Spouse with a chronic pain

olimpia · Silver Member Joined: 10 Jun 2001 Posts: 268

Hi, my wife suffers from chronic pain, which lasts over a year. She uses some medicines, but they never relieve the pain completely. I don’t know how to help her. Does anyone else have a spouse with a chromic pain?

welser · Silver Member Joined: 23 Dec 2001 Posts: 270

Hi, my husband has the same condition as your wife. He has a chronic pain caused by back injury. It was a long time ago, but it still hurts a lot. He can’t walk and sit properly, and it doesn’t hurt him only when he lays in bed. It’s not easy when you watch your spouse suffering from a chronic pain, and no being able to help him. He takes some drugs, but has no relief. He often has constipation due to all the narcotics that he takes, and sometimes he gets even heavier side effects. It’s very hard to cope with chronic pain, and sometimes I don’t go to work because I can’t leave him like that. It hurts me when I watch him suffering and I hope I’ll find a way to help him.

acosta1027 · Newbie Joined: 17 Dec 2006 Posts: 1

My husband has been taking ultram for hip pain under the supervision of a pain mgmt. doctor for 3-4 years. A few months ago, he had surgery on his shoulder and the surgeon prescribed vicodin to take during the recovery. He went back to pain mgmt. doctor who had been informed of the vicodin and dropped him. He went to his GP doctor who said he couldn't do anything for him since in Texas the state is really hard on prescribing pain meds.

My husband has become moody and withdrawn. He won't talk to me and ignores our sons. We are about to take a 7 day cruise to celebrate our 20th anniversary and I don't know how I'll survive it?

Has anyone gone through this that can give me advice???

JoAnne

trouble3906 · Posted: 04/13/07 - 00:02 Post subject: pain

Well ive been in this crazy circle for 8 months.Ive got so many things wrong with my back.AND diagnosis for them.BUT cannot get meds to help me.FIRST i had to find my happy place.Get onto something that made me not think about it.beacause pain can destroy your nerves.cause depression.It tears so many good marriages apart.And he is lucky to have you mine couldnt accept me being disable.Get him to a doctor.To me pain mngment is a joke.Ive been through it.Here we have Pathways.A place that is for depression and nerves along w/chronic pain.TRUSt me it all goes together.The pain wears and tears until you hate not being able to be happy, live,go,be with family and friens.I learnt all my problems had 90% to do with pain and 10% was depression.He needs to find him another DR,and see a therapist.

Guest · Guest

I've been taking MS Contin and Norco for seven years, since my spinal fusion. I do not believe anyone should expect anything over 70% pain relief from meds/narcs. If you aren't getting anywhere close to that level of relief you need to be more pro-active with your medical provider. They can be sued by patients for undermedicating them, you know. Wouldn't it be nice to have an average pain relief level of around 50%? My pain doctor in San Diego said their practice's goal was to relieve 50 - 75% of your pain. Anything higher increases strongly the chance for psychological addiction. You're already physically dependent on the meds so atleast live your life and be gracious that there is something out there to help ease your suffering! Atleast you weren't born before the advent of morphine!!! Most of us would have jumped off a cliff, I think I would have, if that were the case. I'm sure many did, in fact.
DONT GIVE UP ASKING FOR PAIN MEDICATION THAT WORKS. BE ASSERTIVE AND STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS. THE DOCTOR MUST KNOW JUST HOW MUCH YOU ARE SUFFERING AND WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO TO ENSURE PAIN ASSUAGEMENT. Good luck to all. I think I have a really good doctor and got really lucky. I take 100mg morphine (MS Contin) three times a day and take Norco for breakthrough pain. Thanks to them good boys, I can work a full-time job again and have been employed F/T for the last 4 years. God Bless Narcotics.

sharpanne · Newbie Joined: 16 Apr 2008 Posts: 1 Location: California

It is extremely difficult to be a spouse of someone who has chronic pain, whether malignant or non-malignant. I have very severe Fibromyalgia (about the top 1%), as well as Chronic Myofascial Pain. First of all, read this: http://tinyurl.com/5us53p -- (Note: Copy this TinyURL and Paste it into the web browser you are using; it's a short version of the long URL that redirects to an article written by my pain doctor.

In this article, my doc describes in-depth how intractable pain (severe, incurable pain ) is a disease in itself. Severe pain can cause all kinds of physical problems if left untreated. In this day and age, nobody should have to suffer intolerable pain. Many states have intractable pain patient laws, that protect the patient from suffering. I am thankful I live in California, which is one of the best states in the USA in that respect.

My husband is extraordinarily understanding, and married me knowing I take large quantities of Morphine, Methadone and Soma to control my pain. (I get more than 70% pain relief most of the time, btw, but I have the best pain doc in the country.) Sometimes I have bad days or bad weeks even-- my worst fear is vomiting uncontrollably due to illness because I absolutely must keep my meds down. So I keep Compazine suppositories or sublingual Zofran around (which are anti-emetic meds, which means anti-nausea meds). I usually function relatively well, but of course I cannot do what I used to do (work full-time at a six figure VP level job), or what I wish I could do. I work part-time from home, which offers me as much flexibility I need (I can get up, walk around, stretch, lie down, nap, stay in bed if necessary, take a break, etc....)

First and foremost, you and your spouse (both of you) should learn as much as possible about your type of chronic pain-- do the research-- whatever your pain is due to, you can learn about the cause. Knowledge is power. Of course you will have to rule out any illnesses that can be cured. But only tests, research, time, trying different medications, etc., will help you find this out.

Second, it's imperative to find a good pain doctor-- if your pain is intractable (severe and incurable), the "pain management centers" are basically useless in my opinion, as many simply just try to get you to "manage" living with your pain forever. That's not only cruel, it's damaging to your organs, as the above article explains. Do the research and find a compassionate doctor that truly understands you are in pain, and that you will need pain medication for the rest of your life. Yes, the rest of your life. It's called "palliative care." They need to understand that possibly being dependent on opiates (narcotics) is far better than being in excruiciating pain. [Did you know that the word "excruciating" comes from the Latin root word crucifix, the worst known kind of torture of the time during the Roman Empire? If you have intractable pain, you understand why!] Both spouses should go to all doctors together to validate your pain, diagnosis, daily habits, etc.

Then, once you're on a regular schedule, and your medications have been titrated up to the lowest possible amound that relieves your pain (it's different for everyone), you must start working on your marriage-- counseling may be the way to go. I wish I could say you should start asap, but from my own experience, I know that back when my horrific pain was still unrelieved, I barely cared about my own life let alone anyone else. (Speaking of which, chronic pain patients may consider asking their docs about anti-depressants or getting counseling themselves, as it's very mentally draining to be in pain.) If you cannot afford counseling, note that many community centers or churches, temples, etc., offer free counseling.

I asked my husband if he personally had any tips for those dealing with a spouse who has chronic pain, and his number one point was that everyone is different. Everyone has different personalities and make-ups, and he just happens to have the disposition of being able to deal with my "off" days. Sadly, many people simply cannot deal with their spouse's chronic pain, no matter what research, pain relief, or counseling they get. Unless they are highly motivated, or motivated by God, people don't usually change, and sadly, many pain patients lose their spouses. When something other than my pain (for which I do have medication, thankfully, unlike others), and I have to go to the ER, for instance, he is able to calmly act as my advocate. I appreciate this ability in him so much, because ER staff are often not very compassionate and I often cannot do it for myself when I'm in a bad place. So having my spouse act as my advocate is very important to me and extremely helpful.

My husband also says he knows the keep his antennae up to keep in tune with moods. When my pain is very very bad, I confess that I can get very irritable, even with him, my greatest advocate. He says he pays attention so that when I hurt badly, he makes sure not to ask me to feed the dog or fold his socks, etc. We do not have children, so we can't answer to that situation-- that would surely add another stressor. But as far as between just us two, he is very attentive to where I am, pain-wise and emotionally.

My husband has also learned to find alternative outlets for the things he likes to do that I just can't do as often as he'd like. We both love movies, and I can almost always watch them at home with him. I can go to about every other movie at the theaters with him. But we've made a good compromise-- I am easily startled by horror movies (which he loves), so he goes to those with his best female friend that he's known since 7th grade (we're both 42), who also likes them. He also knows I won't be able to go to every single family event of his (he has a large family that lives close by who gets together constantly), and he understands that, and they know I'm in chronic pain. He also loves to eat out, and would like to do so every day, a schedule which is simply impossible for me to keep up with. So he just goes out with his buddies when I cannot. The thing that makes this easier is that I don't have a problem with him going out without me. I trust him implicitly, and he doesn't put himself in compromising situations. Also, I know all his friends (male and female) well. As far as physical relations go, I cannot participate as frequently as he would like (or as I would like), but he knows that I never decline unless I really must, due to pain.

He also says he looks for ways to serve me, to be kind to me-- and that he doesn't "keep score." This gets back to the fact that everyone's personality or make-up is different. He happens to be a very compassionate, kind, and understanding person. For example, we were both married before for a short time in our early twenties, and neither one of our previous spouses would be able to tolerate a spouse with chronic pain. For instance, I had a bad day yesterday (nausea and pain), and my husband went to the grocery store for me. But that's the tip of the iceberg. He has gone out of his way for me so many times I can't begin to list the ways. But, at the same time, he also says that he doesn't feel that it's just him giving to me. He knows that I give to him and do things for him whenever I can. If he were the kind of man or even person, who thought, "OK, I did this, now you must do something for me," we'd probably have some trouble. It's often him giving for a while, and then me giving for a while, etc. Sometimes it's mutual, but not necessarily.

That's about all I can think of... hope this helps. Oh, if you do have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain, or even just FMS, I strongly suggest getting Devin Starlanyl, MD's books at: http://www.sover.net/~devstar/. There are also many online articles about the use of opiates (narcotics) for chronic non-malignant pain.

Guest · Guest

thank you so much for that. My partner and I are in a relatively new relationship and he suffers from severe chronic pain due to sarcoma in his leg witch he has had his whole life. He takes methadone for pain management as well works long hard days as a chef. Depression begets him and I am just learning his cycles. It is not easy for me. But I love this man and want nothing more than to be there for him. He has had several failed relationships due to his pain. He tends to withdraw witch I find difficult I want to be apart of what he has to go through so that I can support him. Your response was very informative and made me feel hopeful that maybe with time he can accept me as his advocate and supporter.

Spouse with a chronic pain

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