Miss_Robin
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Joined: 12 Jan 2007
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 Posted: 01/12/07 - 16:08 Post subject: Encouraging Mother to leave Father; Dealing with the pain ag |
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Two years ago, my father left us: Mother, self, and five siblings. He left us for another woman, who claimed she had his son almost fifteen years earlier. The same year he "fathered" her son, another woman claimed she had his son also. This son of his was brought to our home because the mother refused to raise him on her own, and was an alcoholic/drug abuser. Same can be said about the other woman as well.
We grew up believing our father was a beloved and respectable community member.
When I was eleven, we lived in New Mexico. Around summer time, I remember the arguments my parents use to have about seeing another woman in another town. Around the same time, my father had moved in his alcoholic brother who had lost his family because of his addiction. He would claim the woman who was calling was calling for his brother. And that his brother had used my father's name when he gave out the number.
At the end of the summer, my mother could not take anymore of the lies and arguments. She had enough of the drunken brother not contributing to the house bills or housekeep. She told my father's brother to leave. In doing so, my father had argued about being alone without his brother near by and threatened to leave. She told him that he was free to leave if he chose and that it was selfish of him to favor his brother over his wife and children because he "felt alone".
He took the car, cleared the bank accounts, even though my mother was the one working two jobs to support us. We didn't see or hear from him again until I was in high school.
I had overheard my mother talking to my grandmother about my father coming to see us. I was excited, hurt, and angry at the same time. Why now, after all these years was he trying to come back into our family? He chose to leave. He chose to hurt us. Sure I was angry. But I had finally learned that watching the driveway and hoping one day that he would pull back into our lives was a waste of my time. How could I trust him again?
November 13th, 1995, 8:15 AM, he checked me out of class. I didn't even get to clean out my locker or say good bye to my friends. 11:39 PM, we were in South Dakota. A whole new world. My father's world.
He promised a lot of things. A home, a car, friends, a new school. He kept some of his promises. The new school was fun. Friends were definitely new. But the house was horrible. A 2 bedroom house for an 8 person family. The car was my mom's car that she had bought at a used car lot after he took her first car. Of course, he had a job. And that was a good thing. My mom found a job right away: Teaching elementary school.
We were finally beginning to trust him again.
My freshman year of college was a disaster. I lost my cousin to colon cancer. I had a cancer scare myself. I left school to stay close to family. That's when the arguments started again.
Soon after that is when the two women interrupted our lives. My mother was shattered. My brothers began to distance themselves. My sisters became suicidal. I got a job to keep the bills paid. My father was gone.
I wrote him a very opinionated email. I sought counseling. I encouraged my brother to get a job to help my mom pay bills. I helped my sisters through high school. In turn, they helped the twins with their homework as well. We pulled our efforts together and made the best of what we had. My mom was working and was in counseling as well.
Almost six months went by. Here he was again. Promising the world, apologizing up and down. She relented and allowed him to come back.
Now almost two years later, he started up his cycle again. Refusing to work, ignoring his youngest children, and yet tending to his "other son", and literally destroying vehicles are some of the actions we have seen. He claims that he is disabled, a horse riding accident last winter, and yet he is fixing engines and other vehicular problems that other people are having, but cannot lift a finger when it comes to changing the oil in our vehicles. He even makes us pay, even though his work is free to others. He quit his job, sleeps all the time, uses my mother's money freely, hardly ever cleans the house, and refuses to take my brother's to school if they miss the bus. He doesn't even acknowledge that they are his sons. But takes his other son, Rodney where ever he wants to go.
My mother tells me all of her thoughts, and yet, when it comes to actually doing it, she backs out, thinking he'll change. I told her that his attitude will never change. He'll always be that way. She'll never have anything good for herself. She can't just accept it as life. That's not her life. It's his life that he keeps dragging her into. She, of all people, deserves to be happy. If she can't do it for herself, then for her children. Even though this is the twin's senior year, she has grandkids she dotes on. They deserve for her to be happy.
I told her to make him leave. All the bills are in his name, but WE pay them. I even chose to put them in my name so he can leave without have excuses to come back. What more can I say...? |
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