I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

well, I had a bad morning, ok once I amde it to Glasgow-sometimes I just want to stay there again!

I met this amazing woman today. She was a real inspiration to me! She used to be a GP, and now Im not sure what it is she does -but whatever it is-her mind was really open and nunderstanding about things. I really wanted to stay behind and have a chat-but instead I ran off-I had been late for class because of the so many time I left this place - I thought I cant do this-im fooling myself! then to this-I can do this-I know Im clever-I know i think differently.

Im amazed at what this lady knew about addiction-and how she dealt with not only her patients, but her colleagues-it was a reall eye opener for me. I kept thinking( she is lookig at me-she must know what im uptp-as she is so experienced.I got so paranoid and then I could feel my airway tightening in my neck .I look at a fellow student - then got embarassed as hes male and started to think omg hell be thinkig I fancie him now- i dont I was just looking over for reassurance.

Im so sensitive at the moment though. the lecture put a photograph of a mum up -who had been under her specialised care. She looked beautiful and so did her daughter. when the lecturuer ended with "she is dead" I nearly burst into tears. I was gulping them back for dear life.

Ive not got the bus thorugh to glasgow in years but Id thought Id save some money and I was avoiding the train system due to my panic last week. It was no good I spent I hr and forty minutes paicing coming home. then panic on the way hoem. The thing that really pisses me of-is this. My drinks nurse stated that my panic would get better once stopping drinkin> I felt like - I felt angry. I felt angry because Ive had panic attacks when a teen, when sitting my highers. Ive always paniced-not to this level but I remeber having one when I was about 14 and the school nurse had to come and fetch me. I never thought anything of it at the time, and didnt see it as a real problem , but my panic is always there, then when the lecturer stated she was a docotor I started to panic, then I started to panic more whn ei went bright red and couldnt breth(hopefully no one noticed!)

Im thinking about making an appointment to seee my gp as I dont agree with coming off the citalopram(not yet) I think I can come of the booze easily enough-but I need to get my sinuses sorted whatever it is , its not helping!

What an idiot ive been!

No one need really know and no one was that great ( when it comes down to it) How can I put this ( witout seemming incredilbly stupid)

Oh ok, I dont care. i tanked wine last night-as though there was no tomorrow. Everyone went to bed-and I was sitting stairing at sharp objects and then staring at pills in the cupboard. Then felt as though I couldnt brethe. never have a panic attack whilst intoxicted-its not a great idea. so thinking I was dying and quit happy about that one I ring for a n ambulance.They arrive-the paramedics-they took me seriously . took me in and i just sat. The number of people rushed in pissed was a bit -oh I dont know -but I understand why they would have been annoyed at me. But by the end of it I was angry at them.

In my notes someone stated that it said I was on Disilfirium ( whatever) so I state-do I look like Im on that?

Then I got taken aside and given a huge row-i argued back-look, i didnt come here for a lecture I wanted someone to listen -this large woman let me out her room , throw a seat down. I sat there for maybe 4 hours.

One girl as taken in, totally out of it, another man was whiting i could have told him that. Somones dad was in and his guy started talking to the guy giving it spew int oa bowel....By this time, Im thinking this is bloody useless! So I ask a nurse if I could go home. she says"wait a doctor will see you soon" Right , so I wait"a junior doc comes out-asks if Ive taken anything-for all they know I could have drank mouthwash and tried to top myself with paracetamol -andyway so she asks me again, I say "no" then I can go. I get sent away thank god. Im watching htese people and im not really feeling very confident about being ill. If i get ill and these people help I will die. I wasnt impressed, mind you they werent impressed by me im sure that has something to do with it

Anyway, I didnt want my children to find out before I was home . So ileft the hopsital at 5am , and walked. Got home at 7am, and sat and thought -went to bed at 8am-slept. and now feel really ill. I didnt have a jacket. Put a pair of lightweight jeans on and some really nice man that asked what I was up to gave me some blankets. But there was a problem with that one. Put blankets on -you look really vulnerable. Today I think Mad! that was mad of me absoultely raving looney mad! but why is it in my note that im on antabuse ( when Im not) why am I being given a row when all i realy wanted was to feel safe and maybe loved. why do these people only concentrate on the physical. Honestly, I stare at the machinery in these places and I do think its amazing, but if your going to treat people with little or no decency Id rather they were a plumber, not a man handler with no feling.. I get it too, I get that they though I was waisting resources and time and so on, but if I hadnt gone in I dont think id be here today to tell the tale,. so even though I feel guilty, Im not going to beat myself up about it, Ive been beaten enough thanks!

Help! i dont know what Im doing. Im trying to relax but essays and everything pending. i cant relax and things are getting on top of me so much thta I just dont want to do. i just want to curl up and sleep with my girls. its useless!

I need a motivator, but truly feel so divided and done in. What am I going to do? I dont want people to know what ive been up to. I feel so bad about eerything!

Right missie-time for a wee chat to yourself. Right-no one knows -only your sister and hopefully this place is safe , and no shame as you were still are feling desperate, but listen to me , you silly silly cow. get you r finger from where its stucj and go do some work or you will fail and be in a worse state than before,, your children need me to do this, they neeed this and I need it for me. Who cares what hes up to , in a couple of months it will al l be different . Your running out of pills and you are thinking about downing some wine to get through your next essay-but dont do it-just dont. There are people out there much much worse than you. I can do this , I can-its no biggie. Ill be okay and I can do my finances myself I can do this. i can go to glasgow and then dads and have a happy time . it will be good for me, it will. Only yyou can do this-no one else make it happen. youve got 2 years to complete this course, if things get so bad tell the tutors, tell whoever, stop hiding it, It will be ok. It will. Right Im off to get better. god, up and down like I dont know what . you can do this dont get eaten alive. Ok.

Call me overanxious but I have a definate lump in my boob and my arm has gone numb.Im scared!

Hmmmm-I just dont know. I feel like I cant breath, but I must be breathjing, but I think on walking or something-Im noot getting enough oxygen or something, as I felt fine, then really dizzy , couldnt breath, streets spinning, so sat on pavement and hyperventilated.Pins and need les and really lightheaded.Though I was going to pass out. i dont know If itrs because I am worrying about my courseworkI dont know!

well, I cant be bothered making another posting about me me me.

Had a right laughtoday , at work. Someone stated I was like someone from the x factor. ive been hysterical ever since. find it entertaining. If only it was true!

Im doing a really interesting case study at the moment. i totally get it-but cant be bothered finding the relevant info to back up what im saying(yawn) cant I just say what I think in third person??? Pfff. tried contacting the professor, email wouldnt go through. In panic, cant enjoy christmas with the girls. i feel like ive been tied up to be tortured.

The children know exactly whats going on, they know this is the last family christmas, and they know what is happening. Ny ehart skips a beat.

When I found out I was expecting the first time around, I rember going for very long walks, particualry near water, so i could put heavy weights around my ankes, drown and never have to tell my parnets. Aweeeeeeeeeee whoopseee, did I write that?Yet, the amazing thing is, my children are the best thing ( hate that expression) Ive ever done, even if I fail my Msc, even if I f*** up right now, -No one has a clue, and thats that, so well. it will be ok. Ive a lovely mum and a lovely dad that live miles a part from each other, I have 2 beatiful children, I have to do something for me to prove to me I aint stupid. Hopefully by new year something will turn up-I was talking to a young guy at work and hes stated that you can get small partishish mortgages or something. im thinking wow! theres an escape!

okay I have a question or a few. right, theres this bloke hes 20, he lost his mum at 12, hes had psychiatric treatment at 14, Now hes 20 has a few mates, but no closeness, hisnt close to family members. thinks about dying all the time, and has tries to commit suicide 2xs, -would you sya that was a HIGH risk case? Anyone? I have states it is, but then therer is the paradox, the people that say nothing , do nothing aoout it, and jsut go for it and die-hmmm, not sure about my point here???

As an individual ., I dont think Im suicidal , but he winds me up to a point where I get that-and then it bloody well annoys me.anyway, going to bed. I just do not know if I am cut out for this msc stuff-think im too thick!

Im so lonely! Sometimes, i just feel overwhelmed.today I had an awful experience with myself-so bad-I reallly dont want to talk about it!

anyway, Im actually thinking and getting determined to hand in my course work come Firday as I know Ive done so much worl on the subject-and even if its rubbish, Im tinking-just hand it in. the other students are churning out coursework all the time. In a way Im envious, but Ive lost my rythymn when it comes to managing like that-so i was thinking speed it up this week, Hnd it in and then forget about it-Ive been told I can have an extension-but I was thinking that actually maybe that s a really bad idea. I dont know what to do.

I feel likethis-angry, for tolerating the crap ive been handed, angry for not voing what I think. I catually know ive lot of intelligent things to say-especially more intelligent than the way I look-actually-the good thingis , i havent got a clue what a freak I look, as i cant see-but I shouldnt really write this here, but was bemused by my work -I referenced somone and put the date 2010-how to get an immediate fail. I found it so outrageously funny that I laughed all day to myself.I suppose I better go through all that stuff and reference it pproperly.anyway.....christmas will be over soon -and il be getting out of here. Im thinking about moving me and the girls up tp the west coast.

Hi Katy! I just wanted to pop my head in and wish you and the girls a VERY Merry Christmas and I hope that 2010 sees you healthy and loved! Take it easy on yourself and I wish you nothing but strength and health! Your friend Dawn

Have a lovely Christmas dawn, and a great new year. I was touched that you sent me a message! Take care and hope you have a great time!!! My children are really really excited and theres a buzz about the place. I love my gals!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Hi Dawn! Sorry to bther you but omg, just had my christmas dinner, slept for a bit. felt fine, walked into my kitchen started to choke, and then threw up. Neck has come out in a rash. Im feeling fine as well, so dont knnow what is going on. Hope your christmas is going well. My girls have just gone to see their cousins, and as soon as they left they house I start to vomit. What a day!