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Hi, I'm very concerned about what is wrong with me. This is a long read, but I think it will help to give you a broader perspective on my position. I'm 16 years old, and will be 17 in september.


I have always had very serious mood swings for the past 5-6 years, and I tend to get very angry about the smallest things. For example, my mom had a problem with her computer, and I couldn't figure the problem out, and after 10-15 minutes of troubleshooting, I go into an angry rage and I ended up almost breaking her computer desk. It was nothing she had done wrong, it was just this problem I couldn't solve. Even if I'm playing a video game, I will get completely pissed off if I die a few times repeatedly, or if something ridiculous happens in-game or something.

Things like this have always set me over the edge; I just get pissed off for no serious reason, and I try to control it, but I feel that I can't control it, and I end up almost breaking something. I never get angry at people or become violent around people, I can kind of hold it in until I can go somewhere alone and let it out, but I really have never been able to talk to people normally. I consider myself to be EXTREMELY anti-social. I usually just get really tempered, and if anyone asks me something or tries to get me to talk, I usually just tell them to go away or something, like my family members.

My mom has had an alcohol problem, up until about 2-3 weeks ago (she said she hasn't had something to drink, but i'm almost positive she has), I have never had a good relationship with my father (I don't know why, I just don't like him as a person, but I always end up feeling sorry for him.), my brother has an ADHD problem and was prescribed ritalin, and I have experimented with many different drugs. I'll list as many as I can remember: Marijuana(about 2 years, definitely drug of choice), San pedro cactus, Psilocybin mushrooms, Hawaiian baby woodrose seeds, salvia divinorum, LSD, PCP (accidentally; i was smoking with my friends, and one of my friend's friend's had brought his own weed, which he got from a rather sketchy guy, who I eventually asked what was on the weed, and he confirmed it was pcp, laughing about it.), Prescription meds (mainly vicodin, and once or twice with my brother's ritalin, which I never got into, i just tried, but I hated it), lots of alcohol, powdered mescaline, Ecstasy, Amanita muscaria mushrooms, and maybe a few others, but those basically sum it up. This has been mainly the past year, but marijuana has been going for 2 years. I just recently stopped smoking due to counselling, and I am now on a drug test regime to monitor my thc metabolite levels until I am clean. It hasn't been too hard to quit smoking, but everything else was experimental, I never got addicted to anything (surprisingly, even after experimenting with vicodin, an opiate, a few days straight at some times, just because I had it, oh well.) Mainly, my drug use can be summed up as very psychedelic. Most of the drugs I did were psychedelics, with a few harder drugs, like pcp and vicodin, but I always refrained from coke, meth, heroin, etc. (hard drugs), even though I had many opportunities to try them.

I think marijuana has been my primary "drug of choice" as you will, because it really lets me let everything go, and just enjoy myself. It really is the perfect cure for anything I am angry about. Honestly, it doesn't make me lazy at all. When I did do it, i found myself cleaning my room (I am very organized, most of the time at least), putting dishes in the dishwasher, going out to mow the lawn, etc., and once I finally get "high", I feel like I am at peace with myself and everyone around me, and everything is perfectly fine. I can really focus on what matters at that time, and it made everything so enjoyable. I guess I find myself being so productive when I get high because my dad has always told me how it makes you stupid and lazy, and smoking pot is bad, no matter what, and I remember that every time I get high. Everything my dad says I try to do the opposite, I don't know if I just feel like I should prove him wrong or what...

Marijuana has helped me to enjoy the simple things in life, and really let myself know how fortunate I have been in life. It kept my mood-swings away, and for example, whenever I would play video games while high, and I died a few times consecutively, I found myself, instead of abruptly leaving the game and turning my computer off to storm out of the room in anger and rage, I just said "dangit" softly, and get over it, very quickly.

Even though I have done many different mind altering drugs, my anger problems have been going on for years before my drug use. Honestly, I don't have many friends, and actually one of the best friends I had, I had just gotten into a conflict with, nothing violent, but I flat out told him I was tired of his attitude, and I really didn't like him as a person anymore. He was the one I smoked pot with almost 100% of the time, which might be a reason it hasn't been too hard to stop smoking pot, after 2 years+ of almost every day use. My THC:Creatinine ratio at one point was well over 1200:1 after a 3 day break, which the counselor said was one of the highest he had ever seen, and only 1 or 2 people had gotten higher (no pun intended). He made it kind of a joke after saying "it must have been some bomb weed!". I found that kind of funny, but anyways...

I also have another large influence in my life, which is my mom's boyfriend. We have always gotten along, and he has always been completely honest about everything in his life, and he really is a good person. He never does any drugs, and has a beer maybe once every 6 months, literally. He is a very smart guy, and he is morally right about everything. Seriously, he could be the perfect person, and he has been very forgiving about my marijuana use, even after he told me it would interfere with our relationship. I think he has helped in getting me to stop smoking as well. Actually, last weekend, he took me to a motorcycle race (which is his ultimate favorite hobby, vintage motorcycles), and with the dirtbike he bought me to ride, I won my first moto, and got second my 2nd moto, getting 2nd overall. It was the second time I had rode the bike, and the first time I rode it I won a race down in taft, CA, getting 1st overall. i'm not trying to sound overconfident or anything, but I have always caught on fast with anything I have done. Basically, he is the only person I can really hold nothing against, he has been such an amazing person, ever since i first met him which was probablly over 10 years ago. He has also been very forgiving about my moms alcohol use, although he despises it. He has done drugs in the past, but he completely hates drugs and alcohol now, he really does, but I don't blame him. He has told me about some bad experiences he has had with them (I don't want to go into details, sorry), but he really has good reason to not like drugs/alcohol. He really has saved me a lot of heartache in my life in my opinion. Part of the reason is because he is so honest with me.

He also has talked with me about my dad, who isn't honest with me. He tries to keep this "I'm the father and you are the son" kind of perspective over me, and he doesn't get that once a kid starts to mature, they develop their own thoughts and understandings of things, and he doesn't get it. He hasn't been honest with me about his drug use at ALL. My mom told me he, at one time, had a $3,000 cocaine dept to a drug lord, and had to borrow the money from my mother. I haven't let him know that I know that, because I know that's a very serious part of his life that he is probablly ashamed about, which is why he tries to keep this pride image about him. He really tries to make himself seem like a perfect person, which he hasn't been in his life. He's a complete overachiever. He says he's never had a drug problem in his life, and only experimented with marijuana in high school, and had done psychedelics in very low doses once or twice, but my mother says otherwise. She said "little johnny got to do whatever little johnny wanted to do, he was a complete partier, and did coke all the time, I used to do it with him". My mom and dad are divorced obviously, and my dad is re-married. He has lots of money and a nice house with a pool and small vineyard and blah blah blah, but has always been concerned with my marijuana use, and has actually given me a car if I passed a drug test, but I had either used a friends urine to pass the test ( a home test), or spiked it with chlorine bleach, which renders the test negative. He knows about both of these now, because I have been very willing to be totally honest at our counseling sessions, which includes me, my mother, and my father. What has kept me smoking pot up until about 2-3 weeks ago was because he had always smoked pot up until new year's 2009, he said, which I think is BS because I've seen him high as a kite sometimes, which is easy to tell, because I was a total stoner the past 2 years, does he think i'm stupid? Anyways, he has been very dishonest with me, and tries to seem like a perfect person, which I know he hasn't been. He is a total wine-snob, along with his new wife. I actually found rolling papers and a jar of decent marijuana in his shed stuffed away in some boxes, pretty well hidden, but obviously not well hidden enough. I brought it up to him, and he said that it wasn't his, it was his friends. Ya right. Why would it be at your house dad? The friend he said it belonged to actually was the one that did coke with him all of the time, and his son is actually one of my best friends, and luckilly is a very nice kid, and pretty smart. He's nothing like his dad, thank god.

Overall, I consider myself to be a very moral and ethical person now, it's just that the smallest things can completely change my mood, and can ruin my entire day, and even extend into the next day or 2 after. It's hard for me to let things go sometimes, even if I try to talk myself out of it by saying "why are you getting mad at something so stupid, is it worth ruining the rest of your day over?" but nothing seems to help, besides my marijuana use of course, which I talked about a few paragraphs before, but at the time, that's not an option, which I clearly understand. I wouldn't say that i'm not dissappointed that I can't smoke, because if i wasn't being forced to quit, or if my mom's boyfriend wasn't so against it (which I respect him for, and am willing to stop smoking for), i would probablly still be smoking marijuana.

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Anyways, I hope all of this information helps, because I tried to include as much as I possibly could. It's basically a brief overview of my (short) life so far, and any thoughts or comments are appreciated, thank you. If you have any questions or need any missing information, just post a question here and I will try to answer it.

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Robert,
You asked the question if you were bi-polar....and the examples that you share indicate strong mood swings.

With all the drugs you say you have sampled and used, it is not surprising to hear that everything is not perfect.

You do sound real comfortable with your mother's new boyfriend. He sounds like a sound person and a positive influence on your life.
Keep that. Build on it.

Your anger and distrust of your father is very evident. But he will always be your father.
I think you need to be speaking with a counselor about your feelings toward your father.

You may also want to share your concern over bi-polar feelings. You label your feelings and the small causes very well... and awareness is the first step toward change.

Beyond those points, I'm not qualified to judge or advise you.
But I do urge you to build on your strengths to deal with your feelings and pressures without resorting to the drugs. You'll find at best they are a crutch, and at worst.... well, you know what leads down that path....
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you and i have so much in common first of all strong mood swings i can get very angry real damn depressed and occasionally super happy as for drugs i have only tried marijuana. my mom has a drinking problem and a new boy friend as well. oh and im also born in sept. any way yeah i think ur bi-polar cause i think im bi-polar so if im bi-polar you are probably bi-polar.
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Wow, im born in september, smoked/smoke pot more or less every day, im probably bi-polar as well, my dad had cocaine problems, he now has a house with a pool, my parents are divorced. The only difference is that I don't get along at all with my step dad, he is truly evil.. Wish I had a step dad like your's. This is a really old post so you might not notice it. Insane how alike our lives seem to have turned out so far haha. I think we are as old to.
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