Coping with abortion 1 year on

CMartin · Newbie Joined: 31 Mar 2008 Posts: 1

I don't know why I'm doing this, I don't usually do this type of thing. I guess I think it would help if I just wrote everything down and had people read and maybe give me advice or tell me I'm being silly or lie to me to tell me everything will be ok, but I think at the end of the day it won't be.

On the 3rd of May 2007 I had an abortion. I never thought I would have one, especially at 20 years old. My partner and I are in love and have been talking about marriage, we live together and I'm past the point of no return - I can't live with out him. Apart from the fact I don't feel whole. This is the silly part... I was only 8 weeks pregnant. But I found information on a forming fetus a week after my abortion and found that at that time it was forming it's heart. I felt and still feel guilty. Empty. One of my friends had an abortion and she was thankful. After she woke up, she said that she couldn't stop saying thank you. I woke up and all I felt was pain, revultion and shame. I couldn't take it. I had week off work and my boyfriend looked after me, wouldn't let me get up apart from to go to the bathroom. I should have been happy to get waited on hand and foot but I wanted to get up, go outside and scream "why didn't I figure it out sooner!" I didn't want a termination and now it was too late. I'd thought long and hard about what was best for me and what other people thought was best for me but not what I wanted. I'd thought about changing nappies and doctors appointments. changing bed covers in the middle of the night and all the things that are supposed to be the things that put people off having children weren't doing anything to effect me, because at the end of the day I had life inside me, growing in me and nobody understood that! Not even people who I'd talked to that had abortions! 4 months after I'd found the papers and slips from the abortion when I was tidying up. I didn't tell my partner and we ended up having an argument over the most mundane of subjects of which now I can't remember. I was washing the dishes and the water started getting hot. And I let it get hot. I started scrubbing the back of my hands with a ruff side of the sponge. I didn't stop until my partner came in and fisically made me stop. He sat me down and cleaned my raw, scratched hands and when he asked why I did it I just burst into tears. We didn't have a doctor at the time so we had to go to the walk in centre. They dressed my wounds propery and said that I had to rest my hands for at least a week with no heavy lifting. I hated it. I now have scars on the back of my hands and every time I look at them all I think about is the child I could have had. which brings me up to today. I believed it would have been a girl, I don't know why becasue I've always hoped for a boy first but I geniunly believe it would have been a girl and my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to do something so I didn't forget her. So he bought me a star and I named it what I would have named her. But after nearly a near has gone I don't want to remember, I either want her, physically here or not remember a thing! why is this so hard? I've never been a sensitive person and if this were one of my friends yeah I'd help them as much as I could but to be honest I'd just think they were crazy or something. Since that day I have had almost no sex drive and it really upsets me, and my boyfriend obviously. I don't know what to do. Everyone I want to talk to I try and they just want to get me off the subject. I want to talk and cry and shout and scream and all I need is for someone to know what it's like and listen... not shut me up. Is this even posible?

If you've read this far my apologies for this being so long. And Thank You, because you have already done more than any one person in my life has done within the last year.[size=9][/size]

lty_patt · Posted: 04/01/08 - 19:24 Post subject:

OK listen. You did what you thought was right at the time. People make mistakes, it's life. NO ONE is perfect. If you can say anything about having that abortion it's that you learned a valuble lesson from it.

The past is the past and there isn't anything you can do about it. All you can do is make sure that it doesn't happen in the future. Be strong about it. Don't ever second guess yourself about something like this or you will end up dying from guilt. When you do decide to have another baby you don't want to think about things that will put stress on you because that will put stress on the new baby and it's little heart isn't cut out for it yet. Calm it down, take one day at a time, understand you made the decision that was best for you at the time, and look forward to the future.

talker · Newbie Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

Hi do you know what i was searching on here for the same type of thing. When i read your post i cried. I have recently gone through very similar circumstances and very similar feelings.

i have recently had an abortion (its hard for me to even say the word). Actually it was just over two weeks ago. Now im finding it very hard not to regret it and feel guilty. I can feel myself feeling lower and lower each day and trying so hard not to be. trying to take my mind off it but it always pops into my thoughts again. I find it hard when i see pregnant women in the street, babies etc pictures of babies well anything to do with pregnancy and babies.

Well im not in a long term relationship and i think that is the only difference here. I was with the said person only a few months. He turned out to be well not the guy i thought he was. As soon as he found out abotu me being p[regnant he turned into someone nasty something i never expected. He didnt want it and run me down and down.

No one thought it was the right thing to do everyone couldnt help but give their opinion and nothing ws really supportive of it. My family and friends that is. Well i weighed up all my options and the help and support i would have had. I had a scan and i was further along than i thought and didnt really have much time to make up my mind. My mind firstly was to keeping it but with all the pressure i ended up thinking that it wasnt the right time and circumstance to have a child.

I was at teh clinic hysterical and very distraught but i calmed down everntually and ended up going through with it. I didnt really want to leave it any longer i couldnt go away then come back it would have been too long and the bavby would have been further along.

Now i have feelings of regret and have actually suffered with panic and just a sense of doom if that makes any sense.

But ive been told that the decision has been made i cant go back however much i wish i could and by thinking this way im not doing myself any good because it will just bring me down. Whatever doesnt kill us makes us stronger and hopefully we will learn by this experience and not make the same mistakes again and live better lives.

I really do feel for you and what you are going through and i really think counselling or some sort of cognitive behavioural therapy will help especially the CBT as it will teach you copong methods on howe to deal with this and you and your boyfriend can improve your lives and try not to dwell on the past mistakes however hard they are.

i hope ths has helped

please reply

talker · Newbie Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 3

Please if you feel you need a listening ear i dont mind listening i know i have recently gone through the same thing but im worried even though i dont know you. I hate anyone having to go through something sad like this.

**edited by moderator**

polaris · Newbie Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Posts: 1

tomorrow will be the year anniversary of my abortion. like you, i made a very numb decision. when i found out i was pregnant, my gut instinct was that it was not a good decision and would be a very bad situation for me then based on some personal reasons. i hadn't trusted my instinct in a long time (because of some relationship problems) so i needed to be able to i felt. and so i made my decision.

my boyfriend didn't want me to do it. begged me not. asked me to marry him. i wanted to marry him. wanted to have his children, eventually. we both knew this. but wherever i was in head and heart at that time, really felt like i couldn't. really felt like it was a bad decision for me in terms of who and where i was at the time. he couldn't marry me without the baby...

we broke up 2 months later because he said we "weren't happy".

i immediately moved back home (i was in another state) and have been for the past year trying to forgive myself which seems impossible even still. wanting the baby back. wanting to take it all back. still struggling to find peace...

Guest · Guest

I too have had the same situation. I had an abortion 2 years 4 months ago. I am still not over and it don't know if I ever will be. I am married and was married when this happened. My husband said to me that we could not afford another child. We have 3, but after my abortion he wanted his niece to come live with us. At first I was ok with it, but once she came things changed. In my mind I felt like he wants her to be our baby. She and no one else will or can ever replace my baby. We are constantly arguing because of her. I have had to tell him that I do not love her like he does and she is not my child, so stop acting like this situation (i hate saying the word) never happened. He says he doesn't feel like it never happened, but I beg to differ. I thought at first that I must be crazy for feeling like I have and still do, but I know I am not. I see other women have the same feelings I have. It is hard. I never thought it would be. I know women who have had this done before, but I didn't know it would affect me like this. I have come to the conclusion that I am mad at myself for not taking my time and thinking about it more. I think I was so mad at my husband for saying what we could not afford that I felt like why do I want to have his baby anyway. He doesn't want it. That was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I know I can not turn back the hands of time, but I pray everyday for God to forgive me and help me throught this mistake I have made. If you need a shoulder to lean on I am always here.

whiteroses · Newbie Joined: 02 Sep 2007 Posts: 55

I been ther. I know is very painful. In fact it has been the worse pain in my life, When other bad things happen to me they don't hurt anymore. There's no bigger pain for me than the one I felt after having the abortion. Many of us that went through an abortion feel the same pain but like you are doing you have to put your faith in God. Give your child a name and talk to him/her. Your baby is in a better place now. An angel watching over you. God is wonderful and he has forgiven you already. One thing that I have learned to appreciatte after this is other people. Is not that I didn't appreciatted them before is just that now I see everybody as a good being that deserves our love and comprehension. Sometimes our temper goes up and we mistreat others. Now I don't do that anumore. I hardly get upset now. After the abortion I had become a more understanding human being. Don't take it out on your niece. She deserves love just like your little angel in heaven and your other kids. This should make you a better person not an angry person. Get into a support group where you can discuss your feelings and get some help to easy the pain. There's healing.

Coping with abortion 1 year on

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