Orgasm and Sexual Response: A Users Guide.

Many people think of sex as a step-by-step progression towards orgasm that can be accomplished by following a set of directions that work in the same way for every person: one set for men and one set for women. Many people feel there are particular things that everyone will automatically enjoy, things that will satisfy every person every time. Sorry Charlie, but while we're all human, or male and female, that doesn't mean we all function the same way sexually; not even close.

 It’s not too hard to understand why people ask things like, "What makes a girl orgasm?" or "What do guys like?". The “10 Things That Drive Guys Nuts” kinds of articles are the sort of things that let people make millions selling magazines and books with the titillating promise that they can make sex “easy” or have all the “secrets.” However, those tips are often useless as a whole, and only serve to cause more frustration, dissatisfaction and confusion… they don’t really solve your problems or answer your questions well, and you’re also out the money you spent, ya big sucker.

 The truth is that it’s much more complicated than people want it to be, and we think that’s really pretty wonderful.

Think about it this way: if eating were simply about getting the nutrients we needed into our bodies, we could all eat the exact same meal, three times a day every day. We wouldn’t care that it all tasted the same, and we’d never crave any one particular food or another. We would all like to eat the exact same kinds of things, and we’d all be perfectly happy with that all the time. If our bodies all operated identically, we would all need exactly the same diet and nutrients, get hungry at the same times, and like and dislike the same foods.

 Not the way it works, is it? In fact, if someone told you it was supposed to be that way, you’d think the idea was pretty ridiculous. Sex is pretty much the same way. We are all different.

 There are certain physical, hormonal and psychological mechanics that come into play for the majority of people, and understanding those is what we all need to lay the foundation for understanding how sex works for ourselves and for our partners. Once we understand how our bodies work when it comes to sexual response, we've won half the battle of learning how to enjoy that and incorporate it as a healthy part of our lives, both alone and with others. No, none of us can "make" another person enjoy sexual activity or orgasm. We also can’t insist that someone “give us an orgasm” or “give us good sex.” Our sexual appetites, impulses, and responses aren't out of our understanding or control. Sex is something we have to learn on our own by understanding ourselves and our bodies. Only then can we communicate with a partner about what we like and what we need, and really get a grasp on the whole of our sexual life.

The Science of Sexual Response.

Any sexual activity involves some or all of five different stages: sexual desire, arousal, the plateau phase, orgasm and resolution. None of these stages are superior to others, and all should be pleasurable. For each of them, the stage proceeding is vital to moving on to the next one.

We must experience desire to feel sexually aroused. People sometimes describe sexual desire as being "hungry" or "horny." We may feel sexual desire towards a particular person, or we may feel it simply in and of itself, a kind of free-floating feeling of wanting to be sexual.

Arousal is a state of sexual excitement that sends messages to your brain that create physical changes and sensations in your body, readying us for sex. When we’re aroused, our blood pressure rises, our heartbeat and breathing quicken, and our body becomes more sensitive and receptive to touch. We can be aroused by physical stimulus as well as by intellectual, emotional or hormonal stimulus. We can be aroused by all of these things, or only some of them, or even just one of them at any given time, with or without physical stimulation.. For instance, we might become aroused by being kissed or touched, but we may also become aroused simply by our own thoughts and imagination.

It's important to note that we don't all experience the same things as seeming sexual. We’re also not all aroused by the same things. What seems sexy or arousing to any one of us differs from person to person based on our individual personalities, our life experience, our particular body sensitivities, and what we were raised to interpret as sexually or sensually exciting.

But when we are aroused, we all have some fairly similar bodily responses. One of the primary physical responses to arousal is called vasocongestion, which means the increased flow of of blood to the genital tissues (and/or breasts and nipples), and the condition of those tissues becoming swollen with blood. This is how a man's penis becomes erect. In women the clitoris and inner labia become puffy, stiffer, and somewhat enlarged, and at the same time, the vagina produces a slippery lubrication. As arousal continues in women, the uppermost third of the vaginal canal also expands a bit, which can result in an “empty” feeling inside the vagina.

If we continue to be sexually excited, our arousal may then progress to a plateau phase, where sexual stimulation continues and we are kind of hanging out, being aroused and excited in our bodies and minds. Many people experience this phase as a feeling of being "on the edge." Our bodies may feel incredibly sensitive, we may get flushed, or feel our heartbeat more strongly.

Orgasm is a peak of sexual excitement which begins during and follows the plateau phase. Male orgasm involves involuntary contractions of the prostate gland, vas deferens and seminal vesicles which usually (but not always!) cause the ejaculation of semen. Women experience a series of involuntary muscle contractions around the vagina that may or may not produce an ejaculate or vaginal secretion. In both men and women, throughout the whole body there is an increase in muscle tension and relaxation, especially around the pelvis.

It's tough to describe what an orgasm feels like. Not only does it differ from person to person, one person can experience any number of different sorts of orgasms that vary with every sexual experience. Orgasm can feel like a tickle or a hiccup, but can also feel like a very heavy head rush or wave of dizziness through the whole body. Overall, having an orgasm is a bit like being a balloon: your body fills up with pressure, then releases that pressure when it gets to its fullest point, much like a balloon does when it pops.

The last stage, called the resolution stage, is a relaxation of the muscles as well as a psychological relaxation and sense of wellness which occurs following orgasm. All the blood that has been pooling in the genitals and other sensitive body parts will drain out slowly, causing men to lose their erections and women’s genitals to return to their normal state. The resolution stage can also happen without orgasm: if we simply stop being sexually aroused, our bodies will gradually return themselves to their normal, everyday, non-aroused state. It is perfectly okay for this to happen, and it cannot hurt you in any way.

The Miricle of Masturbation

Now that you understand those stages, try and apply them to yourself. Can you recognize feeling all of those things? Think about what sorts of things make you feel desire, and what sorts of things arouse you, strictly in your mind, from verbal, visual or psychological cues. What sorts of touching do you like? What parts of your body feel sexually good when you or someone else touch them? Knowing when you feel desire and arousal is really important when it comes to your sexuality. It can help you to be aware of when you are interested in sex, help to make clear when you should be having sex with a partner and when you should NOT be having sex with a partner. It can also help make you feel more in control of your own body and sexuality.

We do ourselves a disservice when we think our sexuality starts the first time we engage in sexual activity with a partner. Our sexuality really starts from the day we are born, in many different ways. Our first sexual experiences not only usually are, but really SHOULD be the ones we have all by ourselves. The best way -- as well as the safest both physically and emotionally -- to start exploring and understanding your sexuality is with your own two hands. No one else can do it for you. While most people say abstinence is the only safe sex, around here we say that masturbation is the only safe sex, since abstinence is NOT having sex. Masturbation is sex you have with yourself, and it is sex.

Betty Dodson, Ph.D., the author of a best-selling book on masturbation called Sex for One, says that, "I used to say masturbation leads to sex, but now I know masturbation IS sex. The next time someone asks 'When was the first time you had sex?' the appropriate response would be your first memory of masturbation, not the first time you had [sex with a partner]."

Not only is masturbation a safe and perfectly healthy thing to do, it is the very best way to figure out what you do and do not like when it comes to sex, and it’s important if you want to work on enjoying sexual pleasure and on achieving orgasm. It also gives us a chance to figure out a lot of important things about how we feel about sex, sexual pleasure, and being sexual people.

Even people who already understand how the body works when it comes to sex can have problems with enjoying sex and achieving orgasm. More times than not, it isn't about what they're doing wrong physically, but about how they feel inside and how those feelings come into play during sex. If we feel that sex is dirty, wrong, sinful or unhealthy, it is going to be nearly impossible to enjoy ourselves and experience pleasure when we're wracked with guilt. Masturbating is a wonderful, no-risk way to figure out how you feel most comfortable and healthy being sexual and feeling sexual pleasure.

By virtue of the way our minds and bodies are, we are sexual beings. How we choose to BE sexual beings is completely up to us. Start by making yourself comfortable. Find out what puts you in a space where you can relax both your mind and your body. It's important that you are in a physical place where you can BE comfortable. It's very difficult to feel relaxed and free to be sexual if we think someone may walk in on us. You need privacy. Seek it out. Allow yourself to have whatever sexual fantasies you like. Again, you don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings: it's all in your head, and no one is having sex right now but you. Sexual fantasy is a big part of arousal, and because it's just in our heads, and not in our actions, all sexual fantasy is okay, as long as you're okay with it. Observe what happens when you have feelings of sexual desire, and what happens as you get aroused.

Once you're there, in body and mind, as they say with the yellow pages, let your fingers do the walking. Because you're the only one involved, you can do whatever feels good and you feel comfortable with: don't pout any pressure on yourself where there need be none. People often ask what the "right" way is to masturbate, but the truth is that the only "right" things to do are the things that feel good to you. When it comes to genitals, most men enjoy stimulating their penis and testicles with their hands by rubbing or stroking them slowly and working up to a quicker pace. Most women enjoy rubbing or stroking the clitoris and other areas of the vulva with the hands and fingers, with running water from a water source like the shower or faucet, or with a vibrator. You can use saliva on your fingers as a lubricant when you masturbate, or you can use your own sexual fluids or a water-based personal lubricant (like KY Jelly, Astroglide, or similar products). Lubrication can help things feel better to you. Remember that not everyone wants genital stimulation every time or even at all. You can have plenty of sexual pleasure and even orgasm without necessarily stimulating the genitals. Again, do what feels good to you.

Masturbation may or may not bring us to orgasm, and we may not even want it to. It depends on what we want. Sometimes, it feels good just to get aroused and then stop, and there is nothing bad for you about any kind of sex without orgasm.

On the other hand, if you want to achieve orgasm, just keep doing what feels good. You'll find that certain ways of touching yourself will trigger more excitement than others. Follow those cues, and just keep doing what works for you. The more you masturbate, the more you'll get to understand what arouses you and what triggers orgasm for you.

Understand that we can't always orgasm when we want to. Our bodies are complex systems in which our genitals don't work independently. If we're sick or stressed out, tired, preoccupied, or feel guilty shameful or upset, it's hard to feel sexual pleasure, let alone orgasm. Cut yourself a break when that happens. Go do something else you enjoy. Honor what your body is trying to tell you it needs. Just like it's not a good idea to eat when you aren't hungry, it's not a good idea to have any sort of sex when you're not interested or when your body isn't up to it. The beauty of sexuality is that it is with you your whole life: you can't miss out on anything. You have your whole life to enjoy it.

On this note, we want to add that masturbation is an excellent tool when it comes to finding control and balance with our sexuality. Sometimes, when they’re feeling sexual or sexually aroused, people will say that they just HAVE to go "get laid" or "get some." When we feel like that -- towards no one in particular, but simply feel a high level of desire within ourselves -- it's usually better to masturbate than to have sex with a partner. Masturbation can help us in that way to be in charge of our own sexuality, without pressuring others to get involved. No one else needs for us to feel sexually satisfied ­ when we feel like we “need” to have sex, we’re the ones who need something, not someone else. Also, no one is responsible for our sexual pleasure but ourselves.

Masturbation also is a good tool to have on hand if you are abstaining from sexual intercourse for any reason. It is a good way to give yourself an outlet that can’t hurt anyone, a way to help keep your impulses in check so you don't find yourself doing something you don't really want to do or aren't ready for.

Over all, masturbation is an excellent way to realize that sex is not just penis-in-vagina intercourse, and sex is not just what you do with a partner. Knowing that you can control your sexual pleasure with masturbation is something that can transform anyone’s experience of sex into something that is always positive, pleasurable and never limited. Ultimately, what sex is is loving and pleasuring ourselves, and when we engage a partner, sharing that pleasure and care with others.