Adriane1972
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Joined: 12 Oct 2007
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 Posted: 10/12/07 - 19:12 Post subject: Why have I become so impatient with my kids, is it because m |
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Hi,
I have two boys and love them to death, but have found myself to become impatient and angry so easily that I don't even understand it. I come from a close big family, but have come to realize that all my life I have been put down, criticized and judge more than I have been praised. And it keeps going, in a settle way, but it keeps going. I love my family and I wish they would understand me and get me more; but they seem so in tune at seeing the negative in me that as soon as I am around them I feel angry and negative. Sort of like giving them the little they expect of me. And I do not want my children to grow up with a mother who loses her patience constantly and doesn't get them, like my mother doesn't get me. I want them to know they can count on me loving them even if they misbehave or act stupid.
Is it possible that I am just reacting this way because it is the only way I know how? I really don't know what to do, and my husband is no help. |
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my2cents
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Joined: 12 Apr 2007
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| Posted: 10/13/07 - 02:15 Post subject: |
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Its only my opinion, but I feel that you are reacting this way because, as you mentioned, this is the way you were raised. I have found that as adults, we tend to repeat our parents behaviors in our own lives. And that can be good behaviors, or bad behaviors. Its only natural because throughout our upbringing, our parents were our role models.
Now, this doesn't apply to everyone, but I feel that its much more common than people believe it to be. I know from my own experiences in my adult life that I have so very often 'mirrored' the behaviors of my parents. And though they were not physically abusive to me, they were often very critical, judgmental, and quite controlling most of the time. Unfortunately, for much of my life, I carried those same character flaws into my personal relationships. It wasn't until I was well into my 30's that I really began to realize that I had been doing this. And because of that, I now am more able to control those things. But, at times, I still catch myself from time to time going back to my old ways, then I realize what I'm doing and do my best to change the situation at hand into something more positive, and more appropriate.
I would suggest finding a therapist that you can talk to about this. But, this is not for everyone, and not everyone who goes into counseling, or therapy with a professional actually benefits from it. I think the key to success in terms of professional counseling is to look around first. Try to find someone who you can talk to, and be open with. Someone that you feel you can trust. Someone that at least seems like they care about you, and your situation. Its difficult to find someone who truly cares, but I suppose it is possible. I've always had to settle for someone who is just playing the part. While that may not be the ideal situation, I felt that it was better than having someone who couldn't really care any less about you, or your problems. So, just take your time, call up a few different ones, ask them questions, get recommendations from friends if you can, that sort of thing. If you make an appointment with someone, and while you are there with them in their office you can sense that it just isn't going to work out, then don't make another appointment with them. You are under no obligation to keep seeing them. Don't be discouraged if this happens. Just try another, maybe this time you will get lucky and the two of you will 'click.' But don't settle for just anyone, because I feel that by going to counseling with the wrong person, it may result in much more harm than good being done in the sessions. And who needs that sort of thing in their life? Believe me, I've met a few 'professionals' who were in need of therapy themselves - a couple of them more than I needed it! In fact, one of the psychiatrists I say many years ago lost his medical license not long after I stopped seeing him. I just had this feeling that he wasn't quite all there. And he obviously wasn't! But there really are quite a few caring, and understanding professionals out there. BTW, I don't think you need a psychiatrist because I really don't feel that you are in need of any medications. There are a real lot of psychiatrists out there who view pills of whatever kind as sort of a 'cure all.' And they may try to persuade you to 'try these, and see how you feel.' You don't need that, JMO. A professional family counselor may be just the thing for you. Only you will know this for sure though.
So, try not to beat yourself up over this. I really don't think it is something that we do on purpose. We simply don't know any better because its what we saw when we were growing up, and we are repeating the behaviors of our caretakers - our parents. I bet that if you sat down and really thought about it, you would probably be able to see the similarities quite clearly. In other words, examine a time that you perhaps yelled at your kids for nothing, and didn't know why. Try to remember how they were acting, or what they were doing at the time. I bet you will recall a very similar set of circumstances from when you were younger, and your parents were being critical of you. Well, maybe not, but its worked for me anyway.
Either way, I would really recommend some form of counseling to help you to understand why it is that you are feeling this way. This will not happen overnight. It takes time, and sometimes many sessions before any real, noticeable things come from your counseling sessions. It just takes time, and it takes the right professional help. Choose carefully, and I think you will be just fine.
Just don't blame yourself, because its not your fault. The generations have a tendency of repeating themselves in these ways. Chances are good that one, or both of your parents experienced the very same type of things that they gave you while you were growing up. And now, you are simply repeating those very same things with your children.
The important thing is that you recognized that something is not right. And that is really a step in the right direction. I really don't think that most people ever make the connection between them, and their parents the way that you have. Its a start. Don't stop now. Seek counseling.
Best of luck to you! |
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