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I am a single mother of 3 months to 3 children, aged 7, 5 and 2.

I left my husband of 8 1/2 years in Feb this year. The reasons for leaving him, are that I fell out of love with him when I was pregnant with my last child and it has taken me 3 years to actually go through with it. We have had many discussions about how I have felt and been feeling over the last 6 months prior to leaving, and since leaving I am alot happier and I know that I made the right decision to leave him. He is at present sharing custody of the children, we are keeping things as amicable as possible for their sakes, and will be seeking legal advice next month - to have a separation agreement set up.

However, since becoming a single mother I have enjoyed looking after the house and the kids, it can be hard at times but i love the challenge that it brings - I used to work before I had my children and I do miss it - but due to my childhood (i was abused from age 3-16) I find it difficult to trust other adults and so wont return to working until my youngest is in full-time education. The thing is this, I have been back and forth to the Doctor to discuss my situation before and since leaving my husband, and even before leaving my husband I was of the mind that I wanted to move away from here where i live, and leave him to bring the kids up. He is far more calm with them than I am, and I know that everyone says thats cause he is at work all day and so is going to be calm when he sees them etc., but, I feel the time has come or I have reached a point where I have to do what is right for the kids sakes. I do not have very many friends here, to make this picture more clear I was part of a religion and chose myself to remove myself from it, since doing so I am segregated by the remaining members (I am sure if you work it out you would know which religion that is) - and as I live in a very small town it is quite hard to even do shopping and not run into some of them, and they ignore me - which i understand why they do it - but it doesnt make it any easier. I have discussed with my ex husband that if I were to move away would he continue to allow me to visit as often as possible to see the children and not stop me from seeing them, to which (and I trust him) he is more than happy for me to do. We would have this put into a separation agreement to state that he would not deny access to them. He wishes to continue to bring the children up in the faith that we shared and personally I think that it is the right thing for him to do. However, if i was to move away with the children I would not bring them up in that faith, and I know that it would devastate ex husband if I took the children away from here - it would also devastate the kids to be taken away from their friends they have in school and in the neighbourhood.

I have read some posts about mothers leaving their children or as some put it "abandoning" them and some state bi-polar - however I have discussed all this possibilities with the Doctor and the Doctor does not think in anyway that this is something that I have. I even watched a recent tv programme about mothers who leave their kids to pursue their careers etc., and although I do wish to return to work it is not the reason why I would leave the children to be brought up by their father.

I know the ideal situation that my family would want is for me to get back with my exhusband but that is something that will never happen - as it has taken me so long to actually leave him I have no doubts i made the right decision there. I also know that when I do leave the children with their dad and move away I know it is going to hurt me to a degree I do love my children, but I know that they would be better with their father. I have considered their father moving back into the house and I move out and get a job - but I would find that too hard to do living here and I think the clean break and fresh start elsewhere is what I need to do. I am not getting any younger I am 36 years of age, and I know some think this is a mid-life crises I am having, but the fact its something I have considered for over 2 years makes me believe that it is not.

Anyway tried to put as much info into this as I can. I plan to move away in July this year. Husband will move back into the house to bring up the children, and I shall visit them as often as possible. I do plan to move as far away from here as possible - i need the fresh start, new people etc., I am not looking for people to criticise me I know that thats going to be something that people will automatically want to do - i just am looking to see if anyone can relate to me at all. You always hear about dads leaving their families cause they cant handle it etc., and it seems to be accepted, but when a woman does it its like its the worst thing in the world and that she must be mental. But like i said the Doctor has tested me for depression and I am not in anyway depressed or suffering from bipolar. THanks for reading.

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First of all I would like to say srry for your situation hun. I don't have any thing I can really relate to you more than I can your children. I'm going to open up to you on here and hope that you take this to heart ok. I'm no clown on here and I am very respected and respectful on this website. I am 17 years old, I am married almost 2 years, I have a 14 month old son. And my mother left me when I 2 years old and my sister was 19 months. She had her reasons for leaving she said. We saw our mom every other weeknd. My mother and I are great friends now but it took a long time for this moment. As I was growing up I lived with my dad and suffered through purety hell with him. Because I was the oldest I was the new MOMMY!!! I cooked, I cleaned, bathed my sister. As more years went on my dad met a women that was 10 years older than me. I was 8 and she was 18 he was almost 30. They got married had a kid. My little sister Daisy she is my world. Well me and the new mom became very fond oof one another, because evrytime I saw my mom we argued we didn't agree on anything bc she didn't know me anymore. She didn't know what I liked anything we faught everytime we were around each other. Well then my stepmother left she took my baby sister and left. My dad got custody of Daisy but I was her new mommy or atleast she thought I was, she called me mommy all the time. She is now 7 and still calls me mom on some occasions. My dad would beat me if I wanted to go out with friends or if I didn't have stuff cleaned the way he wanted before he got home from work. It was awful. My mom doesn't regret leaving my father as of you don't regret your decision. But she does regret missing out on so many things in our lives. So what I'm trying to say is stay with your kids they will appreciate it in the long run. And you will never regret it. I personally could never do it. To my son and future children. Stay near your kids for there sake. Amothers perfect and most precious gift are her children after all!!!!!
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Dear Teenmom - wow what can i say it seems you have had to do alot of growing up before your time. However, the thing is my childrens father has the children at weekends, and although he isnt dealing with the school runs, homework, arguing at bedtime etc., when he was here he did all that for me anyway - i took over the roles when we split up. He is a very very good father never and i mean has never ever hit the children when they are naughty he has an overwhelming calm personality, and I know that the children would be better off with him than with me. I do see where you are coming from i.e.,when the kids get older they wont look to me for advice because its inevitable if I leave that they may look at it as some form of abandonment, but their father is 100% going to do all he can to maintain some form of contact for me with the children. I do think it is the right thing to do for all parties considered. I wish you well in your future. Thanks again
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Sorry for butting in honey, but I wanted to add my two cents to this! I am a mother of 2 boys - 17 and 14 - and also a few years ago we were going to adopt a "distrubed" boy from the same culture of what you are speaking about! I have had several friends that have been in the same postion as yourself - ostrisized, not talked too etc - and actually returned to the religion and HAD to follow the rules strictly to be allowed back in! All I can say is the DAMAGE that is done to these peoples souls and essence is a crime! And the boy we had in our home struggled SO much because of his "devout - yet EXTREMELY abusive mother and step father" ! And I can guarantee you that this religion has a HUGE strong hold over it's members and since you have already been "kicked out" of the nest, I GUARANTEE you that over time - no matter how nice your husband is now - it WILL come to a time that he will HAVE to choose between the religion and your feelings! And have a guess what that will be! I think the basis of this religion is keeping everyone away from others and to me IS a cult! IF you do this and later on your children rebel and want to be with you, they TOO will be kicked out! And THAT can have the same afects on them that happened with the boy we took in! And let me tell you, I wouldn't wish this on ANY family!

You are beaten up right now and tired, BUT giving him total control and custody - thus giving the relgion total control and custody - you wont have a hope in Hedes to EVER get the children back and even int he future NOT see them at all! IT is a VERY powerful "society" and have their own set of lawyers etc, and I guarantee you, you will NOT have a leg to stand on!

I GET your feelings honey I do! And Your husband could be the nicest man on the planet - but his insistence of the children still being raised in a backwards and questionable religion is in itself proof that he will ALWAYS put the religion ahead of his children! And DEMAND that they attend! Believe me he and the church will NOT allow your children to make choices that are condusive to their beliefs!

You need help honey, you need to be able to reach into your own strength - which you have a HUGE amount (due to you leaving a loveless marriage) so find yourself again, and keep those babies close and DONT give up custody! This will be a decision that you will NEVER be able to reverse! Asking your ex for help is one thing - being ostrisized and childless is another! I know I don't know your husband BUT I do Know religion and the powers that run it! And you wont stand a chance against them honey!

So if you EVER need a shoulder to cry on or some advice, someone to talk to - that HAS gone through VERY similar situations, then just talk away to me OK? PLEASE take some time out and REALLY think about this! NOTHING can replace a good mothers love NOTHING! Big hugs and sending you ALL the strength in the world!
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Hi Bambi27 - thank you very much for your reply to my post - If i am honest - this is the second time that i have been "removed" shall we say from the "society" - however, this time I actually did it myself, because I unlike others cannot live a hypocritical life, and am too much of a free spirit to conform to their "guidelines" shall we say. So although I hear what you are saying I know from my own personal experience that this is not something that I would need to worry about. After all with a legal document in the eyes of our Queens Law - nothing and no one can stand in the way of me having access to my children regardless of laws. Yes I do think that some of their rules are off the scale, but I respect the religion, just as much as I respect everyone else's religions.

Anyway my post was not to do with the religion, it is to do with me moving away to start a new life and leaving my children with their father who can provide a much better upbringing for them than what I know I can do. I have tried for the last 3 months to be a single mother and I know now that this is not what I want out of my life. Like i said in my original post I am not getting any younger and although I do love my children, I know that the best thing for their lives is for them to be with their father and their friends and their aunts and uncles, cousins around them and for me to move away and start a fresh - to be honest where I plan to move to I have alot more friends there and also some relatives, so its not like I am putting myself into a very isolated situation. Modern technology being as it is nowadays I know that I will be able to "see" my children as often as possible, and will be able to get home to visit at least once a month or once every two months. THe more i sleep on it and think about it the more I know its the right thing to do.

Anyway thanks for your reply. :-D
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I know this will probably sound harsh. But you made a decision to change your life around after you decided to have 3 kids. And why now all of a sudden do you want to give them up. YOU made the choice to be a mother and hopefully at your age you would know what the motherhood package is. Your kids are your priority no matter what till they are 18 years old. So why would you leave such small children without a full time mother. My husband and I have our arguements but we work things out for the sake of our children and bc we love each other dearly. But if this was to ever happen to me and I was in this situation I would not run to the other side of the world to get away from them. From the way you are saying things and wording them it sounds like you want to escape from your children. I just don't understand it I'm sorry!!!!!! :-D
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Hi - no its not harsh at all what you are saying - i can see why you would say that - its not that I am wanting to get away from the children. The main points are this. I was going to move away with the children, however, where i plan to move to the children would not be able to see their aunts, uncles, friends they have thus far, their dad nor their grandparents. Also I would NOT be bringing them up within the religion that they are accustomed too. However, living in this small town I have found that it is getting harder and harder due to the remaining members of the religion to actually live "my" life with my kids. So the only way I can move forward is if I give them to their father - they stay where they know home is, they have all their friends, they dont have to change schools, they still get to see their grandparents as much as they normally do - and I would visit and stay with my mum once a month and have the children that weekend I come "home". This is something that we would have set up in a legal agreement. Yes it means that they dont have "mum" - but if you were to ask my kids how they feel about living with mum!! I think you'd have your eyes opened that they are actually alot happier when they stay the weekend with their dad!!!

I am glad that you and your husband manage to work round your arguments - to be honest that was something that my ex husband and I never ever did, we never ever argued. If we disagreed on something we would say it and deal with it, but never had shouting, or aggression something that I am very proud of - however, I do not love my husband and cannot continue (which I have done for the last 3 years) within a marriage where its all completely one sided to the point that I cannot bare to stand him touching me never mind looking at me. So staying with exhusband is not an option.
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also further yes i know the children are my priority hence why i am thinking of what is best for them and not me, its not like i wont provide financial support and emotional support for them - they will always know who their mother is and its not also like they wont get to come and visit for holidays etc., I am NOT and must reiterate this NOT abandoning them.
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I am a single mom of 3 daughters aged 19,17 and 15. The two older ones are getting ready to head out on their own. The youngest one is a sophmore in high school. I've finally decided - after years and years of thinking about it - to leave the area. I am sending the youngest to live with her dad. He's remarried, adores her and has a beautiful home for her. He is strict - much more than me - but loves all his girls very much. I tormented myself to the point of not sleeping.....but it came down to this.....when I am happy and content - that happiness and contentment cannot help but overflow to everyone around me. It's true. I've seen it working. You know what is best for yourself and your children. They will follow your lead. You will of course see them. There will always be a stigma for mothers - we will always be held to a higher standard. It's not fair. Daddy's leave and no one bats an eye - mommy's do the same and we are evil and selfish. Do not buy into that rhetoric. Do what you know in your heart you must do and stand by your decision. Your children will be fine as long as you are in contact
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thank you at last someone who has or is doing the same thing - granted you have been with your children longer than i have with mine - but you are right there is a terrible stigma attached to a mother leaving their children and not a father. I am not doing this on a whim it is something that we are considering (i.e., discussing with exhusband) and if I do go ahead it will be another 3 months or so down the line from now. I have to ensure that when I move I am going to be able to support myself and my children financially. Only a fool would move without considering all this first. Anyway thank you for your reply.
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herlist61 wrote:

I am a single mom of 3 daughters aged 19,17 and 15. The two older ones are getting ready to head out on their own. The youngest one is a sophmore in high school. I've finally decided - after years and years of thinking about it - to leave the area. I am sending the youngest to live with her dad. He's remarried, adores her and has a beautiful home for her. He is strict - much more than me - but loves all his girls very much. I tormented myself to the point of not sleeping.....but it came down to this.....when I am happy and content - that happiness and contentment cannot help but overflow to everyone around me. It's true. I've seen it working. You know what is best for yourself and your children. They will follow your lead. You will of course see them. There will always be a stigma for mothers - we will always be held to a higher standard. It's not fair. Daddy's leave and no one bats an eye - mommy's do the same and we are evil and selfish. Do not buy into that rhetoric. Do what you know in your heart you must do and stand by your decision. Your children will be fine as long as you are in contact



Hello Guys,

I will have to disagree with you on this.

Yes people would think you are Abandoning your kids, wiether your a MALE or FEMALE. Either way it is wrong.

To me, as an 18 year old father, I was faced with the choice of leaving my son. If I would had, I would had been in the group, "Sperm Bank." People look down on them no matter what there choice is. I stayed because it was MY child.

I do not understand no matter what the reason you would want to leave your kids. furthermore, you said "I Do" to "For better or For Worse." when you got married.

Now, I am going to say this without....being a jerk...(That is better DarkRed)

To the author, I don't know why you left your Husband or what religion you are in, nor do I care. I think you should do what you think is right, wiether some people think it is wrong, it is not there place to judge, so I can not help you on this except to follow what you think is right, it would be judging to say what I want.

I hope you make what is right, and do not have any regrets about it.

-TeenDad
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It is reassuring to discover someone else contemplating the same thing that I am, although different circumstances. My situation involves my fourteen year old son whom I had with a man I was never married to. Since then I married my husband 6 years ago and we have three more boys ages 5,4, and 1. The biological father of my oldest son is rude and hostile and it has been a nightmare dealing with him all of these years. For many years my husband and I have wanted the freedom to leave this area. Until this year our oldest protested visits with his dad and was looking forward to the day he would be old enough to legally choose not to go. Our son had bonded with his stepfather and chose to call him Dad and take his stepfathers last name. He also closely embraced the religious beliefs we have raised him in (not the same one you had been affiliated with). It was always difficult for him to visit his Dad and one reason why is because his Dad attacked our beliefs and left my son trying to defend it which was very difficult for a child/preteen to do. This past year his Dad has seemed to be able to tear down everything that connects our family. My son no longer refers to my husband as 'Dad', has insisted on changing his legal name to his fathers and has denounced our religion. He has rebelled against our parental authority. Some areas this has been a problem in is music, movies, books demeaning our beliefs, etc. We have tried to set guidelines which he has refused to follow and has had consequences. He chose to live with his Dad which we are not contesting and he has been there for about a month now. He has been visiting us alternating weekends and for the most part it has gone well and he has been respectful. Even with our differences my son and I have a very close and special relationship. Before it would have been difficult to move away (moving our son away from his Dad) but now we have the freedom to. We are in a big city and want to move out to the country for a different lifestyle but we wont see our son much so it is a hard decision.
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Dear One! I have 2 boys - 17 and 14, my 17 year old was recently arressted and we found out that he has been addicted to coccaine and a drink called codeine! He was becoming hostile, coming home stoned etc, so we told him to tget out! Then 2 days later got the fphone call that he was arrested. They asked if we were going to come and get him and we said "NO!" it was a HORRIBLE decision, but we knew he needed help! So the courts put him in a detox centre, then he went to a voluntary detox, and now is in a 3 month rehab!

So I GET wanting to leave, I GET having enough and 1 of your children taking over your ENTIRE life! BUT I have also learned a whole lot more about teenage brains and how they develop and digress! IT starts at 13 and ends about 21! There is even an expression "13 year old brain" it means that all of a sudden - overnight - they look at you and go "HUH?!!!" they can't remember what you said or what they are doing and they start attacking their looks etc. and questioning and pushing ALL the limits! This is what you son is doing - with the help of your ex of course!

Even though there have been MANY times in my time as a mom that I wanted to get on a Greyhound bus and NEVER come back! I knew I couldn't leave my sons behind! No Matter How hard they pushed! It has caused SO much friction between myself and my husband, BUT I am old school when it comes to kids - to a fault actually - I brought up my boys with EVERYthING and ANYthING they wanted! To my demise actually! My husband and I went out together a few weeks ago - ALONE - double dating actually! And we have NO gone out together for 2 years! I don't GET women leaving their kids for business or pleasure - I don't enter contests for trips for two! It is AWFUL but I can't help it! I find the "alone time" increddibley narcissistic! That said there is no difference between my - Helicopter Parenting - and any other type of parenting in the counselling groups I go to! We are ALL different, and are dealing with this differently, BUT yet we ALL ended up with kids PUSHING the ENVELOPE! Doing Drugs, Rebelling loosing faith, attacking loved ones etc. So what is the common denominator? TEENAGE BRAIN!

So I understand you wanting to take care of your family, but he is one too, and if you leave I feel this will have reporcussions that can NEVER be fixed! He WILL come around - as we have seen quite an imporvement in our son already - and he WILL need you again! And you wont be there. So I say hang tight and hang in there! I know there are some who will put religion ahead of their children/family! And the god I believe in doesn't want that! IT is up to you if you NEED to leave to save your family, Or WANT to leave to save face! IF you NEED to leave then you should! IF it is to punish or defend then you stick tight and REALLY look at why the dramatic exit!

I hope I have not come across too hard - we all parent differently - BUT like I stated before - we took in a VERY Damaged boy and I wouldn't wish that on anyone! IF your EX is a angry selfish man, you son WILL be without your support! Does that make sense? Big hugs to you honey! I hope whatever decision you make is right for you and ALL of your children!
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It is reassuring to discover someone else contemplating the same thing that I am, although different circumstances. My situation involves my fourteen year old son whom I had with a man I was never married to. Since then I married my husband 6 years ago and we have three more boys ages 5,4, and 1. The biological father of my oldest son is rude and hostile and it has been a nightmare dealing with him all of these years. For many years my husband and I have wanted the freedom to leave this area. Until this year our oldest protested visits with his dad and was looking forward to the day he would be old enough to legally choose not to go. Our son had bonded with his stepfather and chose to call him Dad and take his stepfathers last name. He also closely embraced the religious beliefs we have raised him in (not the same one you had been affiliated with). It was always difficult for him to visit his Dad and one reason why is because his Dad attacked our beliefs and left my son trying to defend it which was very difficult for a child/preteen to do. This past year his Dad has seemed to be able to tear down everything that connects our family. My son no longer refers to my husband as 'Dad', has insisted on changing his legal name to his fathers and has denounced our religion. He has rebelled against our parental authority. Some areas this has been a problem in is music, movies, books demeaning our beliefs, etc. We have tried to set guidelines which he has refused to follow and has had consequences. He chose to live with his Dad which we are not contesting and he has been there for about a month now. He has been visiting us alternating weekends and for the most part it has gone well and he has been respectful. Even with our differences my son and I have a very close and special relationship. Before it would have been difficult to move away (moving our son away from his Dad) but now we have the freedom to. We are in a big city and want to move out to the country for a different lifestyle but we wont see our son much so it is a hard decision.
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Well all I can say is you chose to become a parent and you have to stick by them through the good times and bad. My son is 14 months and I hope he doesn't go through the rebelous stage but I garuntee he will bc I was the same way with my parents. anyways my mom nstuck by me but my dad would hit me and stuff. You just need to let your son know that you do love him very much and that your going to stick around no matter what. Because if his father is as hostile as you say he is then, he is most likely going to turn on your son. And who will he run too? YOU his mother the one that has provided for him and loved him and stood up and did her duties as a parent. You just need to remember to always ALWAYS make sure you tell him that you are there for him and he can confide in you for anything ANYTHING. Because that is what parents are for. I never had that and I wish I would have bc I wouldn't have been the way I was. But now with my own life a husband and a child I understand and could never leave my children EVER!!!!! :-D
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