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Hi there everyone.
Well...I really don't know how to begin this message, but I'll probably start by saying I'm a 24 year old male, I'm gay, and I'm of average health...but mentally, however, thats another story entirely haha!

Ok. well, Ive been in denial about my sexuality for a very long time. since early junior school (yes, I developed a sense of sexual interest a bit early) but its never really affected me in such a negative way up until recently. Its become almost something of an addiction, to the point where every second or third thought that runs through my head had got something to do with homosexuality and the problems that can come with it. The fact that I have an addictive personality doesn't help matters!

I'm a closet gay, only three or four people actually know, and that doesn't include family. I just don't have the balls to sit down with them and tell them straight out, I'd rather deal with it myself. Problem is, I don't think that I'm in a right state of mind to be doing something like that. Because of my situation, I've become a heavy recluse, resorted to hiding myself away over the weekends...only going out for work and groceries. I am a natural introvert, but things are beginning to unravel and I'm not sure about anything anymore.

The more I research about this on the internet, the more confused and frustrated I become.

I'm a nut case you guys haha! I have severe unresolved childhood problems, I'm an addict (no hardcore drugs), and I have a pretty bad case of depression...all of these things, however, are in my own little world. I don't tell these things to others, its almost some sort of a split personality. I don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with it all right now. I have an amazing family and awesome friends...but the thing that's holding me back here is that fact that I'm a closet case, mixed with a low self-esteem and not to mention a sh*t load of shame and guilt.

I'm not looking for sympathy, but for a possible solution.


 Where I live, you don't really get support groups and help communities to do with such things. In fact, homosexuality is considered illegal here and if you're suspected of being gay...you have a big problem. Its very difficult to find a like-minded individual here because most people are afraid of coming out because of the, ahem, "law". The only support group that talks about such things is the Church...and I really don't think that their opinions on the matter will help me in the slightest. 

I'm writing all of this because I feel lost and pathetically lonely. Its only now beginning to affect me in a nasty way. Anyone out there have any guide lines or anything along those lines? 

Thanks for reading,
Bryan


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I can understand what you are going through completely. I realized i was a bisexual in middle school at about age 12 or 13. I was scared because i was always told that it was a sin and wrong. I did not tell anyone for a long time. In high school I came out to one of my closest friends and she was shocked at first but she still accepted me because we were like sisters. The thing is though I had to come to a place were i was happy with it myself and i accepted me. My family on the other hand i still havent told them and honstly dont plan to. i know they would reject it and im happy with them not knowing and for them ignorance is bliss. I also am about to get married and when i came out to him when we first started dating it took him a while to get comfortable with the idea that he was dating a bisexual but he completely accepts it now. Dont be afraid of what others will think and how they will judge. you are not alone theres tons of us out here. maybe right now your friends are the only ones that need to know because im sure they still love you like they did before they new about you orientation. you will be happy being with them because you are in a place where you are completely accepted. dont keep locking yourself up because it will make your depression worse. get with your friends and have yourself a good time. they will be there for you and supoort you in the long run
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hi bryan, what youre living touches me a whole lot.

I am also an introvert with serious emotional disturbances. I have a tendency to hide everything and i am also pretty recluse.

My best friend is a ''half'' closeted homosexual man.

He told his mother, which took it pretty well (he's lucky) which in turn prolly told his father (who loves and respect him very much) but only 3-4 friends knows he's gay. Some of his closest friends dont know. He's very social tho. He denied his homosexuality for many years, and still has a very hard time (guilt, shame) dealing with that fact.

Solution Bryan?

I tihnk its really sad and frustrating that you do not have much ressources where you live. What I believe could be beneficial for you and my friend (and even for me goddamnit) is psychotherapy. Psychotherapy will make you know yourself, relate better in life and release you from overbearing emotions. Its good to talk to a non-judging , open minded ear.

If u do engage in psychotherapy, sometimes the first psychotherapist isnt right for you. You need to find one that youre confortable with.

And especially (ask on the phone), ask if he's worked with homosexuals before. PPl who have experience in homosexuality or have studied it greatly can help you.

Some psychotherapists (and theres a LOT) here in Montreal specialize in homosexuality (homosexual typical problems (guilt, sexual dysfunctions( performance issues). Theres a BIG gay village here. It's really great dude.

Be proud! And odnt forget that a lot of people in this world are rooting for you.  You could always come live here :D ;) ;) ....

All the best Bryan.

regards, take care.

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