Teen Son: 13, caught masturbating by mom

Guest

Guest 1/22/08 2:08 AM

I am a single mother of an adopted 13 year old. This experience is new to me so I'm looking for any feedback to help me through this:

A couple of months ago I caught my son with another one of his male friends having sex, both close in age. I was floored. Then I found that my son was raped when he was in a foster home, long before I adopted him. He was younger. All the appropriate people were notified and he's in counseling, etc. (It still bothers me after walking in on them)

Now...my son says he saw the same little boy masturbating and he's started to do it... a lot. At first, I caught him with lots of lotion in the bed and on the sheets and he denied it.

Now, he's doing it more when he's suppose to be asleep because he has school the next day and has to get up early.

He's now admitting that he's doing it only because he thinks I see him... I don't see him. I bluff and he usually tells on himself.

My questions are:
Is this normal for him being so young? How should I respond as a single mom & head of household? What would be the best advice to try and get him to stop? Should I be angry?

I feel he learned this long before a couple of months ago, but can this turn into an even bigger problem?

Thanks,
Worried Single Mom
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Activist

jeremysladee 1/22/08 5:43 PM

it is very normal for a boy of that age to masterbate... even if he was raped. i would be more concernd of him having sex with another boy if i understood right.. even if he was attracted to boys i dont know how young he would know it..
Guest

Guest 2/13/08 12:39 AM

im 15 and and bisexual, iv been out for 3 years, perhaps he is ecpirementing with another guy as do alot of kids his age, i would say encourage it becuase theres nothing wrong ith it, just maybe a little young for you liking. and if u tell him to stop, i doubt he will he'll just find other places to do it, i hope i helped and theres nothing wrong ith masterbation privacy is graeat thing and being gay is okay, talk to him about ssexulity
New Member

Ponderer 5/21/08 5:12 PM

It can be unsettling for some adults to witness such behaviour, especially for those whose sensibilities are turned upside down when confronted by the sight of their child sexually engaging with another youngster, especially one of the same gender.

Sexual play amongst young teen boys is - contrary to popular opinion - a lot more common than many people think. Boys are getting an upswell of confusing and interesting physiological changes that increases the curiousity that they have about their bodies, courtesy of puberty.

With young males, the tendancy to explore and feel around with someone who they trust makes the situation a lot less intimidating for their curiousity (as opposed to communicating with girls, talking to parents, researching, etc...) It is also somewhat of a relief to discover that someone else they know is going through the same changes and experiencing the same maelstrom of feelings.

Sexual play, fondling, mutual masturbation... These activities have less to do with outright sexual gratification and more to do with the self-confidence that comes about by willingly allowing someone to examine their body at such a vulnerable stage. The key word here is willingly, and unless you had conclusive reason to believe otherwise, then in all likelihood it was a willing venture for the both of them.

Also, two peers of the same gender exploring in this manner does not automatically qualify them as being homosexuals-in-training. Countless young boys have fondled, masturbated and even initiated sex play with other young boys to go on as sexually-assured heterosexuals. I can vouch for that.

How you approach this subject matter with him is crucial. As a guide (I am not a certified psychologist or counsellor so use this advice judiciously!) I personally would establish dialogue, in a very quiet and private setting, where I can talk to him openly and affirm my acceptance of his choice to show affection to someone he is obviously comfortable with, irrespective of gender. You need to follow through with this using your own conviction. There is no point saying any of this if you end up denigrating or questioning his choice further down the line.

It may also be an appropriate time to comment on the difference between good contact (what he and his friend were doing) and unacceptable contact (what he endured earlier in life) and let him know about how both beautiful and harmful sex can be. Try to articulate to him that sex is a very powerful exchange between two people and that it is always desirable to make it a beautiful and respectful connection.

Allow him to establish the pace of conversation, and make it known that he does not have to feel embarrassed or ashamed about what you witnessed.
He may protest or get defensive about what it was that he was doing or about his sexual preference but disarm him quickly with a smile and a hug. Once a child picks up on a parent's acceptance, it really sets a wonderful rapport between the two.

I agree earlier with magicolour's earlier post... Privacy is extremely important to a growing young man so be mindful of his personal domains and announce your presence with a knock rather than a startled intrusion. Remember, any anxiety on your part can have a lasting effect on the poor boy and could possibly create a distorted and unattractive outlook for him on something that should in essence be one of the cornerstones to help him mature into a happy, healthy young man.

We often see sexual events as "too mature" for children, typically when we associate our own adult concepts and undertones to it. And in some circumstances, this concern is justified. But where there is no reason to believe that a child is participating in sexual activity against their will or where there is a clear disparity in age, try seeing the sexual events as an innocent bond between two young individuals during a challenging part of their lives.

Also, consider the other young boy in this saga. Happily have him around your place and be receptive to his company and the friendship he offers your son. By not casting him aside as some "untoward influence" on your son, you are enforcing the message of tolerance and respect to both boys and that will impress them more than what you'll ever know.

I understand that it's tough raising children, especially homone-ravashed boys. Hopefully this will go some way in helping you out (and anyone else out there will a similar conundrum) to producing a firmly loving relationship with you and your son.
New Member

ramboc 8/2/08 3:04 PM

While maybe socking to you, teen boys masturbating each other and having sex with each other is normal and takes place more than people think. My step brother was 12 and I was 13 when my mom remarried. It was not long before we were giving each other blow jobs and masturbating each other. We did this fir a couple of years and stopped. He is married to a great wife and I am too. We have children, and so does he. Now at 51, I am realizing that I''m bisexual but not because we had sex together as teens.
New Hope

~Colin~ 8/2/08 3:47 PM

Hello, I'm 16 and I'm here to explain that masturbation like the other people said is nothing to make him ashamed of. Although people in this post said they had sexual encounters with males at the age of your son. This disturbed me because not only did I not even think of having sex with any gender at this time is shocking to see that young boys are exploring their new bodies with each other. I'm not being homophobic I don't discriminate homosexuals either. I'm pointing out in all my pre-teen years I never had any thought about anyone else in my bed except mine. I did start masturbating at the age of 13. Since I was well educated in sex ed it makes me wonder why they are doing this with each other. Your son might be gay but that is beside the point. You should tell him to be careful about having sex at all.
Superstar

j-save 8/14/08 5:45 PM

What do mean by sex and how old was the friend
Guest

Guest 12/20/09 7:25 AM

hey there i am male and 22 as according to my experience it is habituall activity but dont worry about all of it
nothing will happen to him don,t worry
with the time period he will be all right and he will adjust his own time period for all this
Guest

Guest 1/19/10 9:52 AM

well why don't tell him that having sex with another guy is not good? even if he was raped... it doesn't mean it is ok to have sex with another boy even if they are at the same age. maybe, there's no negative implication to his physical body... but psychologically... it has negative implication. it is natural for boys to masturbate, specially at during the peak of their adolescent stage. i also had sex with my friend... but lately, it wasn't good at all. being gay is not good.. am not a gay.. but we are made male and female, not gays... so if you really care for him, guide him... or at his later age... he will search for it
Guest

Guest 2/10/10 1:25 AM

I would be more than happy to take the young man off her hands and, adopt him. It is not his fault about any of it. Wish I could adopt a child. no matter what his problems are, mastebation is normal! ;-)
New Member

scradycat41 2/10/10 1:40 AM

I would be more than happy to take the boy and, adopt him


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New Member

scradycat41 2/10/10 1:58 AM

I am for real if yo feel you can not handle him wih thoses issues e-mail me and I would be glad to adopt him. been waiting to adopt for 7 years now.

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Guest

Guest 3/17/10 4:20 AM

Hello

How about all you people just chill out and let him be him. He is going to want to explore and find him self weather that be with a male or female why does it matter??

Becouse God says its not right!!! Well if this is the case It make me glad to know some people still beleave in madgic!!! Family comes first and if he is gay then let him be!!! blood is thicker then water. if you loved him before you knew he was gay, you have to love hbim once you know hes gay nothing has changed except you know. and this is not good enough reason to discrimanate agains him.

He is who he is Gay, bi , Or str8, if the one who addopted him has a problem with any of the sexual orentations he choses the YOU AREB NOT FIT TO BE A PARENT!!!!! the same goes for any one elce who reads this what he chooses is his choice. you do not get to choose for him or discrimanate against him, your only job is to guide and respect him, love and care for him, give him space to grow, and Do every thing you can to keep him safe, if you canot respect him for him you are the on that is condemed,

People that see this will say well its not right etc god doesent like it etc. Well News for all those is He is going to be who he wants to be regardless of what god thinks or not. If hes gay he wasd since he was born he doesent have a choice in the matter. So one could say god made him that way.

Sex at that age should oviusly be discouraged but theirs n o point at getting angry at him or telling him off. it wont fix anything you need to simply explain that he should wait to have sex with the RIGHT person someone he is going to spend his life with. who ever that maybe. male or female. and your job is to respect his desisin.

I have 4 sons all of which masterbate reguarly none have yet left home. in my opinion this is not some thing they should feel they should hide or be embarrased about ITS NORMAL!!! IM fairy certain Some sexual has gone on to, not as far as full gay sex but i know my two oldest have done oral with each other before as you can imadgen i was very worryed but i have been told that 8 out of 10 males in new zealand have had somne sexual contact with another male usualy a brother at some time. and the two that have had oral sex with each other are very well balenced reliable sucessful young men in stable hetrosexual relationships.

I think that boys that do not masterbate are much harder to handle then ones that do. the sexual tention is incredable. Boys that dont are serley and rude uptight and rebel after all we are animals in the big pitcure any male that reads this will know that masterbating and sex/masterbation is not just a want its a need even more so as boys are teens. some boys just do it earlyer then others.

I certainly hope i have made mypoint here
LOVE HIM,
CARE FOR HIM
< KEEP HIM SAFE,
POINT HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION BUT LET HIM CHOSE,
AND PICK HIM UP IF HE FALLS DOWN,

Childern are a gift people they may not be here for ever, you need to let them grow and be happy. and do whats right by them,...

Regards to all readers with heads screwed on....

Sam
Support

taz1890 3/17/10 6:58 PM

Folks - this post is over TWO YEARS old! I highly doubt the original poster is still watching this post - and the kid is 15 or 16 now...so I'm sure whatever issues there were have long since be resolved (I hope)...

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It's AllGood

It's AllGood 4/17/10 5:56 PM

what you should do is make sure he's aware of safe sex methods...I know someone in Nawlins who came out when he was young and his granny demonstrated all of the proper methods of performing fellatio using a cucumber for him..
I'm not making this up..
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