I'm pregnant and married but my husband doesn't want it, what should i do?;

What did you decide to do, NB?

It all depends on what YOU WANT - your husband is seriously a jerk and someone that you should leave if he basically told you "if you keep the kid, I'm done with our marriage." That means he had no respect for you and isn't willing to stick around for better OR FOR WORSE.

Honestly, he sounds like a real creeper and I would get rid of him as soon as possible unless you get some serious counseling about his willingness to abandon you at the first sign of trouble.

You sound like a good woman, like you would be a good mother ... don't let this jerk manipulate you into making a decision you don't want to make!

NB - I have to share with you my story. I hope it makes a difference.

About 10 years ago I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. My husband, at that time, made it clear he didn't want kids - ever. But he would "support" me in whatever decision I made. I didn't want to lose him, so I chose to terminate.

It was so excruciatingly painful. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

I never got over it. We eventually divorced about 3 years later. To this day, I grieve for the child I aborted. It kills me inside on a level that only people who have the same experience would understand.

3 years ago I remarried and we quickly became pregnant (intentionally). Now that I am a mother, it only magnifies the pain and guilt I feel over the abortion I had a decade ago.

The pain will never leave you. If you continue the pregnancy and have the child, just KNOW that you would NEVER regret that baby, even if your husband leaves you. I can tell you with 100% certainty that the love a mother has for her child, whether wanted or not, is a thousand times stronger than a love that can be shared with anyone else. You think you love your husband? You don't know love until you have a baby. Honestly.

Children are true blessings. Don't let the selfishness of a man interfere with this gift that has been given to you. This gift that is lifelong. It is a tie that will ALWAYS bind, a love that will never end. It is the most awesome and wonderful existence in life.

Also, a baby at 6 weeks has a heartbeat, a brain and has feelings. I did not know this during my first pregnancy. I thought I was just terminating a mass of cells - a blob, if you will. Nope. It's a BABY, that moves, that feels, everything. God what I would do to turn back time.

Good luck to you, NB. May peace be with you.

Wow, i can't believe you were in the same situation as i am now, it's so moving to hear your story and i'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I hear your words and all the thoughts i have received on here since my original post, it is really helping with my feelings and my decision.

I am trying to prepare myself for every enventuality including the fact of the possibility that me and my husband may in time go our seperate ways if our marriage cannot survive this much emotional turmoil.

Many thanks for all your kind words on here. I'll be sure to let you know the outcome of my decision and the path i will be chosing to lead in time.

NB

I don't know what to say to you right now

I've never been in the situation where I had to choose to abort or not to abort.

You know, I've always thought that under the right circumstances (rape, incest) abortion can be a powerful tool in saving women and their families from immense heartbreak but I don't quite know how I feel about it when it comes to saving a marriage.

Is your love really that strong if your husband admits he will leave you if you go through with your pregnancy? It took two to have that child but you're the one who matters right now.

Could you live with yourself if you went ahead with the having the child and losing your husband? Could you live with yourself if your had an abortion? Would you look at new born children from there on after and break down into tears with regret? You'll only know after you make a decision.

If it were me, I'd prefer to have a child's unconditional love over the fickle feelings of my husband any day. (And yes, I actually am married and if he told me what your husband told you, he would never see me again)

There are so many women in the world that long to have children and are either unable to or not in a relationship where it's possible. Have you considered putting the baby up for adoption?

All religion and politics aside, the decision is yours and yours alone... you have to do what you feel is right.

If you want my opinion: Go through with it, what have you got to lose?

Be strong and take care of yourself.

Hi Guest

Thank you for your reply. You seem to know exactly the kind of questions i have been agonising over the past couple of weeks whilst waiting for my consultation appointment.

I went for my consultation today and it turns out that i am not as far gone as i thought, i am only 5 - 6 weeks. This has had more of an impact on my decision in that it has made it a little easier (for want of a better word). It was the fact that it was further gone that i now know i am that was really pulling on my heart strings before. My head was trying to stay practical in that i would lose my marriage which i value so much, i am in the middle of getting my diploma with lots of exams coming up, finances, i always said i didn't want children etc etc, but my heart was saying it has this and it has that by now. Now i know that it isn't as formed as i thought it was i know deep down it is the right decision for me. That isn't to say that going through with the operation will make it any less harder and certainly a lot of work will have to be done on our marriage to get us through this. One thing that particularly sticks out is that i will NEVER go through this again with anyone so to avoid any kind of possible accident we have discussed my husband having a vasectomy because his feelings are obviously set in stone and i am not prepared to take any chances with contraception now, so it is up to him to do something about it.

This will certainly make me stronger and harder as a person, whether that is a good thing or a bad thing i don't know just yet, and i can't say whether it will make our marriage stronger but what i can say is i intended for this to never happen again but if it did i will not be making the same decision. Going through it once is more than enough for anyone.

Thanks again everyone for all your thoughts and opinions it has really helped having people who will listen.x

Hi, I know you had everyone's opinion, but, I have to tell you my experience. I too, thought the timing was wrong, I had an abortion. Not a day goes, by that I do not feel horrible, nor do I feel like God has forgiven me. It is the worst burdern to carry on your shoulders, I promise. That little baby will bring you so much happiness, as I have two beautiful boys now 7 & 4, but I still do not forgive myself for what I did. I also wonder how is God going to punish me? Please, if he is not strong enough to stand beside you and be a man, then he is not worth it. What if something else happens, will he stand beside you then? Having an abortion, mind was not even completely performed, i bled for 8 weeks, before i called my obgyn and made an appointment, of course i could not bare to tell him I had an abortion, but when i saw him, he immeadiately rushed me to emerhency surgery. I had a huge blood clot, and could have bled to death. I was very weak and anemic. But, at the time, the guy I was with, we were 18 & 21 and thought we would get married one day but it was not the right timing.

Well, this baby you have is such a blessing. God gave him or her to you for a reason,. I would take your chances and if your husband who took his VOWS to stand beside you, loves you, he will fall in love with this baby as well as you. He should support you 125%, and he is as ASS if he doesn't. If not you will find a man, and a true father figure to this baby one day. As far as supporting this baby without him, you will find a way, I am sure you have parents who would be willing to help, and friends.

Anyway, please, please, think about it. Do not make the mistake I made.

Don't even look at abortion as an option. You are an adult, now deal with the choices you have made. Remember your wedding vows "Through sickness and in health, til death do us part?" If he doesn't want children, thats fine. But by chance you did get pregnant, and he doesn't want to stay with you, then I think that he will leave you one day anyway if he is going to be that immature. I would either keep the baby on your own, or give it up for adoption. I had an abortion as a teenager, and let me tell you, you will feel dehumanized at the abortion clinic. They will rip your baby out without a care in the world. And you will never forget it, and you will never forgive your husband.

Hey N.B.,
I am just reading about your situation, and it breaks my heart. I am now 39 weeks pregnant, and could not imagine being in your situation. I just want you to know that there is another option. There are several good couples/families on the waiting list for a precious little baby. My manager at work just adopted a new baby, and couldn't be happier. I am sure that you would recieve money to help pay off your debt/bills for carrying this baby to term. I know that if you deliver, there is the possibility of changing your mind. You have the right to do that. I know that you will do the right thing if you pray to your God, and ask for help.

Hi everyone

Just wanted to let you all know that after a long and hard agonising 3 weeks my decision in the end was to go ahead with the termination. It has been a few days now since i had the operation and although i'm sure it's still very early days i feel emotionally and physically stable. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to go through and if the same thing were to ever happen again, although we have plans for it not to (my husband will be having a vasectomy) i would not make the same decision twice. That's not to say that at this very moment i already regret my decision and it is not to say that a few years, or even months down the line i might sincerley regret it, but i am saying that today and the last few days since the operation i feel okay about the decision i have made. My marriage to husband is questionable as to whether we make it, after everything i have been through i am open either way. I would like to think that we can make it otherwise all this heartache will have been for nothing, but it will have to be worked on.

This is something i shall NEVER forget and i shall now have to live with what i have done forever in my heart and mind, but i am ready to start picking up the pieces and trying to look forward at the good things i already have in my life and just be grateful for those.

I just wanted to say thanks to all those that posted with their thoughts, feelings, experiences and advice. It was all listened to and carefully thought about. To those that have been through similar circumstances i hope you make it through and chose the right path for you, don't ever let anyone judge you for the decisions you make in life it is not until we each experience these difficult times that life insists on putting us through that you can truly begin to imagine the heartache someone goes through.

Hello,
I'm also in the same situation. I'm about 8 weeks pregnant and my husband wants me to get an abortion also. We don't talk about the pregnancy, it's as if pretend like it doesn't exist. He didn't really want to the 2 kids we have. I had an abortion before about 5 years ago and it took about 3 years to get over it. I decided that abortion isn't an option for me and I'm willing to do it all without him. I feel like if I'm good enough to have sex with everynight then I'm good enough to bare your children. It's hard because I never had the husband who went to appointments or rub my stomach. I'm going through many emotions right now. I always wanted my husband to be there for me at appointments and to rub my stomach. The thought of that not being possible hurts me all the time. I'm trying to be strong and stay same because I have an 8 year old boy and a 3 year old girl to be strong for. So now I have friends who are doing everthing they can to help me make this a happy pregnancy. I still can't help but to get jealous when I see women who are pregnant and have support from their male counterpart. Women I say its tie that we made sure we know our spouses. If a man wants you to choose between him and your unborn child, then let him go. Love is there for you whenever you need it. I did tell my husband that I'm willing to do it alone without hi. The only thing that has changed from my previous pregnancys is that my husband isn't treating my like dirt anymore and being mean. He said he will just treat me nice. I can accept that but I hope he knows that when our children are old enough and ask about these things I will tell them the truth. I dont want my daugther who gets with a man who will treat her like crap and tell her she is messing his life up because she is pregnant and don't want an abortion. Abortions isn't birth control. It crazy because I don't even feel the same sexual drive that I had anymore. I love him but never ever want to get pregnant by him again. If I have to sacrifice my marriage for this baby I will. This is a life that is depending on me. I'm glad that I can share this with other women who are going through the same thing. Its a shame that we even have to share this.

if only there was a little magic ball to see into the future. I am having similar issue with my husband of 7 yrs (been together 9 yrs). We have two children, neither were planned. My first pregnancy w/ my daughter brought excitement, he was all for it.

My 2nd one 21mths later not so much. Financial strains ( I was recently laid off at the time) made him say he wanted me to abort. I stood firm on my decision then not to abort & that i would work it out by myself if i had to. It was scary, i didn't have any of the warmth & loving support or happiness i desired through the pregnancy. We fought & argued alot. Somehow made it thru, he did come around towards the end and we had a son (even helped deliver him).

Now here i am 4 1/2 weeks pregnant ( again not planned) and he"s doing the same thing. But this time i am actually considering it. The economy is really bad and money is tight for us. But i really feel I'll resent him for it. And we'll split eventually b/c of it. I'm not sure what to do. I know if i continue it won"t be a pleasant experience & i won"t have support. But i look at our son he wanted to abort back then & think how could i not have him in my life. I just don"t know. Am I selfish for wanting to bring another mouth to feed. I mean we manage by ourselves now, but i don" t know. I want him to look at or at least consider the positives. Then on the other hand if i fear this will cause us to split either way, do I really want to be tied to him by a 3rd child? I"m prochoice, but always knew that it wasn"t a choice for me personally...until now.

Sorry for the rambling. I don't want to tell anyone I know, so i have no one to talk too. I'm just tired. I would love to have a fairy tale pregnancy, but he always said that"s Lala Land.

Hi sassyladyj

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I can completely relate to the emotional turmoil you are going through. My thoughts and feelings through the 3 weeks leading up to my final decision were agonising, i did not know whether i was coming or going, my heart and my head were all over the place and my decision change almost by the hour.

It is so sad that you do not have the support of your husband, but it is good to hear that you obviously know your own mind. It sounds like you already have 2 wonderful children and that even though your husband has been there in a physical sense throughout the other 2 pregnancies he was not there for you emotionally and to support you through the special moments and therefore from where i am sat means that you have already been through bringing up 2 children on your own anyway. To me this is proof that you are a very strong lady, much stronger than you give yourself credit for, although i am aware it may not feel like that right now.

I am shocked and saddened that he feels it is not enough that you had to go through an abortion in the past once before that he wants you to go through it again. If he was so adamant that he did not want children then he should really begin to take responsibility for the lives he keeps creating and then asking you to destroy. This is the part i am now going through my husband with. To be fair he has always said he did not want children and i too was the same. When we spoke about it we agreed that if an accident ever did happen (although we always were careful, until the problem with the contraception recently which resulted in my pregnancy) we would terminate, but talking about it and the harrowing relaity of it are somewhat very different. Particularly when your emotions and hormones are all over the place to begin with. We have now discussed what we will do and after making it very clear that nothing will be happening in the bedroom department, he has agreed he will get a vasectomy. I feel that if he is true to his word it won't be such a big deal to him. I will not take the risk of the same thing happening again because i could not bare the heartache more than once and as i said in my previous post i know in my own mind that i would not make the same decision twice, once is more than enough for any girl to go through and like you said an abortion should not be used as contraception.

I am so happy for you though that you have the love and support around you of your friends and family. In my eyes that is all you will need. I hope you have a very happy and healthy pregnancy and wish you all the best. As hard as it may seem right now, please try and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, they are special moments that you won't get back again. Get the other children involved too, they are at an age that they will understand and can help you, if you see them getting excited about a new brother / sister it might help you too. Let them pat and rub your tummy, it will feel just as special coming from your children than it would from any husband / partner, i'm sure.

Good luck with everything and the very best to you and your little ones.

HI N.B

Thanks for your kind words. I think talking to people online that are in simular situations helps alot. I do habe my children invloved. My 3 year old is so curious that I share every moment with her and it makes me happy. My son just keeps telling me he wants a brother. My husband is very active in both of our childrens lives. It just took hell to get them here. I get his support after the child is born and he feels bad and has no choice but to be a good dad. He moslty upset that its another mouth to feed and clothe. To be truthful I have always been the one who purchased clothes for the kids. I'm fine with my decision and I'm trying to get over the agonising part. We both make good money so it shouldn't be hard to have another.
I'm sorry that you have to go through the emotional mess your in now. When I had my abortion I had visions that actually came to life. I dreamed there was a little girl at my graduation waving to me. A year after I had the abortion I graduated from college and found out I was pregnant with a little girl. MY son was the one at the graduation waving to me. It's hard to make that type of decision and men don't care what we have to do to our bodies. They just want it done. I couldn't get birth control because I didn't have medical insurance and it cost to much to pay out of pocket for me. When I did get medical insurance and was about to get the mirena I found out I was pregnant.
Also even though your husband said he didn't want children doesn't give him the excuse to leave you if you would have had that baby. Things happen. The 1st thing he should have done is went and got a vesectomy. I have talked about it with my husband. Now he has no choice if your going to be adamant about not having children he needs to get his bodu fixed too. Men just want women to do all these things to their body and don't care at all what we go through. So you make sure he goes through with it. I would suggest you do some research on the Mirena . I have a lot of friends who has it and they feel good. I hope that things work out for you and I'm sorry you had to go through a decision like that. I can only pray the GOD blesses you in all ways.

Hi Guest

I've just noticed your post and the difficult position you are in. I'm so sorry you feel you do not have anyone you can confide in, it only makes the situation more difficult. I confided in not only my Mum, but two friends and found that this helped so much, particularly as one of my friend's had gone through having an abortion a few years previous.

I understand that being in financial difficulty must be hard with two little mouths already to feed, but my opinion is that people always manage, they always seem to find a way to bring up children no matter how poor their finances are. I don't know how exactly, but they just do, maybe it's because they want their children so badly that they go without a lot of things themselves and just make the most of what they have got. In my eyes as long as a child has unconditional love and you spend the time with them, that's all they need. I certainly do not think you are selfish for wanting to have this child, in order to be a parent you can't be selfish, the 2 things just don't mix.

If you really want this child then you should have it regardless of how your husband is feeling. My position was slightly different in the fact that although my husband knew exactly how he felt in that he didn't want the child, i just didn't know either way, if i had known exactly what i wanted i would have done just that and stuck to my guns. I think maybe you should do the same. If it's something you really want you should not deny yourself you will sincerley regret it if you do.

If you decide to go ahead with the termination, i shall share my experience with you so you have an idea of what you would be putting yourself through. Fortunately for me i was dealt with in a very sincere and sensitive matter by the nurses and professionals that dealt with me. I live in the UK and so my operation was funded by the National Health Service. I went to an initial consultation whereby they listened to why i had become pregnant, why i had come to the decision i had, was i sure etc etc. They did some routine health checks and they also did a scan to determine exactly how far through my pregnancy i was (i was 6 weeks). They advised me not to look at the screen when the scan was taking place, i did not look. It was very upsetting but they were all so understanding and caring. I was booked in for the operation for 2 weeks later. On the day of the operation i was not allowed to have anyone with me, my husband had to say his goodbyes at the reception desk and then i was on my own, which obviously made it even more upsetting and rather quite scary. I saw 2 professionals who explained what would happen to me, performed minor health checks again and listened to how i was feeling. When i was ready to go to theatre the nurse that took me down held my hand, i did not know her yet there she was holding my hand and telling me that she would look after me, it was like having my Mum with me. It felt sincere and was truly touched by how thoughtful she was. The whole operaton took around 15 minutes and when i came round the nurses couldn't do enough for me. I am able to contact them at anytime should i feel i am struggling with what i have been through and they will listen. I had heard many horror stories about these clinics but i can hand on my heart say that if i had at any point felt judged or ill treated i would have walked out there and then. I have since had no pain just some period like bleeding. Obviously, i understand that unfortunately no 2 experiences are the same, i can only tell you mine.

You are in a better position in that you know in your heart of hearts that you want your baby, from someone who is an outsider looking in i do think if you know you want this baby a termination really isn't a path you should consider even if it is at the risk of sacrificing your marriage.

I hope you are able to find someone you can confide in and trust and hope that you are able to decide whatever is right for you and wish you and your family happy and healthy lives. Good luck.

Hi Guest,

Don't ever think your selfish for wanting a life that developes in your body. N.B. is right people can raise children on far less than a lot of us have. My grandmother raised 7 kids pretty much on her own. This is because her husband died when they were all young from fighting in the war. We all can't be rich but with responsibility and some planning you can work it out. My husband has been talking about our finances and that it would be too hard to have another child. The only reason why he says that is because he likes to spend half of his paycheck on electronics. He don't pay bills right. If my husband got on track and was ontime with paying our house bills we could save money. Over a 4 month period we have paid 250 in late fees and disconnect fees. Now I ihave had the money to pay these things but I had to teach my husband a lesson. In which he is slowly learning. I have been saving money here and there because I will have this baby. I'm not sure of your situation but I believe you can do it. Ways to save is by using coupons. I clip coupons and I have books full of coupons. I get online. I save almost $100 every month because of coupons. Also if your concerned with food there is a program in the US only called the Angel Food Network. They have a menu every month that you can order from and you save $30-$70 a month getting the packages. Men are selfish and some have no hope because they think children are a bureden. Most of the time the man is. I also have some people to confide in and it helps. Being on the internet helps too. When I got my abortion it was an experience but I hated myself for so long afterwards. There were so many women in the waiting room to get abortions. We were in and out as fast as water runs. I can't take doing it again. Is your husband worth your mental health. If he can't be there then thats his lost. You can do it , You can do it, You can do it. Think positive and enjoy the fact that you can bring life. I Know 5 women right now who wants a child really bad and they haven't suceeded yet. Being able to give birth is a gift and everyone doens't have it. Think about that when you make your decision. I guess we all need to look at our marriages and figure out who we married.