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Sounds so horrendous... so easy to do..breaking up with someone who is an alcoholic..but truth is, when you meet someone, fall madly in love and then realize, months later that they are an alcoholic and that their abusive ways (verbal and emotional) that erupt over time are part of the package. My boyfriend, not a young man, but 49, was so ill, that he finally admitted he needed help. He went into detox...and then rehab..and i stood by him. every step.... and even paid for his hotel rooms to be near his out patient program. I was there, thru thick and thin... yet, not even a few days after coming out of rehab, he began drinking again.. behind my back but I suspected. His utter disgust caused him to deflect on me..again, abusive..emotional and verbal... unreal actually.
I had it.. told him I needed to let him go... very painful since despite the horrid picture I am presenting, there were times, many of them, that were filled with love, fun and friendship....so passionate and so real...yet he was an abusive alcoholic... and yet I mourn the loss...
What is wrong with me? I am a professional, have great teenagers, very functional... very successful in my life in so many ways....yet, this is so hard...can anyone else relate? I know the term codependency... and yes, i fit the term... so, I am working thru this in therapy, but i still mourn...

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Health Ace
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hey, im just here to let you know that mourning is 100% natural insutuations like this.... everyone deals with grief and anger/frustration differently but mourning is deffinatly a normal part of the healing process.... remember how many people you have in your life that love you and just take your time getting through this.....
good luck and remember things always get worse before they get better ;-)
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your situation mimicks mine - and i never dealt with an alcoholic- they have such love and passion yet one drink over and its rage and abuse- i saw my girlfriend go thru it and had to finally take the adivce i gave her for all those years.....it sucks because of all the men i dated- only like 6 since my divorce hes the one that wants loyalty and exclusiveness - maybe it was jsut so he would have someone to babysit him and drive him around-maybe he just told me what i wanted to hear.....lesson learned
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I can relate to everything you have said. I was in a 10 year relationship before I walked away I'm to ashamed to tell you how stupid I was.Now that my life is going better,I still lay awake at night thinking of him.I havent dated anyone since and have no desire he damaged me maybe for life.
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I have just ended a 7 yr relationship with an alcoholic and for some reason I have never looked at sites like this. Most people are depressed and in therapy ,this has to be the time to move on when you reach his point where you have tried and tried and the situation is hopeless.I felt down , tearful and depressed due to my partners behaviour , I can be happy then he crushes it and then I thought why Iam allowing myself to be treated so badly when I have always showed him kindness.I do not live with him so I think its best to get out, the problem is he always wins me back even 6 mths later this is a repetitve cycle, so I am hoping that I can be strong enough not to take him back this time.
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smartcenter wrote:

Sounds so horrendous... so easy to do..breaking up with someone who is an alcoholic..but truth is, when you meet someone, fall madly in love and then realize, months later that they are an alcoholic and that their abusive ways (verbal and emotional) that erupt over time are part of the package. My boyfriend, not a young man, but 49, was so ill, that he finally admitted he needed help. He went into detox...and then rehab..and i stood by him. every step.... and even paid for his hotel rooms to be near his out patient program. I was there, thru thick and thin... yet, not even a few days after coming out of rehab, he began drinking again.. behind my back but I suspected. His utter disgust caused him to deflect on me..again, abusive..emotional and verbal... unreal actually.
I had it.. told him I needed to let him go... very painful since despite the horrid picture I am presenting, there were times, many of them, that were filled with love, fun and friendship....so passionate and so real...yet he was an abusive alcoholic... and yet I mourn the loss...
What is wrong with me? I am a professional, have great teenagers, very functional... very successful in my life in so many ways....yet, this is so hard...can anyone else relate? I know the term codependency... and yes, i fit the term... so, I am working thru this in therapy, but i still mourn...


OH MY GOD! You took the words right out of my mouth. I am a professional woman who met a very nice man last July. Slowly I found out he is an alcoholic/drug abuser. He has lied, manipulated, emotionally abused me, and turns things around so I feel it's my fault. I can't stand it. I have threw him out of my house several times only to take him back because of his good side. What is wrong with me? This week I found him in another lie, and I can't stand liars, and I just went over his son's house and dumped the things he had at my house onto the son's lawn. His son is very angry, but I don't care. He is an enabler. It is going to hurt for a long time getting over him, but I have to for my own sake. I get so upset over him when we argue (over alcohol/drugs), that I can't even think straight. I can't believe I got myself into this.
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I am 24 and my long term alcoholic boyfriend was put in jail for pulic intox and domestic violence. I love him so much and want to stay with him but I can't do this to myself anymore. I have gone through so much hurt and anguish since I have been with him and I keep going back. I know that I can't be with him anymore but it is so hard. I love him so much but I have to be strong for my own life. I can't get put in the hospital because he gets drunk.
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I'm going through this right now. I've been with my boyfriend for over two and a half years and he can be very sweet except when he drinks hard alcohol which has become a daily habit - Gin and the past few nights he gets mean after 11 p.m. and if I try to go to bed at 9 or 10 when I would normally go to sleep on a work night he gets mad at me and makes a huge deal out of me going to bed "early" and tries to make me feel like I'm being rational. 

I've never sought help before. Can anyone recommend a good support group online for victims of emotional and verbal abuse from significant others and their drinking abuse? 


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I'm in the same position, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He has been in and out of detox 5 times and rehab once. I just last night busted him drinking again. The only difference is he isn't a mean drunk. He drinks till he can't function. The one time I took him to the hospital his blood alcohol was .454 and he was still talking and stumbling. The last time he went to detox they wouldn't even accept him I had to take him to the hospital because his blood pressure was 60/30. He spent 5 days in the hospital because his kidneys had shutdown. They told him not to drink or it would kill him and he's right back at it. I told him if he goes to detox or rehab again I will not be here when he gets out. I love him dearly but can't watch him kill himself.
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I feel for you and I know your pain. I too have lived it. I just recently ended a relationship with an alcoholic. We were together for over 10 years...and lived together for 8 years.
I have learned that alcoholics live with a tremendous amount of fear...especially of responsibility. They can't commit...not really to anything. This fear of responsibility causes them to blame everything on someone else, usually you. They can't make decisions...my partner (we'll call him Bob) was so afraid of commitment...he couldn't even answer a yes or no question. Think about it...you have to commit to yes...or to no. He would always say...I don't know.
I have also learned that alcoholics have a personality disorder...usually narcissistic personality disorder...read about it. It will help you understand your former partner and will answer some questions for you. 
They are not capable of understanding the pain they have caused you. When you are co-dependent, you think that if only you can get them to understand, to realize what they are doing to you and the relationship...then they will change, they will stop. But that doesn't work, because to a narcissist...they don't have anything wrong with them...you are the problem. BUT they will use any and all means to keep you. They will cry and make promises...because only through you are their emotional needs fed. They have no concern of what it is doing to you. You will also see a lot of projecting....when you try to explain what their behavior is doing to you, the pain you feel...they say for instance...everything has to always be about you! You are the one who needs help or a shrink!

to say the least....it is a TOXIC relationship. RUN...run as fast as you can. You have been annihilated before you even know it.
It's sad, but they can't see, or don't want to see...or just don't care about anyone else's needs but their own. I got tired of trying to figure it out. The one thing I would say to anyone else in the same situation...don't threaten, don't say you will leave and then stay or leave and return. It just gives them more power and you less. If you say you will leave...then do and NEVER go back. I left many times and went back...the drinking continued daily for 6 years...while I worked and he stayed home and drank. Bob always had a reason to drink, he was depressed, it was a holiday, it was the weekend, it was football season, he was happy and wanted to celebrate, he was angry...I heard a lot that it was my fault he drank...that I was the reason. How sick is that?

I would always hear how bad things were for him when I had left. He was so hurt and upset...how he couldn't function, couldn't stop crying....that he could die and no one would care...he was all alone in the world. Yeah....he drove everyone else away.
I got tired of saying...get some help...there are many places that you can get free counseling. He never went. He thinks that by only drinking 5 drinks a week now that he is in total control....wonder how long that will last....?
Think about this...when someone tells you how much they love you and that you mean everything in the world to them...BUT they don't treat you like you mean anything...how are you supposed to believe them. Their words have no validity...they are nothing but empty meaningless words to get them what they want. I lost all respect for Bob...and I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him...and I certainly don't believe anything he says.
I have nothing more to give him...he has taken all he's going to get. I still love him in some way...certainly not like I used to. I care what happens to him. I wish things had worked out like I believed they would...in my fantasy...that's all it was. Reality finally kicked in! 

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Thank you so much for this post!You have no idea how much this helped me.I feel so exhausted by the lies and empty promises.My soon to be x is in rehab right now.He gets home Saturday.I just quit calling him.This post helps me to see how destructive this relationship is.He to keeps telling me how much he loves me and wants it to work out. He is always broke asking everyone for money.I have never been with this type of guy before.Something in me thinks I don't deserve better.
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I have just ended a 14 month long relationship with a functioning alcoholic and within a few days he had another woman in tow. I'm 48 years old and this guy was younger than me, not that that was a problem, his drinking was. He used to drink a full bottle of scotch every night , sometimes more if he could get it, I threw him out I don't know how many times during the 14 months but always took him back, even after having to call the police on one occasion. I, like most of the other posters here, was subjected to the verbal and emotional abuse and towards the end of the relationship the threats of physical violence. This, I think was the "straw that broke the camels back". I wasn't going to wait around to be seriously injured or worse. He used to sit up till 3 and 4am drinking (he didn't start worK till the middle of the day) and even if I went to bed to try and get away from him, he would come in and out of the bedroom, either being a general  nuisance, talking s... Or being abusive or threatening towards me. He would start drinking the moment he got home from work (7pm) and continue until the early hours, to the point he could barely walk or talk, dribbling into his food, falling over things and generally disturbing everyone in the house. Weekends it was nothing for him to start drinking at 9am. I finally found the strength to get rid of him for the last time, I put his clothes etc outside and messaged him to come and get them while I was at work, which he did. I have no regrets about ending it, I had to for my own sanity, health and well being. I begged and pleaded with him to get help, offering to support him if  he decided to seek professional help., all to no avail. I even told him when I split up with him that if he ever decided to turn his life around, come see me, but instead he picked up  with the first woman he could find. That's the only thing that hurt me, to think that I went to hell and back for  him, always forgave him and took him back after he did and said awful things to me and it's just as though it meant nothing to him.. I have needed some counselling to get over the pain of that, but am on my way  up now, and I will never ever take his sorry ass back. I'm also doing better financially cause I was supporting him and running the house with very little help from him, I feel used. My advice to anyone  who finds  them self in a relationship with an alcoholic is to get out and get out now, it will just get worse if they dont want to get help and you will end up so far  down that it's very difficult to get up. Not only do you have to put up with the actual drinking, , alcoholics are so self absorbed they have no idea how to have a relationship, it's all one sided with the partner of the alcoholic doing all the giving.

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I hear you. My ex lite my stuff on fire, let me down so much constantly, always accuse me of cheating on him, Verbally abuse me mentally abused me never told me he loves me. We were together for years and I know deep down the real him was the man I love. He went to rehab once.It failed he burt my stuff on fire and went on a bender...Probably cheat it too. He went back to rehab for a month and is been out fot two months. He never called me to apologize or say he was even going to rehab. I put so much in and gave so much and he just disappeared. I know it's best for me and I should be happy I dodged a bullet but I'm sad everyday and miss him.
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This is my life...thanks...I don't feel as alone now...i cry everyday because of all the horrible things he put me through and yet I'm the bad guy
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I thought I was damaged past ever caring I was tortured basically mentally and all I wanted was his love I give everything to him and it is best as I could all the time only to be let down months have passed since you go to rehab the second time he is not apologize for bringing my stuff for all the pain his actions made I haven't heard from him that I have
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