The Mind
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Joined: 20 Sep 2007
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 Posted: 09/20/07 - 11:05 Post subject: SUFFERING from Depression and confidence |
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Basically my story is that I had two car accidents within the last year whilst I was driving the car was damaged but I was not physically touched, however over the course of this last year I have my confidence and desire to do things such as studying, working socialising and travelling gone down the pan, I have grown on the idea of being alone is better for me (maybe because it gives me the chance to have peace of mind) I suffer from insomnia and I would wake up normally at 1-2pm in the day and go asleep at 4-5 am during the night .
During the period of my car crash I was insulted and bantered with comments of letting me down of my not amounting to anything in life. I personally feel I have lost myself and recently I have lost my memory of recent situations and events like what has happened yesterday or two weeks ago, sometimes I cant even remember things that I have just done like ‘did I did I not turn on the switch’’ but I can still remember events from my childhood quiet clearly. (But I feel so self aware of the situation)
there where and still are situations where I have loud shouting arguments which don’t amount to anything but time waste, I have thought of not living, but i dont having the balls to do it, basically I cannot handle anything or any situation I go all panic mode.
I am self Aware of situation whilst it is happening but trapped and no help from my fellow sibling its like they have been waiting for my downfall.
my so called biological father was and is a drunk who used to beat me because life was hard for him, he would come home heavily drunk and interrogate me into mistakes then beat me as in getting my ribs kicked in he has always let me down I wish that I break of the remaining bond that I have with him, i feel to give him a taste of his own medicine (only when I remember the previous events and when he says stuff indirectly toward me) the only thing which hald me back is that I don’t want my brothers or sister to see the father in pain.
I have confronted my parents in their past but they simple deny that these events ever occurred in the first place
I am afraid of turning in that monster that seems to lash out on anyone with problems and being not able to deal with them myself
When I study or try to concentrate I get cloudy images of recent argument situations and start to dwell on them and I suffer from voices in my head when I feel depressed,
but however I have taken up cycling and running to get back on track.
I believe if you can avoid a situation why not avoid it if it’s going to cause trouble, and always aiming high (such as theirs no point of starting a race if your not going to finish first). I get very temperamental when I am being annoyed I am very conscious of hearing things such as I notice peoples breathing and plastic bag noises.
With the situation that I am it feels like a ‘’dream’’ to become that boy that I once was confident, clever, alert and on the ball to learn new things, only if I was him
I have gone to the doctors they have referred my counselling which is taken its time
Everything as taking its toll on me and I don’t know what to do??
I am not on a medication, and don’t take drugs, smoke or drink
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENTS YOUR TRUE OPINION
MANY THANKS |
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