I have no feeling towards anything at all i feel empty

jballer · Newbie Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 1

Ok i have a really complex case but i hope you can help me out. lets see it all started about three and a half years ago. this is when i started to feel a little depressed, not anything bad though, and it was because of a pretty dramatic event in my life. There was alot of negative talk about me but i shook all of it off pretty well and just lost a little confidence and self-esteem but held it together pretty good and I think I just went into a mild case of depression but my friends and family pulled me out of it for the most part but I probably still lost a little self esteem and confidence. Ok as i was still getting over that event of my life a girl came into my life and she is still in my life i was head over heels for this girl and completly in love. about 3 months into our relationship i found out that she had cheated on me with like 4 or 5 diffrent guys and i found this out all at once. When i should of got out of this relationship, i didnt, i stuck with her but my self-esteem and confidence was pretty much shot by this point. I mean its not like im a bad looking guy and couldnt get a girl i could almost have any girl i wanted in the town i lived in because i was a hot commodity because i was the star athlete of the school and considered to be the most attractive guy and that should tell you why i got a little depressed when that event when on in my life because the whole town knew of me and was talking about me. So back to the relationship after that she promised not to cheat again i mean at this point i was pretty much having break downs every day for like 2 weeks i got over the breakdowns though and just decided to try and work things out and act like nothing had happened. But this was impossible for me it was all i thought about and this made us have no trust. after about six months after i found all that out i started to gain a little and i mean a little of my self esteem and confidence back and then i find out that she cheated again, and i mean i can see why she did i didnt entertain her at all and pretty much all we did was argue and fight all the time i mean that was all our relationship was about. but by this point i didnt really feel anything towards her and i was actually starting to loose all my feelings and i knew this was definatly the time to get out of it but i didnt. This is when i started to feel hollow for about the next couple of months only thinking of all the things that had gone on. but soon got out of this a little bit and i got my feelings back but just not as strongly as they used to be my heart was pretty much hardened by this point so to speak. but i came out of this a little bit but was a totally diffrent person i believe i was a little bit out of reality by this point doing things that were abnomal and not my age to impress friends that used to follow me, before all this happened. So after this, our relationship was even worse than it was before which is really difficult to imagine for a person with his head on straight im sure. Just for the record I was a 4.0 student i dont know if that will help or not but im just throwing that in there while its on my mind. So after i somewhat got over all this. I started smoking weed with my girlfriend and my friends pretty much just to ease the pain but when i was smoking I was so far out of reality by this point although being happy because i was high i didnt relize what was going on around me and was in my own little world doing really childish things to impress people i believe i did these things because i used to be a leader before this girl came along and it was the part of me that had to always be the center of attention. But i smoked with my friends and my girlfriend for about six months and i mainly smoked with my best friend well what i thought was my best friend and my girlfriend. My friend was a well liked guy too and had everything under control when he was high just acting as confident as any person ive ever seen and i actually think that most of his confidence built off me because i was acting so out of the ordinary and childish when i was high with them. So i finally started to relize some of these things like i was acting really retarted i guess is a good word for it. So i sat back and started to analyze things and i relized that my best friend and my girlfriend were always constantly making eye contact and i knew right then what was going on. I could just see it in there eyes. And just to say when they prolly had sex was at my house because we would always all get high and then just stay at my house and i would pass out and now that i thought about it i would always feel my girlfriend getting up in the middle of the night but never thought anything of it becuase how could she do anything to me after she had seen all i had been going through from all her past expidetions. But this was enevidatably true becasue when i asked them about it of course they were not going to come out and admit something like that to you becasue your already going through alot and wouldnt want to hurt you but im not blind nor stupid so i knew deep down this had happened. But there was no way to prove it so i pretty much dropped it then started denying it to myself in my head but knew deep down it had happened. Oh and just to throw this in before i forget my girlfriend had an abortion before i relized all of this. So after this, this is when i pretty much pulled myself away from everyone and didnt want to talk to anyone and i didnt trust myself at all, thinking that everything i did and said was wrong, but at this point all it was, was, thought because there were no feelings attatched to my thoughts at all i was completly hollow. So at this point i really didnt know how to act so i started looking at ,of course, my friend to see how he acted, becasue all i wanted to do is be a person my girlfriend and people would respect not like the person i was becasue of me having no self-esteem and confidence. So i started trying to be more like him and would sometimes picture me being him. I soon relized that i couldnt do this because this wasnt me at all, so i just decided to try and stay silent till i got everything figured out but this was impossible because everyone was always asking me whats wrong becasue i was precieved as an outgoing person, and there had been nothing that had gone on to make me depressed so people were confused, the reason there was no reason for me being depressed in there eyes mainly my friend and my girlfriends was because they thought that i didnt think they did anything i mean what would i have based my arguments on to get them to admit it i tried breaking them down both several times but the only thing i could do was act like i believed them i mean that was my only choice or you know i guess i could of just broke up with my girl but at that point i didnt want to be alone. So people were looking at me like what is wrong with you so i had to act outgoing like i always was but trying to act like my friend by reading all his actions and antics and reasons why he acted the way he did and being smart enough for the most part understand it i had lost even the imature acting, not cool version of me i had lost my personality so i panicked and started studying everyone to try and find a place in this life for the way i should act and still be outgoing, i even read into characters on movies i was completly lost. So everyone around me started to see all my changes in the way i was acting day by day and i didnt even relize it i figured they were just thinking that i was just going through a hard time being extemly depressed and a little lost , but not till recently i relized that they were prolly looking at me weird becaue i was acting as a totally diffrent person everyday, i guess i experienced self-actualization but im not sure about that. But i question why is my girlfriend still with me after me acting like a diffrent person everyday, unless it is for all the wrong reason or maybe she just loves me so much that she wants to help me through it she acts as though nothing is wrong but i think how could it be out of love considering all past events.. So this is where i am now and i dont know what to do or the way i should act or approach things so can you please tell me whats your best guess of whats going on with me and what i should do. I know that your prolly going to say go see a psychiatrist but i want to know what you think my problem is because i want some kind of prognosis before i consider taking the next step which would be going to see a psychiatrist. I feel confused, not me, empty, and have no feelings towards anyone or anything i do and also dont know how to act or what to say and obviously have no self respect or self trust. The weird thing is im still smart and pull of good grades in school if i apply myself. Oh n if your going to tell me i might have a split pesonality then i dont see how that can be because all my changes in the way i act are concious thoughts and actions and i remember everything about the way i act and dont have any memory loss. Oh and one more thing i dont remember if i ever used to talk to myself so i dont know if thats normal i talk to myself inside my head and i can actually hear my voice like im talking to myself and i do this when trying to reason things out im not sure if that is normal either. oh and im just trying to cover everything i also pretty much havent had a good thought go through my head in about 2 or 3 years and im a dweller dwell on everything. I hope you can help me out in some way thanks for you time.

TYG3R · Newbie Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 1

Hey bud, well im gonna make this quick. Im not sure when you wrote this and i dont have much advice but I must say that you sound JUST like ME, mu girlfriends cheated on my since grade 2 and on and they werent just the regular break ups...they all needed to break me down before they left and the last just blew my world apart, sure we were trying to work out a few problems in our 5 year relationship but thats no reason to sleep with the other driver at work,....which by the way was my friend..partner for 5 years (worked for the same company and together alot) o and i even brought the girlfriend there and got her a job making double money she was about 2 years into the relationship. anyway YES i also smoked pot and that was one problem we had...she said that i dont care as much and dont have feelings, that im a robot..and in defense i argued that point....anyway i went to pick up some bud from the guys younger brother and i see her car there...and WTF...so i get my bud from his brother and i call the guy whos with my girl...WTF are you doing..."o were playing some poker...you know poke poke poke ....ya poking my girlfriend....great..next day at work..ya you could only imagine what stress that is plus having to work with the guy thats f@#$^&* your girlfriend and also work with your girlfriend...after that i lost myself the stress gave me migranes and i threw up stomache acid for hours on end...finally quit my job of 5 years (too much stress) ..from lots of money to none....ended up working for half as much as before...not being able to keep up with my bills and ya at the age of 23 i went BANKRUPT..yup thats right im bankrupt and have no credit for 7 damn years, lost my girlfriend of 5 years, friend, career, my whole life was torn apart while the little lady and her prince were living "my" dream without me..in the condo that i was gonna buy...overall theres a little more too it but thats the biggest part...also ive lost 2 friends...and well its hard to believe but it was to POT, one ended up, blaming everyone for all his problems, having nothing, being a bum on the street in some other city and when his family took him in to help him...well his brain is shot..crazy and stupid, i tried to talk to him and it was impossible..same as my other best friend..blams everyone for everything and always puts down everyone,lies and makes up lotta stories to make himself look coool and tuff..... \
Anyway sorry for the blabbing and i know its not coming together very well but hope you get the point. And about this thinking and talking to myself in my head! for sure ...it doesnt stop, i analize everything , even sarcasm or jokes i seem to break down...no fun, no smile, have no desire to go drink, party or even get laid and yes im also not a bad looking guy at all and can get girls..actually have a few angry cause i dont do anything about them...basically you probably wont believe it but its the POT and depression...see were alrady weak minded, negative and torn down and when you turn to weed ..YES it does make things not matter or you just dont care and then this becomes a daily thing ..well is for me..1/8 a day.... I dont feel normal unless im high...i put off everything just to get high....also the isolation doesnt help, i dont have desire to go out i mean id rather stay home with my weed and play videogames...and thats not who i used to be at all, and this pisses me off , cause just like you im trying to find myself or figure out even what i like and or why/... and well i'll tell ya that i cant make a freakin desision, and i am very unhappy and unconfterable around my friends..never used to be..but now i wont even go to the bar cause im scarred to dance cause i dont think i know how and everyone will stare.....man honestly do yourself a favour and quit smoking bot for 3 months and you'll feel great even after the first month, honestly trust me...im not against week and i have the same problems as you...but when i manage to quit for a few months..i feel like THE MAN again...i go to the gym , pick up some moms, do stupid things or expressions not caring what someone may think, but best of all i get my desire to be with my friends back, im much happier its like day and night...also you will think much more clearly and have a great outlook on life..it will be better than ever. So my best advice to you is just to quit for a while...i know 3 month is aloth but after the first week or two you wont even care and will see a great difference in your behaviour and how you "feel". I know this didnt make much sence but like i said just try it if you really want to get better this is my second time going through something like this but its much worse and harder to snap out of this time around....very hard..still battling. Good luck man and i hope it works....but its also nice to know im not the only one feeling like this.

Guest · Guest

Reading what both you people had to say led me to feel sorry for you both, for i too had the same sort of problems. However, i realy cannot be bothered typing it all out because i would be here all day.

So, as it seems, you DO actually have feelings, but these feelings are of regret longing, anger and revenge towards those who have shunned you and made you feel useless throughout your life (Depression). So, my advice to you is to try and get a bit of confidence in your self and try to gain some self esteem, i know it's hard to realize these things as realization is a feeling unto its self, but build up to it, if you feel like doing something but you feel blocked from doing it for some unknown reason then dont listen to your depressive thoughts of self doubt, just go and try it out, you realy have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

what is life without a life? feel free to express your self, dont let other peoples thoughts and ideas rule what YOU do.

Ps, let it go, don't live in the past, these thoughts will only bring you down, just try and see the past problems as learning experiences and go on from there, it will make you a better person.

Guest · Guest

i think you are suffering from derealization or depersonalization - google it.

I have no feeling towards anything at all i feel empty

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