My names Warrick. 37 years old,working for the South African Police service. Married with one son who is 13.
I have had ups and downs my whole life.everyday I think about dying, and this peace washes over me. I take my sleeping pill stockpile to work everyday, waiting for the right time to end my life.I use to have so many friends when I was younger, always having good clean fun. Then I met my wife who is 17 years older than me. My friends did, nt accept this and one by one I lost all of them.so for the last 14 years I have lead a very lonely life without friendship. Don't get me wrong, I adore and love my son. But he's growing up now and I feel I'm also losing him.
My life evolves around heavy pressure at work and over weekends I hide in the bedroom. I lead no life. I don't interact with anybody. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. The scary thing is I prefer to be alone. I enjoy my own company.
My wife decided to give up work, so she's home all the time now. And my alone time has been ripped away from me. My son plays games in his spare time, so I don't fit in his world anymore either. Financially we not fine, with my wife refusing to work. I feel completely helpless.
As I said earlier, death calls for me everyday of my life.its knocking at my door and I so desperately want to let it in.i feel so alienated from life, of not belonging.No one knows the demons I fight in my head. I'm always smiling and making jokes at work, but deep in my heart there is so much pain and disgust for myself.
There is beauty everywhere. I know this. But I loathe this body I'm in.,where there is no beauty, only darkness and loneliness.as I said I fight a battle every day to live or die.
I have had wonderful times in my life, but it's only the bad times I seem to remember with great clarity.I believe I am a good person, but there are many things I am so ashamed of.I physically hurt myself to not feel so much pain and suffering in my heart.
The day will come when I succumb to the deep longing to give up on life.
Hello there and it's nice to meet you.
I am a female 27 and live quite a way from you but I am here for you to talk to if you wish. I can empathize with how you are feeling as I also feel as though my soul has somewhat died. That numb feeling and never feeling content in life or even happy. I too prefer my own company and with this I have lost my communication with my family. I did 3 years in university and left with no friends as I wasn't interested in conversing with anyone.
Anyway enough about me and more about you as this is very important. You need to be firm with your wife as she is being ridiculous and you are not there to serve her. However she too may be going through something and you both need to discuss these issues.
Please visit your doctor and talk to him/her about your issues as they may be able to help. Start a journal about your feelings and look for any patterns that make these feelings worse. You are under a lot of pressure with being the only one who works hun. Life is about living and not just existing okay and I am sure you know this.
As for the feelings you speak of regarding death and succumbing to it's hold, you must try and ignore these hideous feelings. Death will come to us all so please start living in the here and now. I am unaware of what your belief systems are, such as religion and so on. However if this helps you maybe get stuck into it. I myself am an avid science lover and a firm atheist but I am philosophical soul to go with it. Hence why I am always searching for something that may not even be there.
I am here for you and I don't judge okay. X
Hi Warrick, I see you have posted a month ago already. How are you holding up? I hear you about your soul dying and my heart goes out to you! Life is really hard! Hope to hear from you soon.