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I'm new to this but am in a quondry. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 4 of those. Throughout our time together we have always agreed that we did not want children, however i recently discovered that i am approx 8 weeks pregnant. I am totally tor about what to do as my husband said that he is still adamant that he never wants children and his feelings are set i stone. He said that if i want to go ahead it will be on my own, but he will be there to hold my hand if i have a termination. I don't know what to do, i know i've always said i never wanted children but now i know that it is already there i'm really struggling with the thought of terminating it but also the thought that i might lose my husband if i go ahead. I'm devastated. The thought that i will have regrets either way is making it far worse. I'm swinging from one thought to the other.

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Hi there,
I was reading your post, and thinking. Have you researched abortion at this point in your pregnancy, and the development of the baby? I would research EVERYTHING before you make a decision. It is crucial because a human life is at stake.
Forgive me for saying, but it sounds rather ridiculous that he would tell you, that you have to do this on your own. He made marriage vows that arent to be taken lightly, and the vows DONT say "I will stay married to you 'TILL YOU GET PREGNANT'. Your marriage vows are VERY crucial.
I think it is SOO very ugly for someone to tell you that.
We are all accountable for the decisions that we make, and that includes your husband. He had part in making this child, and he needs to be responsible.
Give this a chance. You have more chances of winning the lottery than to actually conceive. This is a gift to you....a precious gift.

Blessings,
Hizgrace
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Hi Hizgrace

Many thanks for your reply and kind words. I have at this stage checked out all my options and the stage i am at etc, i have booked a consultation for a termination for 2nd March, so maybe i will find out more then and be able to make a more informative decision when i have the bare facts in front of me.

I came off the injection contraceptive in September as i have been on it for some time and it was advice to give my body a break, however 3 professionals on 3 seperate occassions all told me that it would take 12 months for my cycle to get back to normal, so we thought we were safe.

I am trying to stay practical and not let my emotions take over too much, i'm trying to think of all the logical things like the fact that we are no where near in a financial position to support a baby (either together or apart - BIG DEBTS!), my career is only just starting to take off, i have exams and a diploma to sit this year. I know they say there is never a right time to have a baby but i would like to think that i would at least be set in my career and be if not debt free then at least have minimum debts if and when i should ever decide to plan a pregnancy.

I've also been thinking that should i go ahead with the termination what if i end up resenting my husband, i am hoping that this won't happen however i am prepared for the fact that it could and have thought that should we go our seperate ways anway at least a baby would not be stuck or caught up in the middle of it all, we could walk away with no ties.

I feel i am preparing myself for all the eventualities, it is not making my decision any easier but i keep telling myself that a baby should be wanted by both parents, i couldn't bear the thought of having to tell my child that its own father did not want it.

In one respect, although my husband's feeligs come across rather harsh i do understand and am grateful that he is being honest with me because i'd rather that than him letting me go ahead with the pregnancy and then doing a runner and not seeing him for dust when the baby is born.

It still might be the case that i change my mind when i get to the clinic, but at this present time i am in the mind that it is not the right time for this little one and i'm so very sorry that this happened.

Once again thanks for your support it's good to know that people take the time to listen.
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N.B.
You are SOOOOO very welcome.
I just wanted to add something, if you would. I see that you are trying to be "mature" about looking at the "possilbe rough sides" and the possible "super bad things" that can happen.
This little one is a blessing to you. He/She is a gift. This is IN NO WAY a bad thing.
Babies are so very precious, and they dont expect you to be perfect.
Please understand that I am IN NO WAY judging you. I am concerned that this will effect you much deeper than you might understand.
I have spoked/counseled with many young women whom are torn by this "choice". Before you are positive, I would encourage you to TRULY look at the positives.
I have 2 precious little ones, and they are SUCH a huge blessing and gift. Please believe me when I say that. With due respect to you... God has given you this as a BLESSING.......He knows what your debts, etc are and your "roadblocks & brick walls" so to speak, and He still wants you to trust Him.
I make no judgement on others in this aspect, I WAS once pro choice, but not now. God bless you sweetie, please take the time to consider, ok? God is bigger than ANY circumstances that you might feel "trapped" in !!!!!

Blessings to you sweetie,
Hizgrace
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Hi Hizgrace

Once again thank you for such wise words. I do still have more time to think about things seeing as my consultation appointment is not until the 2nd March, so another week or so away yet. I have known for a week now and every day i have thought differently, there are no signs of my husband changing his mind. We have talked long and hard about our feelings which i suppose is a positive sign even though some of which has not been nice to hear. There have been no arguments about it just long discussions. We are also trying to talk about other 'normal' stuff aswell so that we are not just talking about this all of the time.

At this present time i am still in the mind that i will go ahead with the terminaton but like i said that doesn't mean to say my feelings are changing all the time. I'm struggling to differentiate between my head, my heart, feelings, emotions and hormones! The 2 hardest things that are making this decision more difficult is that 1. whatver decision i make i know i will have to live with regrets and 2. the stage of pregnancy, i know by now that it will have formed rather a lot, if i had found out a few weeks earlier i'm thinking that maybe the decision might not have been SO difficult.

Thank you for not judging me, i know this kind of conversation can create big ugly debates which is something i can do without right now.
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Hi N.B

I came across this thread by chance as I googled "married but don't want this pregnancy". I too was in your situation almost nine months ago, and although no two situations are exactly the same, I wanted to share with you my story... My husband and I went for the consultation to terminate the pregnancy and I cried the entire way home. Seeing all those baby pictures around left me thinking that maybe this was "meant to be". So, I decided to continue with the pregnancy and am due the end of March. However, I still cry a lot thinking that I made the wrong choice, and yes I feel so very guilty for my thoughts but I kept the baby for his/her sake, and now I can only hope that I can one day be completely happy with my choice. My point is that you have to do what's best for you because once you've reached this point you will be left with some sort of heart-ache no matter what decision you make.

I just wanted to let you know that I truly feel for you and wish you all the best with whatever you choose.
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Get a 3D ultra sound. Once you see how developed the baby is at this stage you will change your mind. I got a 3d ultra sound at 6 weeks. My daughter already had little hands and little feet and a head. She was not just a spec or a peanut anymore. She was a baby. She moved on her own. If your husband is that selfish maybe you'd be better off on your own.
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Hi all

Thanks for sharing your story and your thoughts. It's comforting to hear i am not on my own with regards to the situation i am in. I am not looking forward to having the ultrasound because if anything is going to change my mind it will be this.

Thanks again.
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Hi Again N.B.
Oh and Guest also......I promise you both will be SOOOOO blessed by your babies. What a thought of what they will grow up to be. You have NO idea how very much they will bless you and bring you joy !!! I am praying for you both !!! Please let me know what is going on, ok?

Hizgrace
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Hi Guest

Just re-reading your post, may i ask if your husband is standing by your decision to go ahead now or has he walked away?

N.B
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What did you decide to do, NB?

It all depends on what YOU WANT - your husband is seriously a jerk and someone that you should leave if he basically told you "if you keep the kid, I'm done with our marriage." That means he had no respect for you and isn't willing to stick around for better OR FOR WORSE.

Honestly, he sounds like a real creeper and I would get rid of him as soon as possible unless you get some serious counseling about his willingness to abandon you at the first sign of trouble.

You sound like a good woman, like you would be a good mother ... don't let this jerk manipulate you into making a decision you don't want to make!
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NB - I have to share with you my story. I hope it makes a difference.

About 10 years ago I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. My husband, at that time, made it clear he didn't want kids - ever. But he would "support" me in whatever decision I made. I didn't want to lose him, so I chose to terminate.

It was so excruciatingly painful. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

I never got over it. We eventually divorced about 3 years later. To this day, I grieve for the child I aborted. It kills me inside on a level that only people who have the same experience would understand.

3 years ago I remarried and we quickly became pregnant (intentionally). Now that I am a mother, it only magnifies the pain and guilt I feel over the abortion I had a decade ago.

The pain will never leave you. If you continue the pregnancy and have the child, just KNOW that you would NEVER regret that baby, even if your husband leaves you. I can tell you with 100% certainty that the love a mother has for her child, whether wanted or not, is a thousand times stronger than a love that can be shared with anyone else. You think you love your husband? You don't know love until you have a baby. Honestly.

Children are true blessings. Don't let the selfishness of a man interfere with this gift that has been given to you. This gift that is lifelong. It is a tie that will ALWAYS bind, a love that will never end. It is the most awesome and wonderful existence in life.

Also, a baby at 6 weeks has a heartbeat, a brain and has feelings. I did not know this during my first pregnancy. I thought I was just terminating a mass of cells - a blob, if you will. Nope. It's a BABY, that moves, that feels, everything. God what I would do to turn back time.

Good luck to you, NB. May peace be with you.
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Wow, i can't believe you were in the same situation as i am now, it's so moving to hear your story and i'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I hear your words and all the thoughts i have received on here since my original post, it is really helping with my feelings and my decision.

I am trying to prepare myself for every enventuality including the fact of the possibility that me and my husband may in time go our seperate ways if our marriage cannot survive this much emotional turmoil.

Many thanks for all your kind words on here. I'll be sure to let you know the outcome of my decision and the path i will be chosing to lead in time.
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NB

I don't know what to say to you right now

I've never been in the situation where I had to choose to abort or not to abort.

You know, I've always thought that under the right circumstances (rape, incest) abortion can be a powerful tool in saving women and their families from immense heartbreak but I don't quite know how I feel about it when it comes to saving a marriage.

Is your love really that strong if your husband admits he will leave you if you go through with your pregnancy? It took two to have that child but you're the one who matters right now.

Could you live with yourself if you went ahead with the having the child and losing your husband? Could you live with yourself if your had an abortion? Would you look at new born children from there on after and break down into tears with regret? You'll only know after you make a decision.

If it were me, I'd prefer to have a child's unconditional love over the fickle feelings of my husband any day. (And yes, I actually am married and if he told me what your husband told you, he would never see me again)

There are so many women in the world that long to have children and are either unable to or not in a relationship where it's possible. Have you considered putting the baby up for adoption?

All religion and politics aside, the decision is yours and yours alone... you have to do what you feel is right.

If you want my opinion: Go through with it, what have you got to lose?

Be strong and take care of yourself.
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Hi Guest

Thank you for your reply. You seem to know exactly the kind of questions i have been agonising over the past couple of weeks whilst waiting for my consultation appointment.

I went for my consultation today and it turns out that i am not as far gone as i thought, i am only 5 - 6 weeks. This has had more of an impact on my decision in that it has made it a little easier (for want of a better word). It was the fact that it was further gone that i now know i am that was really pulling on my heart strings before. My head was trying to stay practical in that i would lose my marriage which i value so much, i am in the middle of getting my diploma with lots of exams coming up, finances, i always said i didn't want children etc etc, but my heart was saying it has this and it has that by now. Now i know that it isn't as formed as i thought it was i know deep down it is the right decision for me. That isn't to say that going through with the operation will make it any less harder and certainly a lot of work will have to be done on our marriage to get us through this. One thing that particularly sticks out is that i will NEVER go through this again with anyone so to avoid any kind of possible accident we have discussed my husband having a vasectomy because his feelings are obviously set in stone and i am not prepared to take any chances with contraception now, so it is up to him to do something about it.

This will certainly make me stronger and harder as a person, whether that is a good thing or a bad thing i don't know just yet, and i can't say whether it will make our marriage stronger but what i can say is i intended for this to never happen again but if it did i will not be making the same decision. Going through it once is more than enough for anyone.

Thanks again everyone for all your thoughts and opinions it has really helped having people who will listen.x
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