Relationship & Intercourse Problems/Phobia's - Please give me advice

emalou6 · Newbie Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 1

Hello

I am 22 years old, have suffered from depression,self harming, etc yet i felt better for some time now except there is one thing that is really concerning me but.....its complicated so please bare with me.
I feel I have some kind of relationship or sex phobia. Relationships over the last couple of years have been the last thing on my mind with all the things I've been going through. Its been 3 years ish since I had intercourse, there has been kissing etc but thats it.
There have been 3 guys over the last year that have wanted to be with me and in some way I wanted to be with them but there feels like something is holding me back. From past experiences I get with a guy and then I seem to push them away....more so when they start getting clingy, I think they get clingy because I dont get obsessed or clingy to them. So when i've pushed them away, a couple of weeks / months later we can back to square one by getting back together but the same happens and it is always down to me, I seem to just push them away and treat them like dirt - not because I want to but its my way of getting out of the situation.
What frustrates me so much is the fact that I can be so nice and lovely with my friends and be close to them yet when i get into a relationship its a different thing.
Another thing that causes me to be so so upset as I dont understand whats going on is that over mobile or letter I can, for example, talk via text a bit on the sexy side and get very excited but if the person (say, my ex) on the end of the phone suddenly turned up at my house I would find an excuse of not doing all the things previously mentioned via phone. I dont understand it cos I really do get excited and want intercourse but then i end up in pieces, I have had intercourse before but....it was that long ago that ive forgotten what its like.
I feel like people think im strange for not being with anyone. I dont necessarily want a relationship but what i want is to be normal and comfortable. I am independent and can and have coped on my own (with the support of friends)My friend is obsessed with settling down having kids etc but I'm not, I just want to feel normal.
Can someone please give me some advice if they can. I'm at my wits end, I want so much to be happy and live my life. I am sick of being afraid and with my mind playing games, i feel like i have a demon on one shoulder and an angel on another both telling me different things.

Thanks In Advance,

Em

Guest · Guest

Hi there, I just read your letter and was curious to see what advice others had for you myself. I am a newly married with two babies, boy 2 years and girl 5 months.
I have tried to figure out why I don't want to be sexual and why I am not always very nice to him. I too have a history with depression, and also post partum.
With the insight that I do have , I have guessed that the problems are my own, and with my poor self body image and decreased self esteem. Part of me thinks that because I don't truly love myself that I don't think someone else can too. Since having two c-sections my body has not be easy to regain. As well as the fact that I don't feel "hot" like my husband likes to tell me I still am. Instead I find reasons to be angry with him and avoid sexual intimacy. I know it's hard for him, because I know he wants to be with me out of love not just sex.
I too would love to just give in, but something is holding me back, alcohol sometimes helps, although that's not the answer.
I'm not sure what to do to make it better, except learn to like myself.[/b]

Guest · Guest

I too can not be sexually satisfied. I also have had to battle depression and self mutuallization, when I was younger. I am married with no children. I want so much to be sexually happy with my husband but can not figure out how to since everytime we are active I can not stay into the mood. My husband calls be a tease becuase i can build up to sex but when it comes time to perform I can not. Another battle is when I do have sex it hurts, I have had an ovarian cyst removed almost a year ago and there is still pain, this makes it hard on me to have intercourse. The only thing that I can see that most people with this problem have is a history of depression. I know that when you are depressed it affects the rest of your body, but I have not truely been depressed for quite some time now, stressed yes but not depressed.

I know that this does not help in fixing the problem but it will let you know that you are not the only one.

sruth · Newbie Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 1

I have the exact same problem not been able to go out with anyone for almost 2 and a half years. I get all tense and anxious when a guy comes near me. Although i want to or might feel like it, i get turned off, extremely anxious and uncomfortable. I make any kind of silly excuses, i have even noticed that now i avoid speaking to colleagues or guys who might be interested in me. I just pass by and don't even say hi just to avoid a conversation or someone getting too close. I feel hurt and pain when a guy comes too near and i'd rather avoid it.

I think it all started after a pretty bad break up. My work requires me to travel. I'd been with my partner for about 3and a half yrs and we were still very much in love. Never had a problem in 3.5yrs, we were too compatible. But he was of a different religion and his family parents intervened and caused lots of prblems. His father promised to disown him as a son if he stayed with me. Couldn't ask someone to choose between his family and me. When i was out of the country due to work. They flew down this girl. I knew cause he told me everything that was happening. I ended up telling him to go for it. There were too many problems going on and pressure from his family. I also couldn't tell him to wait for my career and another issue was i wasn't ready to change religions. Didn't know i would get so badly hurt . Although i had agreed to it due to the consequences somehow i felt betrayed because he had agreed to do it. The marriage with the girl they flew down from nowhere (he didn't even know her name only met her on the wedding day) ended up in a mess anyway because he didn't want her. But i just couldn't get back. Too hurt. He was like my family and friend. Trusted him sometimes more than i'd trust my own parents. it all went down hill.

Haven't been able to have a proper relationship. I feel like even if the person is right, i'm afraid something down the line might break us up and i don't want to go through that pain.

I feel hurt everytime a guy tries to get too close. (I do want a relationship and a normal life but just don't know if i have the strength to go through one). I just shy away or avoid it. I'm also scared of a different guy touching me or sex etc most guys rush things and u wish they'd take the time (which for me is like weeks or months) so i feel comfortable. otherwise i don't know...

Relationship & Intercourse Problems/Phobia's - Please give me advice

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