I m in a relationship with my girlfriend for 7 months now. We are both 31 years old and everything is great, EXEPT, I become upset and in some way jelaous when it comes to her ex boyfriends and past relationships. I have a feeling that she is too liberal when relationships are in matter, not in a decadent unmoral way, for example, more like if she at some point of her life was lonely and in need for gentleness, she get herself ivolved in a meaningless 1 month realtionship with a guy, and after that she dont even think it was a dating and relationship?! I mean, how do we call it than, having fun? I really love her and she is a great person, we plan to marry, but I would like to know and ask her everything: with how many people she slept before i came in her life, how many serious relationships she had, does any of her ex boyfriends still means something to her, even in a smallest possible way, like something nice she remember and keep in her heart abot that person away from everybody. I know she had 4 years long serious relationship with 10 years older guy, i wanna know the nature of ther relation now, does she say simple hello if she spots him on a street, does he sometimes for example send message for her birthday, etc... i wanna know how many relationships she had and with whom, after that serious 4 years long relationship she had, I wanna know how long that relations lasted and did she slept with that people... it confusing me, she is saying that only once in her life she loved a man, and she caliming that she could sleep with someone only if she love that person, but from what i heard from her, she slept woth more than that one guy she ever loved... I wanna know everything about her past and very often when we are in bad, i start to feel uncomfortable just becouse i rememberd, that some other guy, sometimes, was there before me and enjoying with her... it is not that i expect that she has to be a virgin, but it is just bothers me, that kind of stuff... from the other side, I was in a relationships, much more then she was, and I also loved, and girls loved me, i also have had lot of sex before, and frome that point of view, what am i complaining about? But I think, it is "forgivable and normal" in a way for men to have such a behaviour, but when it comes to women... it is a different story, i expect them to be much more decent and not to have lot of men in their past, at least not more then it is normal for a decent woman. I know i have problem with this and I m jelaous, and it is eating me, cause i really love this girl and i do care, but it is just... sometimes it overcomes me, and i dont have peace. How to beat this, i would really like not to be so sensitive about this, it is normal for people to have relationships, i know, but sometimes imake jokes on me, saying that i would only have peace if i find a virgin:)
And in my opinion asking those questions at this point in your relationship are just asking for problems. Only question you could get away with are is are there anythings I could do sexually that I don't do now that you would like me to do? but as far as how many dudes have you boinked well that's just asking for the silent treatment or a very pissed off chick.
Poor girl, seriously... what she got herself into. I suppose he has inadequacy and insecurity issues, cause that is the only reason someone would be obsessed with previous relationships - how do I compare to them? am I better? does she longingly remember sex with someone before me?
He obviously doesn't care about anything but himself. So it is only important that she doesn't know better but to think that he is the best that there ever was. And an additional WTF - A dude can have as much sex as he wants, but a girl... she must not! She has to not be able to tell if her future husband sucks in bed, she must not have anything to compare. Only then he can be sure that she will think he is good.
You sir, who wrote that abomination of a post up there 3 years ago,.
***edited by moderator*** ** inappropriate posting**
I realize now that nothing in the past matters thanks to all of you who replied but that still doesn't change how rude some of you were.
This guy was just asking for a little help for something he KNEW was wrong.
Fail pricks will be fail pricks.
But the fact is you eventually have to get over it before it ends up hurting the relationship for good. Do understand that in such situations we tend to say hateful things which might leave a scar or two for the times to come. Or worse the insecurities might manifest in such a way that god forbid might damage the relationship for good and lead to a split.
So first things first, the past is the past and it always lays the grounds for the present. Everybody has a past and the fact is that had you or her not made those mistakes, you wouldn't have been together today. Find me one individual in this world who does not have regrets or made mistakes in relationships and I'd change my name for sure. You say that you love her, and she surely reciprocates so leave it where it belongs...
When such thoughts try and take over, I often then to divert myself by thinking of the one thing about her that makes me fall in love all over again and I promise you there is always plenty to think about.
I hope this helps, godspeed. :-D
look it is completely normal for you to feel like that , i mean you want to know what your getting yourself into before marriage.
But look at this way if she did tell you who she has been with , will it make a difference. ? will it change tour feelings towards her? Or will it change hers towards you ?
You are being a little paranoid.
I usto feel the same way about my ex,
but i learned your always going to have someones slopy seconds. but you CAN NOT SEE IT LIKE THAT ,
people get over people . relationships end . people end up with other people and NOW she is with YOU.
7 months <333.
does that mean anything to you ?
Stop worrying about who she has been with because the only thing connecting the past and the future is the PRESENT. and right now YOU are her present. ... and hopefully her futuree
btu if u keep up like this, all your doing is tormenting yourself .
do u need reasurrence of HOW MUCH SHE LOVES YOU ? is that it. lol
im sure she does , other wise why would she stilll be with you ?
The ex is an ex for a reason . its normal to feel intimidated . because of course thats someone she had to love to be with for 4 years .
but that ended ... and now she has you.
what are you scared of ... ? that maybe your realtionship doesnt work ? you need to let goof your fear . and MOST importantly HER PAST.
I sometimes have a terrible issue about her ex boyfriends, and even person who tried something with her, and especially guys from that exchange program. To make things clear, she is perfectly normal girl, and I think she is very careful with who she is going to be, and she has not been with a lot of guys before, maybe three...
I dont know why, but sometimes I get that irrational fear, and I feel frustrated and even jelous about those guys and everything. I know that she loves only me, and loves me so much, and she says that she would erase all of her past relationships if she could, and make me her first and only boyfriend. But still, I sometimes feel super depressed about that. I think that the reason is that she is the first gf of mine, and I obviously have some irrational issues with that, I might even call it an insecurity.
I see that other people have similar problems, and I would like to know how and when is that ugly feeling going to go away? Btw. when I mentioned my problems to her, she got upset, and told me that that yould be a brake up deal in the future, and that i shouldnt think about that, just the present. But still, i feel bad about it.
I'm not insecure, however, I never ever mention anything about my pas gf's, no name, no picture and no contact. I really don't know how to deal with this issue. I love this girl a lot and she loves me too, but, I'm afraid this thing will end my relationship with her.
If I wasn't serious with her then I wouldn't care. I have girls who are friends that talk about having 3somes and I frankly do not care. But anything with my girl brings out the worst in me. What should I do guys? :-(
I have exactly the same issue. I have been going out with my current girlfriend for just over 3 months now, however her last boyfriend was 13 months long. Which at the age of 18 I consider fairly serious. The concept of her past makes me feel uneasy, not because I don't trust her, but the images of what might have happened. I suppose the pictures on her walls that she either hasn't wanted to or forgotten to take down don't help, every time I go around her house. I love her, I really do and I know I have a past - hey she might think the same, but for some reason it makes me feel uneasy, anxious. I find that I want to find details out about him, like why they broke up, how far she went, what he was like. I have no idea why, maybe I don't want to repeat his mistakes. I really don't know. So, yes I am obviously in a muddle. If someone could possibly help me out that would be great. Thanks a lot in advance guys :-)
I am another guy with the same kind of issues.
My gf, who is 22, had 7 guys before me, and I knew some of them by pictures/facebook and one personally(with whom she was for 4 years).
We have a very honest and transparent relationship, going on for 2 years now, and we love each other very much.
I think that this transparent relationship is actually what made my insecurity born and grow, as I got to know details of the other guys' penises, positions of sex, attittude in bed, etc. And when I go to her home I know what happened in many rooms with some guys.
This drives guys/girls with a irrational insecurity worse, creates anxiety and great deal of discomfort when you remember it.
I haven't got any genius advise on the people who went through the same, but If I could ask for someone who is on the other side of the relationship is this:
- Make sure your partner know how much you care about him/her
- Talk to him about the good points in the sex regarding him
- NEVER be protecting. This raises the insecurity level because you find that the person is not reviling something or is not being clear is because you are worse, not that good in that point.
- Be frontal, tell him/her what she asks/wants to know, this will help you get over the anxiety of getting to know and help you not feel protected.
I regret it. I regret not having my self-confidence and I will push myself to understand I am good enough. I am so in love with this girl and it drives me crazy knowing I screwed it up. So if I can impart a little wisdom on you guys having issues with this out there, all I can say is suck it up. Let it go. She's with you for a reason. If I had of just understood that and let this thing about her exes go, I would be happily in love still. We could have spent the rest of our lives together and I blew it. Anyways guys, be happy with your women. They love you and are with you. Accept it.
I have already told myself all of the advice on here, but it is just so nice to hear it from others who have had the same problem. I'm going to keep working on it, try to fix myself. I'm very appreciative of this thread.