Emotional problems tied to virginity

SadAndConcerned · Newbie Joined: 11 Nov 2006 Posts: 2

I have shared virginity with a girl, and now she has a large emotional problem.

Okay, I met a girl at the beginning of my freshman year in college. It was incredible how well we got along; we had the same interests, shared the same activities, laughed at the same jokes, and so much more. We began dating and dated for months. I'm her second serious boyfriend, she's 19 and I'm 18. She's a sophomore in college, and I'm a freshman. We were both virgins, and after the first month or so we began talking about sex. Here's where the problem came up.

She wanted to wait until marriage. I had no problem with that, I loved her and she loved me, so I told her it was no problem. I told her I was a virgin as well (which I was) and I was waiting for the special moment. She was confused since I didn't have a definite boundry to cross like she did, so I explained to her that I was waiting for someone who I really felt I wanted to share it with; ie. love not lust.

After a few weeks into the relationship her and did nothing but keep getting closer. We also lived together, so we often made trips back home together and hung out all weekend back at our houses. I met her whole family, and slowly became a part of it. Her mother lost her virginity at 16 and became pregnant; her father was the one and they are now happily married with 4 children. Her eldest sister lost her virginity around freshman year in college and became pregnant too. Her husband has recently divorced and left her after 5 years of marriage.

We got ahead of ourselves...we clicked more than we have with anyone else, and she told me one night that she didn't want to wait and wanted to have sex. I told her that she should really think about this decision more, and I denied her for a week or so until she finally convinced me she was ready. So, we had sex. It all lasted for a week and a half or so until she realized she wasn't ready. She was having emotional problems. She's a devout catholic, and wanted to wait until marriage most likely because of her religion. She stopped going to church as much, stopped being so physically active in sports, and we stopped doing so much. We still saw eachother all day every day but we sat around a lot more, and I could tell she was emotionally going downhill.

Toward the end of the week and a half we were having sex, she told me afterwards she was ovullating. She looked up online if she could get pregnant from pulling out, and realized she could. This is where her emotional problem hit an extreme. She lost it, and went haywire for a few minutes. She was beginning to cry hysterically, and just like I have the whole relationship, I held her and talked her through it. She relaxed, but we broke up soon after.

She began hanging out with another guy that she's not really attracted to that much, but he likes her and he allows her to forget everything she's done. She's told me that she doesn't like him much, and I've talked to her about how she REALLY dislikes who she's become and what she's done. When I first met her she was a very honest, friendly, fun woman. Now, she has lied to me on two serious occasions (hysterically confessed a day or two later), and we've gotten to the point where we aren't talking a whole lot right now.

She's run back and forth between me and this other guy who allows her to hide from what she's done, and eventually it was so emotionally straining on me that I told her she had to take time away from the both of us to decide what she wanted. She said okay, but what ended up happening is she caved in and took time away from me, but hangs out with him almost all day every day now. He's effectively my replacement, and although she has no feelings for him and their relationship (she hasn't been public about dating him, so by talking to her and all of our mutual friends I know she doesn't want to date him), it still hurts me. She both told me and had her sister tell me that she needed time away from me, so that's what I've given her. We stopped talking for a few days, and I knew it hurt her..as it hurt me. She asked for her halloween costume back, and then we started talking about a common TV show we both like that not many people around our college do. We laughed a bit and got excited talking about it, and it was nice to have fun with her again. However, she's still spending time with him, away from me, and she's still VERY mixed up and hurt by all of this. She hasn't tried to hang out with me really--my original plan was to not talk much if at all until at least thanksgiving (about 2 weeks away from when we started taking time)--but she has offered to help me with my calculus because I have an exam this coming monday.

So, that is my pridicement. I didn't really mean to explain the whole situation, but I'm hoping it will clarify some things about my position.

We shared our virginity, she has told me she was glad it was with me, she'd just rather have had it happen later. The main emotional strain on her is the fact that she went back on her decision to wait until marriage, but even moreso she was afraid of becoming pregnant unexpectedly like her mother and sister. When she was coming back to me for the 3rd or so time of going back and forth, I let her go so she could sort herself out. I love her so much, and that's a big reason I let her go to do what she wanted. We've been talking a bit more lately, although I'm still unsure what to do. She's connected me to this whole sex problem, and because of that she's pushing me away. When she isn't fooling herself with hiding from her problems, she tells me she really does still love me and is having a hard time with all of this, but when she hides we still talk, but she keeps her distance from me.

Will she ever stop associating me with her problem of hating herself for what she gave into?

Will she ever get over and accept what happened?

We have started talking again, and having some fun, but will she ever look past what the bad things that COULD have happened, and remember the entire reason she did it in the first place?

She's pushed me away because of all this, but she still wants me to be here because she's come back to me a few times, and she still talks to me when she sees me. I know she still needs time, but it's so difficult for me to give her it; I miss her so much every day. Even though we talk, she doesn't make an effort to talk to me (only on the rare occasion she sees me in person and then she calls out to me), so I know she still needs a bit of time.

How much time should I give her? A movie we wanted to watch together comes out thanksgiving break, should I ask her to go to it with me, and when?

What should I really do? I've told her I'm here for her when she needs me and I'm here for support, and I've told her that God has absolute forgiveness. I'm not really sure what else to do...

any advice and/or answers to these questions would really help me out. Thanks!

SadAndConcerned · Newbie Joined: 11 Nov 2006 Posts: 2

Can anyone help?

Guest · Guest

yo man u need to get over her, women are evil they play so many emotional games. the sooner you realize that the sooner you wont get hurt. guys tend to open up emotionally faster than women do, they take thier sweet time about it. once a guy gets hurt enough he stops opening up and they get called dogs because they dont care anymore. women need to stop playing with guys emotions and they might find a decent guy. women dont realize they cause other women to get hurt by screwing with a guys head to the point he doesnt care anymore. then in turn next girl he meets he screws with her head and so on and so forth. so you need to just toughen up and get used to the fact that love and marriage are just big jokes now.

Relevant · Newbie Joined: 12 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

I think most of the women is very particular about virginity aside from their religious aspect they want also to feel proud of themself because they are virgin. In conservative family, VIRGINITY is very important. they give many expectations and they want security. I think your girlfriend wants you to know that she loves you so much eventhough there are no sexual intercourse that involve. You know what fight for your love and prove to her that you are always there for her. A relationship should consist of two mutual individuals who are loving, and trying to understant the point of view of each other. YOU SHOULD STICK TO HER BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU SO MUCH. you know what, I make it to the point that eventhough my girlfriend breaks-up our relationship I still pursuing to do something that can make her secure.

Relevant · Newbie Joined: 12 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

Naturally, I think that you love your girlfriend so much. Right? You know what we have the same experience. My girlfriend and I are both virgins. She has emotional problem. I think girls especially in a conservative attitude then to act like this. It is a normal experience especially when the girl experience it as first time. Maybe she is a little bit unsure about the future that you might parted ways and all the love that was nourish will turn into nothing. First, you have to understand the situation. Second, you have to ask yourself "DO I LOVE THIS GIRL?" Third, if you LOvE your girl then you must follow her. what I mean you must be there for her despite of anything what happen. Forth, If she said that she wants to wait until marriage... well, just RESPECT Her. Boys, tends to be aggressive because they want to express their LOve by doing premarital sex. but the fact that your girlfriend is having problem emotionally about your first experience is enough to stop having sex and focus more on how to NURTURE your relationship with LOVE, CARE AND RESPECT.

Relevant · Newbie Joined: 12 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

I suggest that you try to understand your girl as much as you can. Women are the most delicate one. Women who fear the Lord is certainly a good wife to be. Trust me. 100%

Try also to read books about the attitude of different girls about Virginity. In that sense, you will understand them and accept and love their attitude.

keet · Newbie Joined: 18 Aug 2007 Posts: 1

I am glad that you have the insight to recognize that she is probably avoiding you because you remind her of the pain and guilt from the realization that she has given away her virginity. This is what I believe happened, though one cannot be certain, especially in such intricate matters as this. However, the point remains that she did something which is against her moral convictions, which is irrevocable, and which she probably regrets constantly. Just because she wanted it very badly for a week doesn't mean that deep in her soul she Really wanted it or believed that it was right, because she obviously didn't and doesn't, judging from her current behaviour.

So basically she wanted it very badly for a short time (a week), but realized afterwards that what she did was wrong. She probably thinks that she losts her purity, that she did something very wrong, et cetera. She turns to the other guy because 1. He doesn't remind her of what she did, as you relate, and 2. because her self-esteem has basically hit the ground and part of her doesn't care what she does. Hopefully this will change and she will turn around.. but it is also possible that she might abandon her beliefs and convictions and turn into a different person. I know a girl who did this.

I think that whatever you do, you should treat her as kindly as possible. Make her secure and show and tell her that you love her. I believe that since you have taken her virginity you should marry her -- not necessarily immediately, but at some time in the not-too-distant future. This beautiful girl has been drastically changed because of something that she did wrong. I don't mean that what you did in itself is wrong, Ie having sex, but that you did it at the wrong time, before marriage. Unfortunately this sort of thing Can ruin a girl's heart if she and those around her allow it to happen. Ultimately how it affects her is her decision, but you can at least try, and you have a tremendous influence upon her. I pray that she will turn back to you permanently. Please do not give her up. Tell her that you still think she is beautiful, that you want to be with her for the rest of your life (if you really do, and if you don't, then think of something honest but still very kind to say). I know that she can recover from this; it is her choice, and with God's help and yours she can become better. It is only a matter of time, and what she chooses, in part based on the influence of you and those around her.

I hope that this is helpful for you. I feel very sad for this girl and for you, and I pray from deep in my heart that she (especially) and you and your relationship will heal.

tibletcat · Newbie Joined: 13 Jun 2008 Posts: 1

this subject is probably closed and the author no longer interested in answers, however if you come accross this, here is one more pertinent answer. First of all, and to be rather blunt, the only person you should be worried about healing is yourself. This is the next step you must take to become strong. This female, as all do, is causing you pain and sorrow yes, but she is also giving you an opportunity to grow and become stronger and that is the silver lining. Life is like a video game (although much more serious because death is real) in that you take yourself as the main character, and build his strength through challenges and become stronger. During the video game, while you are fighting your demons, do you ever stop and think " oh my gosh! is that guy i killed ok"??? Well no, you dont...you go on to the next fight (unless you died) stronger and braver. This oportunity is for you to realize that you need to be stronger because this is the part in the video game where the chick is kicking your ass. Yes she may have problems emotionaly, but your emotional wishy washyness aint helpin much. Females are attracted to the stronges guy in the room, it aint pretty, but its been going on for centuries. So she is with the other guy cause he is not wishy washy and more emotional then her. No its not fair, because you put in all the time and effort and he just was there not doin anything and landed her on the rebound. yes , i said rebound, it happens all the time, and its worthless and meaningless as she has told you. But at the same time, she has you to string along too so she has her cake and eats it too, why??? cause you allow it!!! Whatever you need to do to heal yourself emotionally you need to do, you have not self confidence or respect, and she is showing you that in glaring ways. Work on yourself, admit you want and need help, hit the gym, learn to live without girls, and you will get plenty of them dropping at your feet. When you are in your 40's or 50's you can decide which chick you want to be the mother of your children or even have a couple just dont marry them. Females are the prize we earn for being men and doing manly things, we can be loving and still be a man but females want us to be in charge and not have as many emotional issues as them. She feels worse around you because you feel bad too and it just makes her feel like she has to pick you up too so its really a drag and too much effort. so work on yourself, you can pretend for a while but people will see right through it. She is not that high quality if she is in a rebound relationship so dont sweat her, your happiness doesnt depend on it anyway...

Emotional problems tied to virginity

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