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Hello everyone! My name is Lady and I am a 23 year old confused individual that is in need of help. The biggest problem that I'm experiencing in my life right now is my sexuality. For the past 3 (almost going on 4) years, I have been so confused, scared, and so mentally exhausted over trying to determine what my sexual orientation is that I'm ready to have a breakdown and just call it quits (meaning just being alone for the rest of my life). I know that it maybe common for some people to continue questioning who they are throughout their lives, but I just don't want to do this anymore. I apologize in advance for this long post, but maybe "putting everything out on the table" will help.

So how did all the questioning started? Well, I started questioning my sexuality when I was about 20-21 years old. I had a dream one night that I was being intimate with another woman, but I couldn't see a face or anything, so I guess you could call it one of those weird "faceless sex dreams". I woke up being turned on by it, but in all honesty, I was more concerned on why I was having these type of dreams because I never did anything with a woman before. To note, I had these dreams before, but I was never curious about them because I didn't think it was anything to be worried about. I researched online to places like Yahoo answers, and any forum I came across to see if this was some kind of sign and while some people said to just ignore it, others claimed that it was a sign that a person is a lesbian. This is where I started to freak out because I was always taught that dreams were meant to be a release from one's mind. But, I kept researching and researching, and each time I got a mixed bag of answers ("no, it doesn't mean anything", and "yes it does"). If I remember correctly, it was also the same day where I decided to look into the topic (lesbian sex) also out of simple curiosity (just to see what it was like, I guess I could say). I knew about homosexuality because I have friends who are gay, so it was just mainly about the sex itself that made me curious. I watched a couple of Youtube videos (mainly of girls kissing) and I saw an article that had some "nudity" that I wasn't expecting, both of which had turned me on. I had that tingly feeling (arousal?) "down there"; and the whole feeling felt like it was something that I wanted, but after I turned the video off, I remember feeling horrible like I had done something wrong. I started to  regret looking at the stuff I saw that day and I did everything I could to forget it.

Ever since then, I have been panicking of whether I lost my attraction to men. Do I still have the occassional crushes every now and then? Of course. Just recently I had a crush on a man, and as creepy as this is about to sound, I started to think about what life would be like with him. I did have a dirty thought about him, but I was turned on by it and it made me happy. But, anywho.. this whole questioning/obsessing over my sexuality has gotten to me so much that I had signed up on forums asking for advice, looked for any stories related to mine 24/7, and tested myself many times by looking at pictures/porn movies, gifs, whatever over the internet. So yeah, my internet life is a bit of a mess at the moment x( . One minute I feel like fine and I can think of dating a boy with no problems, and the next I'm back on the internet looking for help.

What's my past been like? Well, I never had a boyfriend before, but I've always had on crushes on men from middle school-onwards. In high school especially, if I ever saw a cute guy in the hallway or in the classroom, I would just stare at him (like "wow! he's cute"), and I would think about what it would be like to date him, and wonder if they had a girlfriend (I know... super creepy). Most of the time, they did have a girlfriend to which I would found myself to be bummed about it, but I would move on. I did want to date boys in high school and have that high school sweetheart to take to prom, walk to class, etc.. But, whenever I HAD the opportunity to enter into a relationship, for some reason I never took it. The situation was more like "hey, he's cute. I wish I could date him", to getting asked out, having cold feet and saying no, if that makes any sense. I was particularly shy (and a terrible flirt) towards the opposite sex and as a teenager, I didn't know how to properly get into and maintain a romantic relationship , so it wasn't until afterwards that I decided to just be a kid, graduate from high school, and get into college. Out of everyone in my class, I think I was one of the few who didn't date anyone while they were in school. To be honest, I'm not really bothered by it because I always had the attitude that the "right person would come along eventually", but there were sometimes where I wished that time came for me, that I had a boyfriend, so I could be like everyone else and not be alone when it came to school functions or holidays. As far as "daydreams" go, I would always daydream about men; what it would be like to graduate with a boyfriend, get married, having a boy walk me to class, spending time with each other, etc.. I would even imagine dating fictional characters as weird as it sounds. I think the only reason why I imagined dating fictional characters was because it kept me from feeling totally alone. I would fangirl over them, etc. just like any girl would. Although, I was alone, the crushes I had on fictional characters, real people, and actors were nice feelings.

In regards to females, I honestly never had a crush on a girl before. When I was in middle/high school and in college (probably should say now), I did think some were pretty (like supermodel pretty), but never once did I think that I was attracted to them. No arousal either. I did want to be their friend though, or wish I looked like them but that was as far as I wanted to go. As a student, I was in a lot of physical activities, so when we would change into our locker rooms, I never had that wanting to look at a girl. All I wanted to do was get dressed, and get out basically. If I had to because someone wanted to talk to me, I wouldn't be bothered by it. I never found myself sexually aroused or anything. It was pretty much the same with female celebrities. I always thought actresses like Kate Beckinsale were pretty, and beautiful but never did I believe that I was sexually attracted to her. Before all these confusion started, I was never uncomfortable with women before and I always thought of them as good friends, but now since I've had this obsession over my sexuality, I feel like I am. Whenever I see a pretty girl on T.V. or whenever I go out sometimes, I always get that "uh-oh", and more of like that =/ feeling, I guess now. Like I'm afraid a sexual thought will pop up in my mind at that moment.

As for arousal, I tested myself yesterday again. When I looked at lesbian images, at first I don't want to look at it, but when I told myself that I needed to confront this problem, I started looking and I got warm down there. Although a few thoughts popped into my mind, I honestly didn't feel happy. But, when I looked at men/women, I don't have problems looking at it, and I got the same warm with more of a pulsing feeling this time. Anytime I watch and look at men/women material and I get aroused, I feel happy.

I don't feel happy when I picture myself with a woman, and when it comes to sex. Not to be offensive or anything, but it feels like I got robbed out of something. When I think about dating a girl, the same moment, I ask myself; "what about a man? Men were always on my radar, so why am I even thinking about this?". Although, I may be turned on by lesbian pornography, I don't think I could go through with doing it with a woman. And as far as relationships go, I have tried picturing myself with a woman a couple of times (getting hit on, shopping, spending time, etc.) , but the feelings I got from it were more like this: " =/ ok whatever". I didn't feel happy towards the idea or excited about it at all. Sometimes I feel even awkward.  I feel a little bit better picturing myself doing things with a man instead. I really don't know what to do anymore because ever since that day it just seems like my life has completely changed. And it's starting to become more uncomfortable going outside and surrounding myself with others. When I come across women, sometimes I have that "uh-oh" feeling, but it is sometimes accompanied with thoughts saying that certain people are attractive and it feels....weird. I find myself mentally fighting back and forth about my orientation constantly and even though I've told myself many times that I still like men; I feel like my mind is making me doubt myself no matter what evidence I come up with. If I go out and find a cute guy, I'm always questioning myself like "do I REALLY like him or am I just trying to force myself to like him?" It sucks!!!

It's gotten to a point where I have relied on many people for advice. Some people have told me that my curiousity didn't change my orientation and while I felt relieved and happy at that point, this problem still won't go away. Like I'm in fear that it did. After some encouragement from a few friends, I did try to start a relationship with one guy that I met online a few months ago. He's really attractive and made me smile when he used to reply to my postings and emails, but after a while I found out that he'd rather be alone. I was a bit crushed to be honest because I thought we shared the same feelings towards each other, but his reasoning on why he doesn't believe in romantic relationships was understandable. I met another guy and after a while of talking, he had the same effect as the first, but as I stated earlier this time I had a sexual thought about him to which I got turned on by. To be honest, I felt relieved.

What do I do? Did my curiosity change my sexuality? Am I gay or a bisexual? I can accept that I'm not 100% straight, but I would rather date and marry a man someday when I have my life together. I'm more comfortable with the idea. But, I don't want to hurt anyone either. I just don't understand why this is still happening because when I was in middle/high school; I never showed any interest towards women in any way and that's usually around the time people are suppose to find themselves. I've tried being opened minded about this, but I'm just afraid that my sexuality is changing. Honest answers please. Any help would be appreciated!!

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This is a touchy subject, and can be highly controversial. So consider not making a decision on what countless others think versus what you think & feel. I'm not sure anyone in a online forum can tell you what your sexual orientation is specifically, just by stories that seem to involve curiosity and imagination; coupled with fantasy. At the end of the day we are mammals, animals that are highly civilized, but still have wild & sometimes primitive considerations racing through our minds. It sounds as if you clearly have mixed emotions on the subject, and thats to be expected, especially in your 20's, but if you feel guilty over an action of any kind, perhaps it's not for you, and can be chalked up to fantasy or sexy infatuations. Its just a choice you'll have to decide on through experience, by what feels more right to you personally.  I think if you're a female consider giving a man a chance in a relationship to go beyond lust and try to fall in love with each other, it feels magical.  The truth is Biologically we procreate to prolong and continue to save the human race with female and male copulation, that's the simple science of it. As a take away, I'd say your best answer will be found in time, with experience, good advice, peace, and a guiltless mind. Best of wishes in your discovery! 

Resectfully... 

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Based on everything I've read it sounds like you are straight, but just curious. There is no shame in wondering what's out there. It's not unusual to explore your sexuality, especially at your age, nor is it unusual for you or anyone else to notice attractive people of the same sex or opposite sex. You are obviously attracted to men, fantasize about them and get aroused by them. I say stop worrying so much about your sexual orientation and just enjoy life and let the dating come to you in its own time... No matter who it is.
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Thank you :) . I'll be honest though, when I think about trying to relax about this, I still have the fear like "what if I see a woman and another thought pops into my head again?". And I don't know why. I just recently went to an event out of town, and I had no problems saying hi to people, hugging friends who were girls, etc. But, when I'm at home (most of the time), it's like constant chaos. Ugh! I just wish this would go away. Just out of curiousity, I know sexuality is suppose to be fluid and all, but for someone like me, is it true that a person can go from being straight to gay? :/ I think that my biggest fear in life is that I'll enjoy the company of men one day, and a few years down the road, even though I don't want it to, it'll shift to women. I read about it one time, and while some said it may be true, others didn't think so.

@Colorado: Thank you so much. :)
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It's kind of a random post, but I meant to add this to my original posting in the beginning. I have been to known to worry about a lot of things. But, in addition to my past history, while I didn't (or should say haven't) date anyone at the time, I was sometimes jealous of my sister who did date because she had some people who were really nice to her over the years (brought her flowers, took her out to eat, was always there for her, etc.). She even had one who wanted to marry her to which I was jealous, even though it was wrong for me to, because I wanted to be the first to get married.

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i am going to be mad i am still confused need some help
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Sex is Great so is Experimenting Men Women Threesomes Its all good love, try it you will either like it or not if you do, keep on doing it..
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