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My boyfriend and I met 4 years ago. We had sex ALL the time and he was way interested in it. I had noticed after a short time of dating, the sex tappered off. I found a large collection of porn. He had been jacking off fantazising of other women and not having sex with me. I grew very upset and he had told me to throw out all the porn. I did. A few months later I found porn under the seat of his car and a towel in the back seat covered with dry semen. We got into a huge fight over that. I feel like I can't trust him at all. He lies so much and about the smallest things. Anyways, we stayed togerther and had a son and recently a daughter. Throughout that though, sex was way few and far between. And still is. We have only had sex once in the past 4.5 months. I know he jacks off frequently. There is a women at his job who is very flirty and always makes a point to tell me stupid things to get me upset. Like she went to a dealership to pick up something and the guy behind the counter asked her how the kids were. She said I'm not Curts girlfriend. I had come into his place of work that day and she ran out to tell me how this guy thought that they were married and that she took it as a compliment and that she thought he would be a great guy to be married to. It kinda irritated me. Anyways, when I bring up about the non-sex happening, he doesn't talk to me or sAY ANYTHING. i WONDER IF HE IS CHEATING? I don't trust him or the woman at his job that flirts with him. I tell him that I have needs and that I want to be in a relationship that has closeness and intimacy, and he says nothing. I constantly tell him, I will look for a new relationship if it doesn't change. I've tried everything. I walk in front of him naked, nothing. I text him naughty pics on camera phone, nothing. I wear lingiere, nothing and he says he doesn't like lingiere. I checked his car for porn and there is nothing. Checked the cell phone bill for unknown frequently called numbers, found nothing. I just don't know what to do. I am 30 years old and I want a partner who wants me. I have needs and I'm not the type to cheat, but enough is enough. What do I do? And do you think he could be cheating?

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you know actually yeah I do think that he is cheating.....because obviously what he is not getting from you......he could be getting from someone else, and when I say this I mean maybe he isn't interested in having sex with you anymore, like he thinks that there is no more passion or having sex with you is boring......I really do think that he is cheating on you.....try this one trick, if he says he is going somewhere then ask him what he is going to do and where he is going to go, then a week or 2 weeks later ask him the same question.....if they are different answers then you know he is keeping something from you.....the only way I can see you being able to catch him though, is by using or getting the Help of the TV show called CHEATERS, where they have an investigator see what he really does and where he really goes.....I'm not really sure if there is another to catch him....
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Guest wrote:

I don't really now what to say- I just did a google search on this topic to see if I was the only one and found this which is echoing my life... We have been together for around 3 years and like you- it was amazing at first but now I too- just aren't wanted at all. I cry to him asking him to tell me why and he says he's just tired but that I have become needy and that is not attractve- the only reason I am needy though is because I'm not being wanted. It was lie a month and a half the last time- and even then I had to beg for it. I really love him and just want it fixed...I just want him to treach out and grab me and want me the way he used to... I want it to be fun- now he says it's just a chore... I have dressed in sexy lingerie- that doesn't mae a difference... He says he loves me- but I just can't see that that is true because if he did- he would want me- sometimes... is it even medically possible for a guy n his 20s to go that long without wanting it. All of my friends complain that their guys want it multiple times a day- I would be happy to be wanted once a week. It just sucks. I don't know what to do- I just want him to want me.




He may not be cheating at all. I think you should trust him on this one. It has become a chore and you are too needy. It may not be sexy at all, but rather off putting.
I am sure he loves just he says he does but you need to control yourself and not beg for sex.
Find a way to come out of this situation on your own.

You don't have to be wanted all the time in a 3 year old relationship. Passion sometimes fades, but only for moments. It will come back.

Your current behaviour won't fix things, it will only make them worse and could eventually lead to a break up.

Control yourself, go to the gym or do other creative things, hang with your friends, anything just to keep your mind off sex and thoughts of being undesirable.

Good luck and don't worry things, will work out, just don't be so pushy!
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I'm been with my guy almost 3 years and we watch porn together. and are sex life is good try new things all the time. i make most of the effort but hey i don't have that problem why wonder when the sex is better on my side of the fence. you freaking out about porn and masterbation show a lack of selfesteem. so not hot. ask to watch him when he does it (it might turn you on) and shows him that he can trust you and be comfortable with you. why don't you pick a porn a softcore one and give it to him to show that your willing to compermize. If you leave him you well still have the problem with other men they all do its a very heathly part of life(it makes them last longer for you.) and you need to find a sexual release for yourself you try it. get to know your body. that way you can take the rains and so him what you want. hope it helps but remember if he cheats talk about why he did it. and you learn from it or if well happen again with any man.
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Speaking as a man I can say that your boyfriend is jerking off too much. If he's doing it in the car then he's become dependant on it and is using it as a substitute for sex with you. I went through this very thing. I became less and less interested in my wife but I was still jerking of once twice or even three times a day. I thought that I was losing interest in her or maybe my sex drive was waning with age. My wife was also very angry about the porn every time she found it and we found ourselves going through the cycle of getting rid of the collection only to have it start sprouting back up again later.

Masturbation is healthy but too much of it can have this exact effect on your love life. Once I focused my efforts on giving it up and not trying to hide it my desire to have sex with my wife came back almost immediately. With a VENGEANCE. She had to tell me to slow down because I was trying to have sex with her as many times a day as I had previously been masturbating. Eventually that too tapered off and now our sex life is very healthy and both of us are happy. I still masturbate but only when It's 3 in the morning and I wake up turned on and the wife can't get in the mood.

Before you assume your man is cheating on you I would try to address the porn as the root of problem. Explain to him (because believe it or not he may not realize it) that his lack of desire for you is a direct result of the porn. He probably wants very much to desire you but the porn has sapped that out of him and he probably has some guilt and confusion about it. Meanwhile he still has manly urges and porn is always there for him. Let him know that he has a problem and you don't blame him but you need to work together to bring the passion back into your sex life. He has to make a real effort to give it up and you have to be patient.
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rebmad wrote:

My boyfriend and I met 4 years ago. We had sex ALL the time and he was way interested in it. I had noticed after a short time of dating, the sex tappered off. I found a large collection of porn. He had been jacking off fantazising of other women and not having sex with me. I grew very upset and he had told me to throw out all the porn. I did. A few months later I found porn under the seat of his car and a towel in the back seat covered with dry semen. We got into a huge fight over that. I feel like I can't trust him at all. He lies so much and about the smallest things. Anyways, we stayed togerther and had a son and recently a daughter. Throughout that though, sex was way few and far between. And still is. We have only had sex once in the past 4.5 months. I know he jacks off frequently. There is a women at his job who is very flirty and always makes a point to tell me stupid things to get me upset. Like she went to a dealership to pick up something and the guy behind the counter asked her how the kids were. She said I'm not Curts girlfriend. I had come into his place of work that day and she ran out to tell me how this guy thought that they were married and that she took it as a compliment and that she thought he would be a great guy to be married to. It kinda irritated me. Anyways, when I bring up about the non-sex happening, he doesn't talk to me or sAY ANYTHING. i WONDER IF HE IS CHEATING? I don't trust him or the woman at his job that flirts with him. I tell him that I have needs and that I want to be in a relationship that has closeness and intimacy, and he says nothing. I constantly tell him, I will look for a new relationship if it doesn't change. I've tried everything. I walk in front of him naked, nothing. I text him naughty pics on camera phone, nothing. I wear lingiere, nothing and he says he doesn't like lingiere. I checked his car for porn and there is nothing. Checked the cell phone bill for unknown frequently called numbers, found nothing. I just don't know what to do. I am 30 years old and I want a partner who wants me. I have needs and I'm not the type to cheat, but enough is enough. What do I do? And do you think he could be cheating?



My boyfriend is the same exact way, and it aggravates me nonstop.

When we first started dating 4 years ago we were only freshmen in High School and had both had no sexual past experiences. Even after over a year of dating we never did anything and it started to make me wonder if he wasn't attracted to me in that sense. I grew so angry and jealous one day, when on the phone, he said he downloaded this hentai (anime porn) and went into length describing it. I told him it upset me, and then he didn't mention anything near the subject ever again. One day he asked me to come over in pigtails and a skirt, and we actually came close to an experience, but never did. Later I found out a character from the anime had pigtails and a skirt on all the time and I felt hurt and enraged he didn't like me as me, and he told me he'd delete the hentai since it hurt me so much.

Though maybe 2 years into our relationship we eventually did have sex. Things were good for a while, we had sex regularly, well 5 days a month or so. But it started dwindling away again. I'll try coaxing him by talking smoothly, laying next to him while he's watching tv, or start twirling my fingers on his neck, but whatever I do he pulls my hand back and tries to advert my attention back to the screen. At this point in time I haven't had sex in over 4 months, and no matter what I do trying to get him on the subject, I'm instantly denied.

A couple times I'll get close, but then he'll get up and say "Excuse me I need to go to the bathroom" leaving me with nothing.

He's told me several times "If you just want someone for sex, then it's not me!" but I just want some intimacy, and to be wanted! He's making me feel like a sex addict, with just wanting to actually have sex once in a blue moon. It's so frustrating hearing all the stories of men that want women just for sex when he wants nothing to do with it. Half the time I think he's gay, half the time I think he's not attracted to me. I'd hate to think it's cheating or more hentai, I really don't know what to do anymore.
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I really would like to pose a very important question about this issue. Is an unhealthy addiction to porn as a replacement for sex considered cheating? From reading everyone's posts, I am sure that I am not alone in having this same problem with my husband. I can't help but feel that if your man is not interested in you sexually, but masturbating to pornography frequently, it is the same as cheating. I am not saying that looking at porno and masturbating is totally wrong, for some people porn can accentuate sex. But if your sex life is suffering because of a porn addiction, there is a problem. Every woman who has had this issue with their man has an initial instinct that he is cheating. The fact may be, there is not another woman, but in a sense, there are many. It churns my stomach to think of my husband fantasizing about having sex with the woman he is looking at while masturbating. She is giving him what I am not, does that not classify as cheating on me? Why would he feel compelled to cover his tracks (erasing the computer history and hiding magazines, videos, lube, etc.) if he did not feel there was something wrong with what he is doing.
We live in a new age, with pornography being readily available at the click of a mouse, should we not change our ideas of infidelity? We now have a new temptation to consider. When our men are alone checking their email, all it takes is a pop-up with some scantily clad s***, and they're surfing the free porn paradise.
I have had this problem with my husband off and on for years now. The frequency of sex in our relationship rises and falls, most of the time we have less sex when we have Internet access and he has time alone while I am at work during the week. I just went through the whole nightmare again over the last 6 months. I was working a 9-5 job, and he works 230-11. Our older son is in kindergarten, so I took him to school before work. I would come home on my lunch break, and there my husband would be, on the computer...but miraculously when I got home for the day and checked the history, there was nothing there. We used to have sex every Friday, because we both had weekends off, but after a while, he stopped being interested even then. He became distant, and would not look at me when I dressed in front of him, etc. It just seems too coincidental that when our computer was broken, and I was not working, we were having sex regularly. Then, I started working, we fixed the computer, and our problems started all over again. He has gotten slicker too, before I caught him by downloading hidden Spyware, but now he has Anti-spyware which detects the programs and erases them.
So I have no REAL proof of his porno conquests, but how strange is it that I lost my job last week, and now I am home all the time, we are having sex more. Last night we had sex after not having it for a week, and he ejaculated during foreplay! Before, even when we had gone two weeks before having sex, his was able to hold out longer than that! To me, that is proof enough.
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much, so much that I have a hard time bringing the issue up to him. All I have is circumstantial evidence, and if he denies it, what then? I don't want to start a fight, and ruin the sex life we are building again, but I am afraid that when I get another job, things will go back to the way they were. I am tired of feeling lonely, unattractive and undesirable. I just don't know what else to do to get him to see the error of his ways. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Good luck to everyone sharing my pain with this issue.
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hey rebmad,
what a yucky place to be. I understand your suspicions because we all have them. especially with all that you feel and the little clues that point to your guy being unfaithful. first of all, your gut tells you more than most people give it credit for. we tend to make excuses for what our instincts are telling us loud and clear.

i will say, however, your investigating- phone bill searches, testing him with being naked infront of him, suspecting girls at his work, etc... are driving you crazy, right?! your thoughts, you have to take control over... when we are hurting and feel neglected, we tend to think up crazy and gurtful scenarios to justify our feelings and to explain why he is acting this way or that.

my advice would be to stop investigating... don't try to trick him with asking questions and asking them again later to see if the response is consistant, stop looking through his phone and phone bills because if is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. regardless of HIS actiions you have the right to feel secure in a relationship and to feel loved and desired and appreciated! Don't wait for HIM to determine what you want for you life... if YOU are not getting what you need- you should leave. Try being alone for a bit if you decide to spit from this guy, you will be AMAZED at what you learn on your own about yourself and about you TRULY WANT out of a relationship.

If it is worth sticking it out and you both agree, seek professional counseling so that you can both be heard... he may have needs that he is not getting fulfilled from you too and the sooner you both know what the other is longing for the sooner you can be happy and have great sex again...communication and respect goes a LONG way.

hope this helps.
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i've been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years sex was great at first he couldn't get enough of me then his ex girlfriend got him a puppy sice then he has had sex with me 3 times since the mut arrived it is now over 2 and we haven't had sex in 15 months i am divorced and so is he he has his own rented flat where he lives with his dog
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I Feel the same way. My Partner only wants me when there is no time for him to go on the internet for him to get his satisfaction. It makes me feel SO ugly and unwanted. It makes me want to give up on our relationship.
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me and my bf have been together for 2 years and we have an one year old kid he is quite older then me am 20 and he 35,but when we first met we was havin sex almost every day and night,and we would always kiss me give me hugs and that,even when i was pregnant we was at it :).but since after having baby we have had it one and its been months usually he only wants me when he is drunk and i tried it on with im an few times but he moves me away and rejects me i even ask im for hugs and kisses he starts to moan and i tried laying my head down on him when we was watching telly he moaned,dis made me really upset i have to admit i cried an few times.and really thought am i ugly or is he cheating on me.i ask him dese questions he says if i didnt like you would i be here but he stays wit me cause his flat is currently being re-dun through out.so he cud jus be using me for an place to live,i mean even an old couple have more passion than us,its making me more depressed and yeah i am thinking buying ma self an toy il probly get more sex out of that then him.it feels love less.even now wen he drunk he dusnt ask for sex,he doesnt wank im self or watches porn has he did wen got together,mostly he stays in with me,and he says he hasnt cheated but why not have sex not even an kiss or hug,***edited by moderator*** ** inappropriate posting** love less,am not an girl to cheat but damn its looking that way.he goes out on his appointments and that but i have been told he has been lien where he is going but mostly wen he goes out he goes to his mates thats all.all to see his other kids.when i was pregnant he did get an girls number but sed it was an joke but im and his mates rang her back da next day and no one was telling me to sum one split up abt it and wen i got with im on his bday he did take anutha girl out and was telling ppl he didnt want me and he hated me and then i caught him going in his flat with the girl and he says he kissed the girl ( but now saying it was an bday kiss jus an peck on the cheek ) but dat wat not wat he was telling me when he was drunk,den he sed i shudnt get mad cuz he picked me.
den he says he wasnt gunna sleep with dat girl but y take her back to his place???? den wen i had my baby he was looking after his kid one night and his ex other him to take im for an drink im and his kid and i was mad abt it cause i knew she was after im and den i text im sayin he was sleeping with her and den suddenly she read my text ( she had his fone) wtf dat pissed me off,he came bak sayin he going to his mates off to his mates he goes with his kid ( but woudnt bring my kid) then i ring im he says he be back lata,den i ring im agen he says i got a tell me sum thik his ex came with her fren to his mates ( he offered to come but he says he didnt and dat his mate offered im yeah right) and dat if she rings me to ignore her so i did.den he comes back and says sum c**p den goes back to anutha mates.find out next morning that he was talking dirty on the fone to his ex and he sed it was an joke,well why was he dat means sum et was going on with dem dat day,and dats why i dnt trust im,he used to go out and party alot but now all he dus he stay at mine all day go get his muni and den wither go shop or his mates.makin me think is he sleeping with anutha girl or waiting for his fllat to be dun den ***edited by moderator*** ** inappropriate posting** me off,am jus confused x
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He is no longer attracted to you. Based on time, body changing or whatever. Porn is his outlet to fantasize about something different. Maybe sex with you has become boring or same old. Maybe you aren't willing to try new things to excite his sexual needs. People don't know how much they need things until they are gone. Go visit you family for a few weeks. Act diffrent towards him. Act as though you are seeing someone else. Then maybe he'll chnage and if he doesn't. You can rest assured he has someone else. I think some of the time people or at least one of the people in the relationship stays just because they've gotten used to life with the other so they stay with them. To be honest, You can't really rely on the other person your in the relationship with, no matter how much time is invested. You never know when they might run out. Drastically changing al lthose things you were accustom to. Spice up your sex life, through some role playing in it perhaps. If none of those seem to change his mind about it. Guess what? Be prepared to face some hardships ahead of you. Depression, replying thinsg in your mind, etc al lthe break up symptoms. Just keep in the back of your mind that it was bond to happen and your happy you didn't waste anymore of your life "pretending".
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I'm glad I don't have to sign up to reply here! I should mention that I am a guy, college-aged, with a girlfriend of 1-year who I love.

I have a couple of points to make. I'm going to start with criticisms. First of all, you need to stop trying so hard. Don't try to seduce him by being kinky. Be romantic and loving and if the love is there, sex will come naturally. Identify whether he's particularly stressed out or not sleeping well, both of these could make sex unappealing. Also, does he have difficulties during sex (premature ejaculation, not getting hard)? If he's nervous or if there's a lot of pressure to have sex, or he is worried about performing, he will try to avoid it. It sounds like you are getting overly frustrated and pushy and this could very well be the problem.

Second: porn isn't bad and you can't be that mad at him for looking at porn. You have to separate it from reality, even though it might be unpleasant for you to think about. Looking at porn is not like cheating- most women do it, and ALMOST ALL men do it. This includes married people. Sometimes you don't want to or don't have time for sex, you just want to relax or blow off some steam. He could be the most devoted loving husband in the world and still watch porn. YOU can't help what he thinks about, HE can't help what he thinks about, and not only is trying to control it futile, but it's unattractive- you're checking his phone bill and searching his car. What is important are the actions that he takes to show that he loves you.

That being said:

Your relationship sounds like it doesn't have a healthy sex life, and it doesn't sound like he's putting in very much effort. Furthermore, you sound extremely suspicious and pushy (you literally threatened to leave the father of your two children and find someone else if he doesn't have sex with you). You are only making things worse (I know it sounds insulting but please take this criticism to heart, I'm just being honest).

You need to talk to him about it: don't be frustrated, don't be pushy, don't be accusatory- be the loving wife you should be and ask him what's wrong. If there is an issue, he needs to come forth and discuss it with you or it won't be solved. Therefore, you should give him every opportunity and reason to talk to you about it, even though it's an uncomfortable subject.
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I have the same problem. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years at 1st we had sex alot. Over the past 2 years maybe a little less we hardly ever have sex. Maybe once a month if that, we dont live together so I take in to account that sometimes we dont get enough alone time. But when we do get alone time all he seems to do is watch TV. Even when I touch him down there most of the time he passes if off as I'm joking around (when i'm not!) or he says he needs the toilet so I can't touch him there, but then doesnt go the toilet for ages!

We do discuss the fact our sex life is bad alot, and he always says the same thing "It will change, I will make more of an effort, I'm lazy"
But it seems like he has said this a hundred times and still no change. I have sexy underwear/outfits I have worn and still nothing. Some of the stuff I have never even worn.

It makes me feel really bad especially as we are only young 23 and 24. I have to hear my friends talk all the time about what they get up to and most of the time I lie just to seem more 'normal'

What can I do to make him see that it is really effecting me alot, and sometimes even though I love him so much, I feel as if maybe I should leave him because it causes me so much stress. In every other way he is perfect, but as I have said since we first got together - Sex for me is a very important part of a relationship
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Somebody please help me!! I just turned 29 my husband is 34, we have been together 14 years & married a little over 10 years. For many years in the beginning sex was CRAZY, every way possible, atleast 2 times a day with days we woukd do it 5-6 times. We where very connected sexually. During our relationship in the first half he used to go out all day & all night getting drunk & going to strip clubs etc... I have found out FOR SURE that he had cheated on me approx 40-50 times even with strippers & our mutual friends!! I stayed & forgave him, mostly because I didnt find out he had actually cheated until years later when he admitted to me that he did. He stopped hanging with those friends, stopped drinking & stopped going out & became a family man, it was nice. We have a daughter (11yrs) Well my issue now is that about 6yrs ago sex started to slow down &we only did it when I had to initiate it, Now it has been over FOUR YEARS since we've had sex or even made out, touched eachother...etc. I have tried everything believe me! While lying in bed at night if I touch him intimatly he will all of a sudden PRETEND his asleep & rolls over on his stomach to block his u know what! That hurts so bad. When ive asked him whats up he says he just has more sex drive at all because he takes meds for his high blood pressure, wtf? Those are basically water pills, thats just an excuse I think! I know its a lie & excuse because ive found out he downloads porn on his comp & also his cellphone. He has enough sex drive to jerk off to pictures of other girls everyday so I know hes lying!! Im about to move out & separate from him for awhile & seek marraige counseling its not only sex but we havent kissed for years either, havent held eachother...NOTHING!! I feel like his buddy or like we are just roommates & I am completely FED UP, I can live without sex if he had medical issues (he doesnt) but its the other things mostly, we do nothing at all that makes us different from him & his buddies, except share a bed even though we dont even touch in bed. I have had 3 miscarriages & 2 babies so I have gained some weight, I feel thats the reason & I try everything to be skinny again for him but am in a medicine that makes me gain weight & I cannot stop taking the meds & my doc says there is no alternative meds for me to take. He has me feeling like the ugliest piece of sh*t ever. We used to go places together too but we havent gone anywhere together for a few years, i always go places alone now, he even has forgotten our anniversary for the last 3 yrs & doesnt even buy me bday gifts anymore when he used to spoil me like crazy! I just feel stuck in a loveless marriage thats going nowhere but down. I really feel that he has fallen out if love with me years ago but he just doesnt have he heart to tell me & leave me, I am definitely not ugly at all, may each few pounds heavier than 14 yrs ago when we met but he has put on weight too but I still love him the same. Does anyone have any advice? Is it a good idea for us to separate awhile till we work on our marriage issues or till we figure out if we even still have a marriage to save or if he even wants to save it? BTW we dont fight either so thats definitely not the reason find all of this.
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