Hi. I'm a 20 year old female, still in college. My parents don't know about the stuff I'm about to state here; only some of my friends do.

 

Ever since I was small, I kept having nightmares about: (a) me killing someone (family, friends, strangers); (b) me being killed (by people I know or by strangers); (c) people getting killed; and (d) me killing myself. Some occur for just one night, but some dreams tend to repeat for nights, would be sequential (like it has a storyline).

 

Whenever I feel enraged, I often think of killing that person and/or torturing that person. When this happens, my hands feel tingly, like it actually wants to do it. I've had some cases when I was young that I wasn't able to control this kind of behavior, and that led to breaking my cousin's arm, often engaging in a fight with schoolmates, choking people. Even with my parents, I've had countless thoughts of how to kill them. They're good guys, but these thoughts just pop into my head whenever we enter a heated argument.

 

I also feel short-tempered often times.

 

Another case I have is being addicted to masturbating. I started back in elementary (way too young). It still goes on, even to this day. I've avoided sex with other people (only did it once with a random guy), because I fear that I might become addicted to it.

 

Most of the time I feel below neutral, like depression and I don't know the reason why. Limited things and people can make me feel elated, but it is often short-lived. 

 

I talk to myself too.

 

And then often when I get bad thoughts, I feel too paranoid that there's someone around me that's able to read minds and that he knows what I thought. Especially when a person makes eye contact with me during those moments, I fear that they're getting into my head.

 

When I get overly-depressed, I try to hurt myself, think of killing myself, think of killing others.

 

Sometimes I feel tough, like nothing can dampen my spirits. Other times, I cry because of small things.

 

All I know is that I often feel confused. And these kinds of emotional instability is slowly affecting my life - my relationship with my parents, with other people, with myself, with my studies.

 

I'm afraid to visit a Psychiatrist yet. I'd love to hear from others first before I do.

 

Please help, or share your thoughts and/or experiences. Thank you.