Social Phobia..? Or am I just a walking disaster?

Iced · Newbie Joined: 26 Oct 2006 Posts: 15

At 17 and in high school, my friends call me the 'Worlds quietest person' 'Silent bob', ‘The kid who never talks’, etc. I feel as a drag when I’m with my friends, because I just don't talk. I can talk small talk, but even that is hard at times. My mind become blank, and I can't think of anything to say. At school I just sit at a table with people that are talking to each other. I just sit there. In my mind thinking of something to say, anything, but it just isn’t happening. Well after the conversation is over I have the perfect thing to say. When I talk my speech is all broken up, as if I saw a ghost, leaving people to say ‘What?’ Making me have to repeat it again, Making me hot and a little sweaty..

Using the phone is my worst nightmare, I hardly answer the phone if I don't know the number on the caller id and even if I do. Even if it’s a friend, because I don’t want to go out, even though in my heart I do. I hate calling people on the phone. I spend so much time thinking of what to say, if so and so picks up, and what to do in every situation if it become bad. You have no idea how long it took me to call EB games to see if a certain game was in stock. And even that conversation didn’t end up to well..

So much stuff I've wanted to return, but decided not too, because I really didn't want have to talk to the sales clerk. I still don't have a job. I really want to work so I can have some extra money which I desperately need. But the interview is stopping me. That isn’t even the worst part, daily interactions with customers are. Just thinking about that gives me nightmare.

When I hear the news there is a party this Friday, and your all invited, my friends are all 'Ohh yeah!' and me..? 'Why the hell did I go out tonight, if I didn’t I wouldn’t of gotten this invitation' and I end up never going, using silly excuses such as 'I can't I’m grounded'. I avoid a lot of things now it seems, parties, going out, going to families, shopping, and things that I want to do.

It's also affecting my school marks, I never talk to teachers, even when I don't know whats going on and clearly need help. Don’t talk to peers. Even one of my teachers is wondering why I am so quiet, I wasn't like this back in grade 9 he said.

New seating arrangements in school just make life horrible, just thinking about sitting beside someone new and meeting them. I hardly try anything new, because I’m scared of meeting new people. First days of school are always the worst.

When I’m walking down the street, if I see someone on the road, my whole body becomes stiff. I myself know they don’t care, I just can’t get over the fact that they are looking at me. Making me walk in a uncomfortable way that they would look like... What’s wrong with this kid?’

Yes I do have friends, but these were friends that I have I knew since grade 9. And I hardly ever go out. Until recently when I started taking Cocaine and Ecstasy as a method to help me talk. Sadly these methods work perfectly leaving me to abuse these substances. I stopped with the cocaine though, because that is just going to get me no where and it doesn’t last as long as Ecstasy. I've abused Ecstasy like crazy and continue to do so as to where I have built major tolerance to it. I’m getting tired of using this just to act normal and have a normal conversation with my friends. For example this Friday I had taken 4 E pills and talked like a normal kid. On Monday my friends were telling everyone 'You should of seen this kid, he was talking!' I want to be able to do this everytime without the assistance of Ecstasy, but I really see this impossible to do.

Not only that, first time I tried Ecstasy, my high wasn’t that great and didn’t last too long. Leaving me to believe I have low Serotonin and/or Dopamine. I guess I’m not making things better with Ecstasy/Cocaine abuse. But what can I do. It’s taking that risk, or spending another familiar Friday night playing Counter-Strike.

This is really starting to become a problem, I worked up the courage to try and explain to my mother, but got shot down. ‘Everyone has problems, you always have problems, deal with, look at so and so, blah blah blah’ I really would go to the doctor myself. But I’m already having trouble calling the doctor, then to make it worse. I have to re-explain this whole crap again to him.

I know this is long, but any input would be great. Thank you so much.

Guest · Guest

I suggest you just relax....
don't be afraid of meeting new people because you never know how amazing people you may meet... I suggest you go out and meet some new people.... just don't be afraid!

drugs don't solve your problem...

Pehei · Newbie Joined: 13 May 2008 Posts: 1

First, quit the drugs, they do not solve anything, just like alcohol doesn't solve anything...it's only temporary solutions and not getting to the root of the problem which is your SA.
Second, just do it! Just go to the doctor or psychologist without thinking too much about it. In the end, when you have SA it's about building up the courage and just jumping into life and doing things..without stopping to think about it first. That doesn't mean you should heedlessly do anything..make the right choices. The thing about SA is that it's a double-edged sword..a catch-22 situation..the only way to overcome SA is to expose yourself to the situations that create this anxiety in the first place. That's why it is so difficult to overcome. You need to use CBT techniques and make a plan..oh and also I've found that talking to people and being honest about my own SA has helped alot. Are you still at high school? Maybe you could gather the class at one point and tell them all that you have SA and what this involves. Also don't drop out of school!!! Worst mistake I ever made..(though I am at uni now)..anyways hope this helps. Smile

Guest · Guest

Do you any friend or anyone whom you share your problems with?? I think you should see a psychologist. If you cant explain your problem to doc then ask someone to do it whom you can trust. The way things are going you may end up living alone in a locked room. And its better to use the drugs which the doc will give then Cocaine and Ecstasy which is taking you nowhere. I was a shy person too but I use medicines for 8 years and now I can talk infront of 5 people atleast. But keep one thing in mind never abuse any drug.

Social Phobia..? Or am I just a walking disaster?

LIFEFORM SOCIAL COMMUNITY NETWORK