hi bryan, what youre living touches me a whole lot.
I am also an introvert with serious emotional disturbances. I have a tendency to hide everything and i am also pretty recluse.
My best friend is a ''half'' closeted homosexual man.
He told his mother, which took it pretty well (he's lucky) which in turn prolly told his father (who loves and respect him very much) but only 3-4 friends knows he's gay. Some of his closest friends dont know. He's very social tho. He denied his homosexuality for many years, and still has a very hard time (guilt, shame) dealing with that fact.
I tihnk its really sad and frustrating that you do not have much ressources where you live. What I believe could be beneficial for you and my friend (and even for me goddamnit) is psychotherapy. Psychotherapy will make you know yourself, relate better in life and release you from overbearing emotions. Its good to talk to a non-judging , open minded ear.
If u do engage in psychotherapy, sometimes the first psychotherapist isnt right for you. You need to find one that youre confortable with.
And especially (ask on the phone), ask if he's worked with homosexuals before. PPl who have experience in homosexuality or have studied it greatly can help you.
Some psychotherapists (and theres a LOT) here in Montreal specialize in homosexuality (homosexual typical problems (guilt, sexual dysfunctions( performance issues). Theres a BIG gay village here. It's really great dude.
Be proud! And odnt forget that a lot of people in this world are rooting for you. You could always come live here :D ;) ;) ....
All the best Bryan.
regards, take care.