teenage daughter having sex already!

casandra · Newbie Joined: 23 Sep 2003 Posts: 7

Hi, my daughter is 15 years old and she is having sex already. She has a boyfriend for four months and she told me they are sleeping together for some time. In the first moment I was shocked because she is so young and I didn't expect it yet. I am little confused and I don't know how to react. If someone had similar problem please tell me what did you do?

dorie · Newbie Joined: 30 Sep 2006 Posts: 9

Hi, I also have daughter who started her sexual life very early same as your daughter. Very best thing you can do is to talk with her and be very supportive. You have to explain her how to protect herself and many other things about contraception. Donâ€™t judge or blame her for anything but try to help.

LaurenCasey · Newbie Joined: 17 Jun 2007 Posts: 3

Hey,
Im fifteen.
Im in a very stable relationship.

I would like you to see it from my point of view if possible.
When you are in a relationship, where the partner means that much to you
- then i guess nothing really matters anymore.
and if you feel you are ready enough to commit.
Then it doesnt really matter what age you are.

It doesnt matter if you first have sex at 15, 16, 17...25 etc
What does matter is that you are aware of the risks.

I understand, that you being a mother it's hard to see your little girl growing up so fast.
Would you rather her of told you, and hid it from you?

I have had sex, and i know im not the only one my age that has.
There are people younger than me and your daughter that are parents.

I think you should be glad she trusts you enough to be able to tell you she has had sex, because the only people who know that i've had sex, is my partner and my best friend.

Guest · Guest

I agree with the last submission. If your daughter is telling you this then in a serious way (not in a “who gives a shit” way) then you have a privileged and wonderful relationship. Thank your daughter and build on that. It will last a lifetime.

As someone (I am a male) who waited unnecessarily until I was 19 and in college before having intercourse, my brother’s antics (he brought girls home when he was 13 and rarely did we not have to turn up the TV volume when they were there) well, they annoyed me.
Our mother was not permissive, she just faced the facts. If it was going to happen it would happen anyway. Better she knew and could talk to the girl involved than to not know.

On reflection (I’m now 50 years old, twice married and a counselor for teens for the last ten years),

Well, truth is I missed out on a wonderful time for teenagers. A time you can experiment and find out what your body is about. Sure, sex is dangerous if you don’t understand the risks, but for those who do understand the risks and are careful, there are fewer problems than for adults. Teenage life is relatively carefree, so then it’s the time to learn. Not to discover 2 years into your marriage that your husband is in fact a sexual dork and that your friend’s husband next door is a hunky killer-lover.

Jesus’s mother was 13 or 14 according to the estimates when she had her young son.She had many children after that. Such was the custom in those times. No High SWchool, no college, and the prospect of dying at 35 or 40. Today, things are (perhaps temporarily) different.

Just understand that the 18+ rule is a fictional invention, mostly with good intentions –allowing for high school and college life and the time that takes. Bu the conflict with biological reality is enormous. So in real life the 18+ rule is not what the majority of teenagers really do. 13, 14, 15 appears to be the rule for those who disregard the rules, probably a majority.

The again, there are young guys and ladies who “keep themselves whole” until they are 18 , 21, 25 etc. That should be respected, but it seems to be rare. Hard to judge since if you tell the truth you can end up in prison.

I only come into the latter (18 to 25) group because I didn’t know what I was missing. Many offers, all declined, by dumbo me. Sad! But finally I met my match, a young lady who courted me (or was it the other way round, who knows) for 3 months. The, at the end of a wonderful night (prom dresses, dinner jackets, bow ties) I said (gulp) “I don’t want this to end tonight”. The reply was “So what do we do?”. (Me) (gulp) “I have great room in the Residence halls, private shower and stuff, maybe some music?”
Reply “Yeah I ‘d like you to do me with some nice music on, kiss my tits and ..you know..do it properly, make breakfast tomorrow..stuff like that.

Followed by me, (gasping for air) hell, will you marry me? I.. I …“Give me a nice night, then yes.”

“ Tired you sleep, then we have fun tomorrow.”

“ Not tired, we have fun tonight.”
Then I tell you what we do, after. .. If I marry you, or no marry you.

Her English then was good, I’d asked her to clock her IQ..135, not bad for a non-English native speaker but the grammar had some problems. 23 years later she had educated both of our children in three languages. Both of our children are successful in what they chose to do.

When we married our daughter off 2 years ago ago, I kissed my wife adoringly and said “same as we were then”. She replied “no, when I married you I was 15, my passport and birth certificate were fakes. I just took the money you gave me and bought them.” I marry you because you treated me like a lady, not like a servant as many do in Russia.

Goddamn! I was a child rapist!

But, my Russian queen, I love you!

Bilbu

Post script

So , keep an eye on the relationship. Make sure that contraceptive pills are available, but don't "insist" on their use. Make sure that condoms are available and DO insist on their use unless your daughter understands the (huge) potential risks.

Or, go straight in, be a super modern mom, and help control some of the unknowns... "OK, but both of you take the tests..before you start." ..."and nobody goes with anybody else!" "One girl.. one guy"Understand?" No dead daughters on my patch, and I've only got one, you my sweetie! God bless you both, but don't complain to me if it goes wrong! Love you so much, but I don't control you.. compris?!"

You might find that with a relaxed and open attitude at home that your daughter either
a) Goes into a relationship with her eyes open. 15 year olds can be very smart. Or
b) Junks the idea and maybe shacks up with a girl whose going to the same college. Same-sex female relationships are arguably less risky from the health point of view.

cheern2livexoxo · Newbie Joined: 17 Jul 2007 Posts: 10

I would die for parents like you guys. Understanding. I lost my virginity last October. I guess my stories not as fairytale as your daughters, finding the right guy and all, but theres a happy ending now. I live in a nice town and was raised a catholic and went to my private catholic school. After 8th grade graduation i was thrown off into a public school where i wasn't prepared enough to face anything. I went to a party at my two best friends house one drink led to 7 and ended up getting date raped a guy i was dating but was not my boyfriend yet. Yea i gave full consent to have sex with him but i was wasted and he was sober..shouldn't a guy be able to see that? OKay well i tend to really get down to the details. How it ends is my parents ended up finding out and when they did find out the lectures were endless and i was grounded for 2 months for having sex, told i couldn't go to my church anymore because it would hypocritacal of me to attend and shunned my my mom and dad. It wasn't my fault and at this time in my life all i needed was support and help to get through it. 9 months later i now have a boyfriend who i adore and love we both had a bad first time experiance and he understands im scared to do it again. He respects me so much and treats me like a princess. I just wish that when him and i decide to have sex someday i could let my mom know so she could be there for help and support. But i can't have that because i will never have the relationship that any of you have with your parents. Keep that relationship strong. And when your daughters relationship with that boy ends be there for her because its going to be 100 times harder to break up than her relationships before.

nothinatall · Newbie Joined: 16 Jul 2007 Posts: 8

I became saxually active when I was very young and my Mom never talked to me about sex ( basically I learned everything from TV and movies ) and my father has never been in my life. I really never thought about any of the consequences of being sexually active at such a young age. Even though they give you a general gloss over in school it was never a high priority to me. Sometimes I think that maybe if my mom expressed the different situations to me I may have taken them into more consideration. I became pregnant at 15 and it was a very hard thing to deal with. My mom also reacted badly and kicked me out of the house and then moved and we didn't really speak for a long time. I know that it can be hard to imagine your daughter going through any of this but hopefully if you think about it you will be able to help your daughter understand the importance of being careful and protecting herself. Talk to her often and see how she feels about going on the pill or shot. At least you will know that she is being protected from pregnancies. In the long run it will be the best that you know she is being protected and that is the most important thing of all. You may want to yell and you might want to cry so go ahead and do it. Just do it privately and then when you talk to your daughter be calm and be rational. Trying to force her into abstaining is probably just going to make her want to do it even more. Take her to the Gyno. She needs to get all those normal test done if she is being sexually active. Also I know when I went it scared me into not wanting to have sex for a long time because of all the test, (i.e. the pap smear). I'm not saying it will have the same affect on your daughter but it will help have a better understanding of what she will have to go through on a more regular basis if she does become pregnant or contract an STD. Anyway these just some things to think about. I am 27 now and my daughter will be 11 in a couple of months and we talk about this stuff every couple of months or so and as she gets older I plan on talking more often to her. Good Luck and God Bless!

Guest · Guest

Replying to last message and the first, I too am seeking answers to this question. But in my story there's a little twist. I am the oldest sister concerned for the baby sister. Sadly, our mother had past-away in '93. I was 10 and my sister was 1. I was 15 when I first experience intercourse and man, was I afraid and confused. Obviously my mother wasn't around to talk to me about these things. I did learn however a lot about sex from school with their sex ed videos and how our bodies were going to change, and what is STD's, but I was still scared on how my father was going to react to it all. Fortunately, his girlfriend at the time supported me and comforted me on how I should let my father know what I had done. He cried and was disappointed, like someone had took away his precious unicorn, but accepted that it had already happened. I assured him that I didn't do it to disrespect him and that I was fully educated on being aware of my consequences, that I know that I have to be very safe, protect myself from STD's and pregnancy, and just be responsible for my own actions. I was so afraid that he was going to yell right away and possibly hit me and call me all these horrible names making me feel disgusting than I already felt. Letter on in my teen years I started to screw up dating this older man, rebelling, coming home late and it all started because my dad tried to close me in doors and would then call me "whore, bitch, slut, prostitute, all these awful names. And that's why I had rebelled. Now, I'm 25 and I'm in another very serious relationship, 5 1/2yrs. Around my age which I think is healthy because we're both learning. I have no kids. Never once got pregnant. I'm a responsible working woman. And when I was getting close to the end of my 1st year of my relationship with lover, I settled it right. Introduced him to my dad, had them get to know each other, and let my dad say what he needed to say. My dad was happy with me and respected me and understood that I was growing up. Now we have a wonderful father and daughter bond.
As for my sister, I know what she's going through. And since my mother isn't around to talk to her about sex, I have to be there at least to support her and hear her out. I did kinda lost my childhood taking care of her, so that is why feel concerned for her like I'm her mom. So taking this time to really think about what I went through and reading these stories, it helped me a lot on what I should say when I do confront her about her having sex. And even though I'm heart broken about her losing it, there's nothing I can do to bring it back and for her to be pure again. She's doing it and she's going to continue doing it because she's curious and being a teen. She's growing up. I was there not too long ago and I know how it felt to have spontaneous sex. There's that saying, "The forbidden fruit is so much sweeter". That's how sex is for teens. The more you try to keep them away from doing it, it only makes them want to try it more and soon.

teenage daughter having sex already!

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