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My boyfriend of 5 years have been having relationship issues for the past 2 years and recently our arguments have become much more frequent.  This is not something I’m comfortable talking to my friends about since we both have mutual friends.  I am however in the process of finding a therapist to work out my personal and relationship issues.  Well here goes my story.  Currently I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27.  We both have professional jobs and recently graduated from post secondary school.  We met in school actually and for the first year we were just friends getting to know each other.  He had just gotten out of a long term relationship and we wanted to take things slow.  After that year we were on and off as he didn’t exactly know what he wanted, but we eventually got together.  During those times I knew I liked him and I pursued him heavily.  We had a lot of great times together while we were in school.  We had a lot of fun being together and I even realized I could see myself being with him for the long term, having kids and a family with him.  I was even willing to move to another city with him because he expressed interest in moving back to his home town. 

 

This is my first serious relationship so I wanted to make it work with him.  We would regularly study together and almost 95% of the time I was helping him with his studies.  I didn’t mind sacrificing my time for him because I really liked him a lot.  One of my biggest sacrifices was delaying a year in school just to graduate with him a year later.  I didn’t even realize how much I gave up for him until 3 years into the relationship when I would register in the same classes as him even if the schedule is not as convenient for me and spend all my weekday and weekend time with him. 

 

We started arguing about a lot of things, mainly appreciating and listening.  He would make a big fuss about my listening problems as he would tell me that I don’t listen or care about him when I don’t remember certain facts about his life that he tells me.  These would be small facts like his childhood friend’s name etc.  I admit fault to this, I should have tried to get every information he tells me, but at the same time, I feel I’ve been treated unfairly because he to this date can’t remember my one friend I’ve been referring back to over 5 times now. 

 

Things started going downhill at the 3 year mark.  We both love each other and majority of our arguments stem from small issues.  I’ve never started an argument with him before, but he would always be the one to start a fight and blame it on me or my behavior.  I have expressed this to him before, that he is bottling me up and I feel that I can’t express my feelings to him in fear that there will be consequences.  I’m ashamed to say this, but we’ve even had a few physical encounters.  So this is what our arguments usually look like: he gets mad at me and blames it on my personality; that is followed by name calling, the worst kind of name calling (piece of human trash), at which point I feel the need to leave the room before being degraded some more; he will grab my wrist really tightly and say do not leave this room at which point I get nervous and feel trapped and start fighting him off by hitting his arm or trying to push him away.  Some of our more heated arguments involve me throwing things at him in order for him to let me get to the door. I admit that is my fault and I shouldn’t have been physical with him.  When we have arguments in the car I would try to leave the car and he would once again grab my wrist really tight to the point where it hurts.  One time he actually head butted me and twisted my arm to keep me from trying to get out.  He apologized for it afterwards, but ever since then I cringe every time he raises his voice at me or his body motion mimics that of him hurting me. 

 

Now after 5 years I have to walk on egg shells around him to make sure I keep his mood up and happy.  If he is frustrated or angry in anyway it will once again be my fault no matter what.  In fact, he constantly reminds me that it is always 100% my fault and I have to just take it if I want to be with him.  He also says that I make a lot of excuses for my actions which I do and that is something I am working on myself.  However, he does not aknowledge my improvements and at times even picks fights with me for something I supposedly did not do, but I actually did like put the medicine back in the medicine cabinet.  He would hold a grudge for years and he would bring that up during arguments to put the blame on me.  The reason for his anger is because of me and what I did in the past so it is my responsibility to make him happy again.  We’ve been planning for me to move in with him in 2 months, but every time we argue he would say that he doesn’t want me to move in anymore, he doesn’t want to see me anymore….he would call me a sub human being, that I should go die and he’s even verbally described that next time I make an excuse he will physically beat my head in the pavement.  Then he would make me get down on my knees and beg him for forgiveness. 

 

I’ve lowered myself for him and it really pains me to see who I’ve become knowing who I could have been had things been different.  This morning we had yet another argument.  His landlord on the floor above was being loud until 12:45am so my boyfriend couldn’t sleep.  He is not a morning person at all and wanted to vent to me on the drive to the train station.  He got mad at me for not expressing my anger in his situation when I only said “that’s terrible, you should find another place in a month.”  He got mad at me again when he realized that I didn’t bring a loonie for him to bring to work (his work place is doing a raffle thing).  When I went to explain to him that he never told me he needed a loonie he said I was making excuses again.  Now it’s possible that I could have forgot that he needed a loonie, but it’s highly not likely since I remembered that he told me the day before he also needed a bottle of wine and cookies for the office potluck today.  But none the less, I took the blame for it and apologized.  For the third time in the morning he picked out another thing I did wrong.  He said that I never did something for him that I promised to do.  Granted, that was my fault; in the midst of a chaotic month I forgot that I was suppose to frame my first dollar that I make in my new job for him.  He went off on a tangent about how I’m uncaring, unthoughtful and I make excuses for life.  I didn’t even bother bringing up to him the fact that he also forgot to frame his first dollar for me from his new job (that was our deal).  Then finally I got fed up and I said “you have been angry with me since we left the house and I know that you are taking your frustrations out on me because of your lack of sleep.”  That got him riled up and he started calling me names again.  He was shouting at me, pounding my car etc.  While I was at work today he threatened to call my dad, call my receptionist and call my CEO if I don’t beg him.  He told me that his therapist said I’m delusional and depressed and he should have left me a long time ago. 

 

I loved him to death 3 years ago and it’s just been going down hill ever since.  I tried telling myself that I can take it, I can take this, things will be different once I move in with him, just hold your tongue and give him what he wants.  I have hurt him and he has hurt me, but I feel that we both don’t respect one another.  He doesn’t understand and respect what I need and I’m at the point where I question what will become of me if I continue being with him.  I have a back condition called scoliosis and during arguments, he has even used that against me saying that I’m a cripple and I don’t deserve to have kids. 

 

He said that his therapist told him that I’m at fault and there is nothing wrong with him.  If that’s the case then is a medical judgment true?  Am I depressed and delusional, making things up in my head and over reacting?  We both have faults, but its like it is always my fault for making him mad because of a present or past action.  He is a controlling person and he doesn’t like to be wrong.  I would never dare to speak up to or against him in anyway, even pointing out his flaws would get me in a whole night of trouble.  So I am wondering if this relationship is even salvageable anymore.  What can I do and what should I do?  The idea of throwing 5 years down the drain really hurts me, as will leaving him because I won’t have him making me laugh on those good days anymore.  When he is sweet to me, he is really sweet to me. But at the same time I don’t feel respected by him on any level, not with my job, my family, my heritage, my basic human rights etc.  Any advice would help.  There’s so much more to this story, but 5 years worth is too much to write so this is just the gist of it. 

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Dear ellygirl

To me your situation is something like this - your boyfriend has been treating you like a maid and wants you to wait hand and foot for every demand and requests. This is demeaning and treating you like trash. Get a grip on yourself! I see you also lack self respect, analyze your life and events carefully and probably you will realize that sacrificing is not a one way business, both partners need to respect each other. It is about time you put your foot down and walk out on him - no explanations needed! I know its gonna hurt for few weeks and maybe a month, but you will get over it soon. Buy new pair of shoes, go to a beauty parlor, pamper yourself - there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Its something we women have to endure! Stay in touch

Aushi

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Look up Narcisstic Personality Disorder. Read it. Identify your bf. And then run away as fast as you can. He cannot and will not change until he recognizes himself, but chances are he won't be able to. The classic symptoms are he will control you in a push and pull manner. He will be very nice and beg you to forgive him and as soon as you are vulnerable again, he will lash out and attack you. It never ends. Get away quickly.

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Get rid of him now with the cops help. Then you go get professional help for this abuse from this louse.Get a court order now !

dejolane
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I'm really sorry to hear about this. Is this not the same classic story of abused women and abusive men? This person obviously cares about you, but to what extent? Torking you around and blocking exits does not display characteristics of someone who loves you. You are royalty! You deserve only the best! I suggest getting yourself past this guy, and find tenderness in someone who really respects you and really loves you!
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Truth is, I don't think he loves you the way you love him. Get out of the relationship. It doesn't matter how much you love him or anything. My dad used to be very verbally and physically abusive towards my mom. He has greatly improved, but he still gives my mom a really tough and stressful time. What I'm trying to say is, at his age, it's going to be really hard for him to change his personality. Think of how that's going to hurt you in the long run, esp. when you guys marry. We receive the love we believe we deserve. You've been feeding off of the way he's been treating you which has been bringing you down. Oh and when I say it doesn't matter if you love him, I don't mean it as in it doesn't matter how you feel; I'm saying that it doesn't matter whether you love him or not, you need to get out of the relationship because it's detrimental to you. You think you need him, but you don't. He hasn't been helping you in any way. You need to toughen up and let him go.
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He Really has a mental problem and to be honest you are not helping him by allowing him to treat you like this. he may have Bi Polar disorder or something like that. and if his therapist is telling him ur delusional witch i doubt it is due to the facts he is giving to him/her, so that should not matter.
He seems like he gets off of you begging him. it makes him feel powerful. His threats about family n your job is very wrong. He is using things against you that he knows matter to you an that can also harm you if he honors that threat.
Telling you to leave is pointless. It is clear to me your already aware of what you need to do.i can tell your a very intelligent women. Listen it will take time to believe in yourself n get over the many years of him making you feel that so much is your fault.


I was in an abusive relationship also n it was mostly verbal. He set me on fire when i decided to leave. I took the blame for him and even stay many years longer because now "who would want a burnt ugly women". n he told me that if i left him i was a bad mother. 13 years n 3 children later i am now divorced n very happy. Yes i have scars of burns to me i refuse to get them removed because they remind me to never allow that to happen to myself again.
Btw the same man who claimed to love me tried to make it a point to destroy my life n has not seen his children in over 10 years. He said that i love my children more then him n that is the only way to hurt me is through my children, n he only had the children to trap me because who would want a women with 3 children. well anyway I am remarried my husband and i have been together for over seven years n he has never put his hands on my and he takes care of my children as if they are his own.

I say all this to say I hope you get it before you have to go through all i have been through. Love yourself and Know In a relationship there should be more good things about the one you love then bad. If there is more bad in ares that mean the most to you, open your eyes and do whats best for the both of you.
your not helping him by allowing him to hurt you... And your not helping yourself by feeling sorry for him n making up excuses for him, taking the blame for ridiculous immature things he puts on you just because he's bored or gets turned on by seeing you cry, beg n or suffer.

I wish you the best n i would love to know if your out of the situation by now or have you guys worked it out.
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