Abnevis
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Joined: 28 Apr 2007
Posts: 12
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 Posted: 04/28/07 - 15:40 Post subject: Puberty and masterbation |
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As a kid I was molested by my friend Chris for up to 4-5 years. I had no idea that I was being molested because we both liked it, it was fun and felt good. Although its embarassing to talk about it because it took away half my life. It braught such gult and shame to my life. But at this time I didn't have sexual thoughts about the same sex. Infact I was well into the opposite sex.
Before puberty I was well into woman, I had sexual thoughts and frenched kissed my best freind Amanda. We had a great friendship it was like being married, we faught for a day then loved each other the next. However soon as puberty hit things changed.
I never knew what masterbation was until my friend Kyle and his cousin, his cousin often showed us his penis, then we watched him masterbate. I had no idea what was going on, so then later that night I went home and practiced what he did on his penis, and I found out boy I love this feeling. Then later on during puberty I started to wonder and think about the same sex, it often confused me greatly. I didn't want to seek medical help because I was too scared. Everytime I do it I feel such guilt and shameness, but during it I feel so great and happy. But as I was saying, during the puberty years. I was beginning to be very curious about the same sex, and how it would feel to be with another man, I never thought to my self as being a homo or gay, but people called me gay because I was often confused about things. I often watched gay porn because I liked it during my state of masterbation. I liked the skin of men the abs. for many years this was going on, but before puberty I never liked guys, always was into my friend Amanda. But I started to watch anal sex and masterbation of guys, and saw gay guys was haveing pleasureable sex attributes toward each other. Looking at another guy can turn me on, thinking sexual thoughts. Often looking down around the location of another man and then became erected. Looking at topless men all the way down to there pants toward the mid section of there gentile location turned me on, but its the same way with woman, thinking of them looking at them the same way turns me on too. But more often I seen my self watching gay porn more then straight porn my whole life. I am currently 18 years old. Often curious about the same sex, and the opposite, my friend chris had the same problems, but he however had straight and gay sex, and I never experienced it. But I always wanted to try it out with him. Lustfully wanting to have the penis orallly anusly and also wanted to do it to him. But then one day he had a break down because of all the problems that had happened to him in the past, and what happened to him in the teen years. I was getting really curious and asked him if we could try it, so he sucked mine for a few strokes, couldn't really say I didn't like it, I wasn't sure what the feeling was, so then I tried it on him, I didn't like the feeling of a soft penis in my mouth it was a bit nasty and taunted me for days. But then one night I was in my room and got naked on my bed and started to have anal masterbation along with masterbating my penis at the same time, with my penis over my face, then bursted over my face, then it was really scary, I felt such disloyal to myself, became very sadden. I hated what I did, I hated everything that happened to me, I just hated it so much, I cried for nearly an hour in the shower trying to clean myself up, I just simply hated it. But during the time of it, it felt good. Also each time I masterbated during the years of growing up, it felt unatural but good at the same time. So I joined a religion which I found to be the true religion, and slow but surely its changeing me. But I still see my past and huge scars on my life. My masterbation has decreased from once a day to nearly once a week. I am still a virigin and never had intercourse and will not have it until I am married. But I am so confused about everything that has happened to my life.
What can I do??
Someone told me that I am not gay but just very "BI-Courious"
Is it still part of puberty? Because I still have emotions for my girlfriends at many times.
Also with joining a religion they said it was wrong to masterbate because it was part of the sinning against god, because it is what Satan wants for us, it is forbidden by Jehovah, because Jesus said to his deciples that in the end days people will be-come lovers of them self, lovers of pleasure.
I never spoke to anything about this to my religion overseer or elder yet, because I am affraid they will look at me differently. Over the past few months I have been with the Jehovah Witnessess they have helped me spiritually and physically. They helped me to understand things, but they don't know what exactly I have gone through. I have been doing Bible studies and going to the Kingdom hall and everything for the past 6 months, and during the last 6 months my life has changed significantly. So any other hints or tips. and please DO NOT CRITICIZE MY RELIGION, or FLAME the religion. Because they have helped me in many ways, that 3 other religions that I have grew up through have not done a darn thing.
I was baptist, catholic, christian, and now I am currently a Jehovah Witness, and I love this religion the people and everything, they show me the truth in the Bible that the other religions have not, and it has helped me to understand things, but I am wondering if other people have gone through the same things that I have gone through, please repost to my help in need. Not flameing the Jehovah Witnessess for I know many people hate them, but I love them. I love Jehovah god and his son Jesus.
Please forgive me of this huge post, but as you can see I am really highly confused. |
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