I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Im freaked a bit by this Dawn- "Someone called DAWN"? What is going on?

I dont know-im feeling really really tired, but think that normal for no sleep-I dont really feel ill, so thinking about cancelling my docs appointment. I dont want to be worried about going.

I looked at those 35 symptoms-lol Ive 34 of them. What ,whoever you are ( now) trying to tell me? That Im an early menopuase case?

I dont think so-though theres only 2 females in our family that havent had ovarian cysts-yeah so why baclofen? i read rats grew them and that it was a side effect?

I dont know, I thought my course would act as a good mental distraction, and teach me more on the way.

well-I dont know-maybe its somesort of blip! Not sure, i kinda forgot others can read these.(One big whoopsee!). Anyway, really nervy tonight and flashing lights in my left eye!

Hope you are okay Dawn?

Dafty!!! I was talking about me!!!!! IT was ME - that told you that you were in premenopause!!! Thus the someone called "Dawn" !!! LOL So you crossed off 34 of the 35 but still don't think you have it heh!!!!!? SHEESH!!! I tell ya, what do you think you have then?

Phew Dawn-you had me worried! I did think that it was you -but got a bot freaked.

Well, if you were my mother you would have smacked my bottom the hardest smack ever!

I got up this smorning-got kids to shool, and then thoughs , I should really cancel my appointment with the doctor as I was still mangled from last night. You know who had come home with a box of wine and had started to drink at 5pm, so I joined in at about 730pm, and carried on drinking through till 11am-I didnt realise how much I had drank!

So it didnt look too good-not one bit.

Anyway, saw the doctor, he thinks ive iritable bowel or something, and Omg , im worried now.

You know what though, I think the main reason I drink is for a bit of confidence. its not anything other than that. I reallly think that.Ive always ben an emotional wreck anyway-but sober I dont have comfidence. See, sober I would never have locked him out of the house, I would be too scared to do something like that. Sober , I dont speak my mind, I dont say whats on the tip of my tongue. Drunk-well, you cant get me to shut up

Anyway, i thin I am going to have to go down the antabuse road now, as my behaviour ( alone) will be damaging for my girls. Theyll think its ok to drink , or mummy doesnt/didnt care about us enough, so we can drink. ( I guess I think that about my own parents-they didnt care about us enough) I dont want to be like them, and if social services do bang on our door , I want to be the person I need to be. At the moment I feel like a true shit mum, this morning after coming form the doc, I cried al the way home , and thats another thing, pissed , i can confidentaly walk in the streets-and have a face onme , that s I take no shit, ( well thats when your not leaking out your eyes, and someone has to follow on behind with a mop!) That neighbour spoke to me for about 30 minutes . hes got sad cause the clocks changed, and a big chest infection if ever I saw one. we were talking about the sober indivduals the tea totallers, and the fact that inleith you can go to a pub dream about something, and someone will bargain to get you it.....Mental!

I was planning on starting my eassy today, but im in too much of a state. Si going to gut out kids room. Oh-why am I such an iidiot? I was thinking how bad that is, turning up at your docs and reeking-its really bad, and then having th cheap shot to cry about it-god have mercy! ( not that im religious!) if theres life after death , I want to cme back as my cat or as one of those little dogs with the droopey ears and the big eyes. Id never pick to be human ever again( not that I did!) Thats the thing, when I got home , i was thinking -why did I have to survie? Could I not have died in infancy ? why did they bother keeping me breathing ? Im a misfit, i cant even drive a car, illok like a freak and feel totaly incompetent at eveything I do , so much so , that I dont do it. Hmm Dawn, Ive been reading over some of your messages from before, some of what you have said, so clever, but hasnt sunk in yet. i dont know, its like hes crwaling under my skin, every turn, every effort to get out, hes got me, and like some sort of fungal infectioncrawls beneath what can be seen/ Anyway, I better go clean the girls rom. ive been in bed since having gon eout . I need to sleep , but couldnt so I just lay thinking things over.. I am doing the right thing-this isnt working, so I am doing the right thing for my girls. dawn , im really scared, Im really scared that im going to loose my girls. if he takes them and gets custody, i will die, I mean I will die

its funny, I get really upset thinking about them, there wee cute faces, and I can see the babies in them evetytime I look ,I also a lot of my aunt in Alex, and Becca, god shes hard work, but she puts herself down a lot "I cnt do this, Im rubbish " but im right bedide her saying no look your brilliant. Its driving me mad, but I know I did the same, though shes a lot brighter than I ever was. Shes the kinda girl that reads busines pages quietly tucked up in bed, while what we seeis this wee cute playful thing, that likes being babied. Oh anyway, talking about them I better go.

hope your all right. i feel like shit! 9 but hey have no sympathy -I did it myself!)

Hey -how are you?

Om really not myself-nothing is lifting me ?

Im worried. When my mum had a massive ovarian cyst -she too was told it was IBS.

Im okay-looking forward to my day-out tomorrow.This essay I have to do is really worrying me, what ive written so far has to just be deleted.I know that now. I need to draft it out first and then re vamp on pc.

The strange thing is-in an odd way-I know he means well! But, I think If i go back to being man and wife-it will all just happen again! Do you know where I am coming from. I jusr feel loaded with guilt! Not to forget fear, self loathing, and anger.

Bambi , im sad, i have far more respect for an anorexic, than I do for an alcohlic, yet I am an alcoholic. I guess its the same-its a way of coping-but its not the smae either-is it?

Anyway, 2010 is approaching-I intend to no longe be an alcoholic, but maybe someone with a lighter load.anyway, im waffling.

I was thinking-maybe I should tell my course coordinator about this situation-maybe it would help-I dontknow. My course is all I have going for me. i love my children dearly , agonisinly so, I mean -when I watched my bosses arguing-I like them both-I felt in turmoil -the hoover couldnt get loud enough and it reminded of my mum and dad, but hey they couldnt get physical -and I knew that.

Im going to my mums this weekend so want belogging on till sunday. its my mums birthday and I reallly have to go.Ive not been home in yonks-dreading it, but in another way lookig forward to it.

Hope your good, take care and keep n touch

Hi dawn-Im supposed to be in a seminar on spss. i couldnt stomach it. Last week i went and call me oversensitive, but this went round my head"I didnt tell you to do that" well my god, ill be using those words a lot. i didnt tell you to whack me one, blah blah blah. anyway, I mfeeling crap, Im going to go through later, se if I can access the library and go to oone class ( how pathetic am I?0

Becks is off with a cold, puffy eyes and just a little under the weather I just want to stay at home and cuddle her.

Im looking at my box of citalopram-and I dont want them, I cant be bothered fighting nausea.

Illok crap!

Im sort of getting to the end.Ive had enough. Id ont know. I think I might dissapear for a bit. im feeling realy paranoid about everything

last night i ahd a dream about roslynd ( god) shouldnt put her name here. She was giving me a huge row on "look, if I could have children I would have, and you need to stop it!@ I know i do , but where are you?

Anyway, , Id better go!

Hi dawn. How are you?

Well, I managed on the train-sat down, and then things started to get to me-thinking about how I used to be-thinking about-where this is going, why is he never going to take me seriously? What is he planning? and maybe he feels the same about loosing the children? I couldnt stop , my thoughts just rambled.I was in a state, tears flowing out of me endlessly. One girl was staring at me, and then I eralised how bad it must have looked so managed to pull myself together. Got there, and you would never know what had been going on-though I rambled through pretty much most of today.

The seminar was on violence, and agression and sexual agression etc-I felt as though they were all talking about me so dodidnt say a thing

Anyway, Ive got loads to do but im too tired to hack any of it.

Its funny i got my martic card, and Ive been comparing it with my old one. I look so rough!

I then bumped into the girl that had said theres this course here , try phoning, She was so shocked when I walked in the msc room(. it was hilarious! So we had a good chat and played on the pcs for a bit-got nothing done

I cant help but think this:

right, I feel like Im in a trap. I mean, the children are at a good school( that was down to me and a few good contacts).

This house is our home and its comfortable , but most of all its all my children know as home( irrelevant though to what Ive got to say.

okay, I cant help think back to the night I locked him out-I did it for loads off reasons, more than anyone could imagine, but I did it to try and teach him a leson, to try and say "look no more"You cant treat me like this, carry on treating me like this and get everything and anything you want from me, and my family. There was tha, but theres this niggling thing in my head. Right, its been several months, His letter received from my solicitor stated about him threatening molesatation-which was even a kind way of putting it. Now , If a guy had any self respect any whatsoever, theyd never forgive a woman for arguing that.Theyd run a mile. ( Well thats how I see it) but the truth is in the pudding-he thinks I miss understood...How can ou missunderstand the "NO WAY"GET OFF ME..... its another actual fact, whether or not he could have been capable, but the threat, violence and metheds of coercion were there.Plus the fact he knew my history , he knew /knows how sensitive I am about body matters. Why-god damn it-was this not enough to get an interdict? (oh, because theres no proof, no proof, and I lay quiet about it for months)

Thats not why I came here though , to rant about history , I came here to state hes quietly trying to drive me out. He wants me out.Making me feel like an unfit mum, and its working to an extent. but I know thas exactly wht hes doing. if he doesnt get his way -whats he going to do to me?

I seriously think my life will be endangered if I walk out the front door with the girls.As the girls are so precious to him. Its something I wanted to bring up in class today-but couldnt cause I thought theyd read through it-but if you know that all hes after is sex or something that he wants at that given time-yet , deep down I know he doesnt truthfully care. if he truthfully cared for me , he would have walked and joint custody may have been sought. because hes not walked im sure hes up to something.I remeber having a conversation with my sister in law once stated that there was a psychopathic gene in the family. i can quite believe it. i can believe it. i sdo know that he sgrew up with men that had absolutely no respect for woman. Women feet are small to fit next to the sink, If you met mr charming youd probably think Im off my nut, and yes while my doctor states theres no point looking for whose fault it is , it hasnt worked. I feel a need to be told im doing the right thing for my childrens sake let alone mine, I feel i have to have that, but yes i do understand why also his gp would say that to me.he hasnt been able to defend himself. i totally get that.Everyone has a righ too, not just that if i was out before someon who had an anxious mhi, I would wonder how much of it was true or if it was their anxiety taking over, driving them out-but thats just it-yes I am an anxious person anyway, (doh!) but id never wish to hurt anyone-i wish in away that hed go for help, that he could see what he is doing wrong.he cant see it .

Sometimes I see the little boy in him, and I feel guilty for saying all this, for belittling him, putting him down, sometimes I even feel guilty for depriving him from his children ( if that ever happens) i feel guilty no matter what way I turn, and extremly guilty for the girls sakes. everyone that I have spoken to, about any of this agree that he should just leave, he want, and it makes me wonder-hes not taking me seriously because his precious children will see what kind of man he is-if we all have to go-do you understand what im trying to say here? but I still feel guilty for hurting him, and its not because I want him to love me as before, its not that, i just never want to hurt anyone, but then considering all I did and im sorry, whilst it was bad, in comparison to the things hes done to me, it was nothing. The police officer I spoke to , whether it came out gobble dee guck, did seem to understand, but whilst i was intoxicated, next door the police officer interviewing him will have got shes an alcoholic with mh problems, so its a minefiled.

Even though i was stinking at the gps the other day, and even although ive behaved perhaps irrationally, I think in retrospect, I could have done so much more. the good thing, and even although its no laughing matter is that perhaps social services will help us rather than zap the children away. My children are well sounded at their school, both are popular and have a very satisfactory attendance, and are looked after-okay we have days where toothpaste on there tops has been heard of-but isnt that a good sign-at least I make sure they have cleanish teeth.

If it had been me that had called the police on me Im sure there would have been somesort of d/v av in the aftermath-me i haevent even mentioned it to him. anyway, Im goign to go relax. my mums al excited about her birthday-ive never seen her so excited-shes like a child. But its good, so having the weekend off, when I come back Im going to have to study intensely-I just hope it helps to escape. take care and pls, keep in touch.

This is so funny! Right, we were all blabbing about -well this point-if we were all the same wed be looking at a ind of steford wife culture. Pff..i didnt write that -in my notes its gone like this-we are looking at communism vs democracy?, vs dictatorship. Its the same thing and its all reflective of society , its images it portrays...dont do this -dont do that, thats not good for you blah blah( well can I just say neither is fruit covered in pesticides, neither is stress to the level your head wishes to explode-or your heart wnats to pound out of its rib cage. I know I dont need to tell you this dawn , but the truth is, self destruction is the safest and closest way to controlling whatever happens next. for instance, if i get cancer, Ill know why its because I drank like a pudding for wel when was my 16th birhtday. the only time I was really a so called decent meber of this democracy??? was when I was expecting and nurding my children. i knew then I should never go back , but I did, and guess what-Ive gone way over the stakes.

Right, this is my thinking, and no offence but im thinking, ill do it myself. if someone says:you have a problem" its almost exteuating the facts -you have a problem, so if isay and im sure ive said itr before-i dont have a problem, then I dont do it-do you know what im saying?

My main problem, next to drinkand talking about me only is worry and lack of sleep. if I could find a means of dealing with this in the hime , id not need a drink. I guess theres more to it though-I aint stupid, desptie what others think

OMG, what a lot of rubbish! Anyway,Im going to my mums now-but even she annoys me-she knows what blows are like, yet continues to talk about crap ( all the time) all I want to do is go to my room -be left alone and howl

Also, its this, im living here, making sure I am really rubbish, making sure he gets his misssion. i dont care what anyone else thinks anymore, i want him out-if he doesnt go, by the time Ill have to, ill know its the right thing. Im terrified hes planning to kill me, and Im terrified that I might retaliate, and do the deed first.

Ive tried the "if your daughters were to be put through this-would you be a happy chappie"? It didnt work! To him I am an alien , I am nothing anything, apart from something that should be scrapped of the bottom of his shoe( so why does he try and make stupid conversation with me?)Why, then do I feel so guilty for trying to blank him? Not that I ever can-Im rubbish at being hard>

next week ive an appointment at that place.Really , I dont wnat to go-I dont want to say"yes, ive failed and im a complete pisshead-what now?" em, I don want antabuse, I dont want someone else knowing my busines and then its almost as though people think ( thats not that bad) wellIm screaming here, therer are just , but a few woman that I know of that have had nocrippling pull me dowms, and they tend to be religious, domineering and think there the bees knees, nothing upsets them .Anyway,I best go before I dribble anymore out.Ive not seen my moggie in days either, the fireworks have scaredhim off. Hes a funny little chap-think hesd gad, as when you open the door his hackles go up , but then when he sees its one of us, hes the most cuddily clingy cat Ive evr known, big and fat too>