My BF quit smoking pot and lost his sex drive

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I fell in love with this wonderful man over 2 years ago. We fell madly in love, the chemistry between us was unbelievable! He was happy all the time, affectionate, fun and we made love EVERYDAY! He made me feel like the sexiest woman alive and he desired me so much. Life was great!! We went through ALOT just to be together. A few months ago, I found a joint in his car and I freaked out! Of course he lied about it! He said his cousin gave it to him and insisted he took it. He convinced me that he used to smoke pot years ago, but gave it up way before he met me. I believed him and threw it out the car window as we were driving. Then I found more pot hidden in the BBQ grill and flushed it down the toilet and then I found a bag of weed under the couch. All hell broke loose especially after he had told me I was being PARANOID! He finally admitted to me that he has been smoking pot daily (2-3 times aday) for 15 years!! I was in total shock after learning he was stoned throughout our entire relationship. Was that fun-loving, affectionate and sexy man really because he was stoned? I felt and still feel sick. I feel betrayed!! I told him that he needed to get help because I couldn't live like this. He said he had a problem and wanted to stop and that he was sorry for hurting me. He hates himself for that. Were all the beautiful moments we shared all a lie? Does he even remember any of them? God, this hurts more than I thought as I 'm writing my pain. He quit smoking because he said he didn't want to lose me. It's only been 8 days (I do feel proud of him, but I am very angry inside for all the lies and sneaking this shit behind my back for soo long) I'm trying to be as supportive as I can while he goes through these withdrawels he is experiencing, but it's really affecting our relationship. We haven't made love in all 8 days...(well, we did twice but he couldn't stay hard the one time and the other it was over in 3 minutes) he has NO sex drive at all and is moody and unaffectionate. It's like he is someone else, not the man I fell in live with and it hurts like hell. He hasn't smiled in 8 days either. It's like he has one desire in life, and that is smoking pot. If he was still using, he would be happy and his hands would be all over me. He would look into my eyes and tell me the most beautiful things that would really touch my heart. But, not now! Is he really that person I described earlier, or did the pot make him that way. He is clearly miserable without it but says he would be even more miserable without me but I can't live this way. Will we ever have sex again? He said there is nothing I can do to make him happy with himself. It's like he has no sprit and quite frankly, this whole thing is killing mine. He said he is going through some really hard times right now mentally, after quitting and he said it's exhausting to think so much. All he thinks about is wanting to feel "normal" again and his brain is wondering where the pot is. Please help me! Will things ever be the same again?? Is life as I know it OVER? I feel torn because I really love him, or at least the man I thought he was. This is a tough one! Thank you for taking the time to read this.....

helpisontheway · Veteran Joined: 01 Jul 2006 Posts: 760 Location: England

Christ he is only 8 days into withdrawal! Things will be tough for him!

After being dependent on weed for so long and abruptly stopping, he will be going through some nasty effects! Not to mention he is also feeling guilt over the lies and arguments. Things are rough for the guy right now.

This is temporary!
also remember YOU are feeling irritable and hurt over the arguments too!
You have to stick together and help him through his withdrawal.

Withdrawal symptoms include sleep disturbance, irritability, loss of appetite, nervousness, anxiety, sweating and upset stomach. Sometimes chills, increased body temperature and tremors occur.

Being high doesnt completly change your personality, he isn't a different person. when the withdrawal is over he will return to normal, clean and more in love than ever, not to mention much healthier!!!

you have to stand strong and tall together.

Hackle · Newbie Joined: 16 Feb 2007 Posts: 6

Helpisontheway is absolutely right, you really need to give your partner more time. I have a close friend who has been addicted heavily to pot and is having a lot of trouble quitting - I have seen how hard it is and you should be VERY pleased that your boyfriend is quitting for you, and him having gone 8 days already without smoking just to be with you means he is very committed and loves you - stoned or not.

I don't need to list the withdrawal symptoms as it has already been done, but take into account that all of those things will greatly affect his desire to have sex.

It might be weeks before he's back to normal, so you'll just have to be very patient with him. Quitting pot is an uphill battle and he might even slump back into it a couple of times while he's trying to quit - do your best to be understanding and stick with him, 'cause he'll need all the support he can get and if he gets depressed from guilt or fighting then he'll just smoke more to get away from it all.

Above all, as was already said, know that he'll be an even better person once he's straight again. The times you shared together may be hazy to him but just because he was stoned doesn't mean they weren't special, and it doesn't make them any less real.

It was wrong of him to hide his habit from you for all this time, but maybe you didn't make yourself seem open enough and he was simply afraid that you would 'let him go' if you found out. Smoking pot can diminish self-esteem and confidence enough as it is, but many smokers are put down even more for it and for the troubles it causes them, such as lack of determination, motivation etc. It's likely your boyfriend was simply worried that you would think less of him, so he avoided telling you the truth.

I'm not sticking up for the habit or giving him excuses for what he has done, but just remember that the only way to help him break out of the habit is by being as supportive and understanding as you can - and as his feeling of self-worth rebuilds and he straightens himself out, your lovelife will return 110%.

Zapatista · Newbie Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 1

Yeah, to be honest, I think you have a few misconceptions about weed. First off, weed withdrawal can cause severe depression, sexual dysfunction, and a number of other emotional/physical ailments. You mentioned both of those, and they are very common among recovering weed addicts. It's not surprising that it's that affecting him that viciously, as he's been smoking for 15 years. The man you see right now isn't the man you know, it's a desperately ill and hopeless man who needs your utmost support. Once he's recovered, he'll return to what he was before, and he'll continue to say and do the things he used to.

Another very important matter that you must know: it doesn't change who you are. It does change what you do for a little while, but the personality remains the same. At least 99%, if not all of the beautiful things he said came from the heart of a man with a hazy mind. Marijuana affects the brain, but luckily, it leaves the heart to explore on its own.

It saddens me to see how many relationships are ruined by drugs, the demand to quit drugs, and consequently, misunderstanding the process of withdrawal. I once heard a story of a woman who divorced her husband because he told her he had quit smoking cigarettes, but continued to do so behind her back after 10+ years. He became depressed and she became furious over the fact that her husband could not just "flush the cigarettes, throw out the ashtray, and start a new life tomorrow". When I read about this story, it hurt me to see that her complete lack of knowledge about addictions ruined a once-happy relationship. I relay this story to anyone in this situation, including you. It absolutely kills me every time something like this happens.

Now, to be fair, I'm not at all condoning your boyfriend's actions of hiding his addiction from you for such a long time. But your anger at him has to wait until after he's better. Wait until his brain and his body regain their strength so he can take your anger; right now, if you're not with him 100%, he might fall to the monster of addiction. Please, please don't make the same mistake the woman in the aforementioned story did. And don't worry about him dropping back into addiction if you continue to stand by him. Once you help him through this, he'll forever be in your debt and he'll never smoke weed again as long as you don't want him to.

The best part of this is, once you make it through together, you'll know for a fact that it's true love. Look past the mistakes from before, look past the difficult road ahead, and embrace the future. Once you cross the precarious rope bridge of withdrawal and recovery, you'll reach the happiness that I see on the horizon for both of you.

jungiangirl · Newbie Joined: 01 Nov 2007 Posts: 2

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I've been smoking for about 20 years. This is the first time that I have experienced sexual disfuction during withdrawal from maijuana. I've been to a program and group counsling in the past and never heard or was ever told that this was or could be a symptom of withdrawal. I thought something was seriously wrong with me until I read your letter and the replys to it. So thank you for posting your letter and I thank those who responded to it.

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My husband is almost 59 yrs old. He has been smoking pot since he was 15yrs old. He came close to quiting a year ago but has slowing picked back up pretty regular. During his cleaner period he was not as sex craved and did not last as long as when he was high. Personally my attitude is we had our crazy love making days, I actually enjoyed just making love. I enjoyed the occassional non-acrobatic closeness. When he started back up is when I realized it works like his own viagra. It turns me off now as I realize it was the drug not him.

Now when he is high I am so not interested in any physical activities with him. I would prefer he want to make love to me because only he wants to not the pot giving him the desire. Do any of you know how bad it makes the straight partner feel? What it does to our self-esteem once we figure it out? Then when they stop for a few days they are depressed, mellow dramatic, angry and combative and make you feel guilty for their feeling like crap. It is a roller coaster ride that no one should have to go through.

The effects of this crap has really caused me to become emotionally distant toward him. He used to be my everything and I will always love him but I doubt I will ever regain the admiration I used to have for him as now I only view him as a selfish, weak person who really does not care about me or us.

Kirk C · Moderator Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 890

I'm really not experienced in this area, but I can share one thing I learned in college.

A mutal friend participated in a call in radio show where the host took a drink ever few minutes and continued to try to function during the three hour show. It became obvious very quickly that he was affected within the first 20 minutes, and by the next half hour, he couldn't do his job. Someone else had to take over the controls cause he just was a mess.

The callers were generally good, but one stuck out in my memory. It was from a girlfriend of another of the DJs, though listeners wouldn't have known it. She asserted that she liked it when her boyfriend would be drunk. A further question or two, asking why, revealed that she felt he was a much better lover when he was drunk. To which the cop who was supervising the program quickly assessed... when his inhibitions were down, he would engage in more varried activities with more passion, compared to his more controlled sober self.

The cop also asked, "and how does he feel about it in the morning". She replied, "He's always embarassed, but boy, am I ever satisfied!"

We all laughed, but it pointed out to us that it was the lack on inhibitions that she loved, not the drink.

Perhaps this helps in the discussion about weed?

littlelady15 · Newbie Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 2

now im not a big pot expert, but my boyfriend went through te same thing. everytime he wasnt not with pot he was a different person. it seemed to me that he was dating that drug and not me. i used to wonder if he really loved me or if te drug made him so lustful he could love anyone!
through the hardship pf his journey to quit i stayed with him! i love him even if i wasnt sure why, or if i had a good reason to! it was te most difficlut time of my life dealing with with mood swings that effected my trust in him. but both of us prevailed! and now out love is even stronger knowing that we can go through hell together!
just remember that he does love u. what he feels is only intensified with pot. stay by him and all will come together! it may be awhile. for my boyfriend it was acouple months before he got over te depression part. and trust me the sex will come back! and it will be even better because its real! just except it and dont doubt!
GOOD LUCK!

My BF quit smoking pot and lost his sex drive

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