Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast
and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo,
he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the
chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo
and Billy took the wheel.
He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The
blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw
who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a
REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The
chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?" The trooper said, "No,
even more important." It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the
chief. "No, even more important," replied the trooper. "It isn't
the President George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "even
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief. The
trooper responded: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus,
because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
>Received this from a friend today - very thought provoking!
> Subject: Aint it the truth!
> Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
> for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved
> his electric razor (MADE IN HONG K! ON! G). He put on a dress shirt
> IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE
> IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE
> IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how
> he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the
> radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued
> his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another
> discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put
> on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN
> FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why
> can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....
Subject: The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to
use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the
summer, cold in the winter and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would
that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little
boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So
he got a
large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the
creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The
replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a
tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in
that cherry tree."
> : Redneck Humor
> An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to
> driver, "Got
> any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"
> Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a
> sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
> "Jes' some chickens."
> >>"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses
> right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"
> An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door,
> telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is
> on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks,
> don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
> Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
> Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
> Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that
> she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the
> operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator
> asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How
> 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
> Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
> They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
> What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
> Where was the toothbrush invented?
> Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a
> Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets
> $3 a year for a million years.
> A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets
> divorced, they're still brother and sister.
> What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in
> Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a
> How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
> When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the
> person at the front desk says, "Go ahead.
In Arkansas, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work,
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him,
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do none of that
This is actually a joke!
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
SEEN ON T-SHIRTS
>>1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
>>he was God and I didn't!
>>2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
>>3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
>>4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>>5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>>6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
>>7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
>>8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>>9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
>>10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
>>11) I'm not a complete id**t, some parts are missing.
>>12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>>15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
>>16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>>17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
>>18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
>>19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
>>20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>>24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
>>26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
>>27) Procrastinate Now
>>28) Rehab Is for Quitters
>>29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
>>32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since15
>>33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names
>>34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
>>35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
>>37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
>>38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
>>40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
>>41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
>>43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN . Cops have nothing to go on.
>>44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
>>45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
>>46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times
>>47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
>>48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>>49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
>>commitment for a pig.
>>50) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
>>51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
>>53) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith &Wesson.
>>Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got
>>$8 million for hers. That's $20 million for two people who for
>>eight years repeatedly testified they couldn't remember anything.
> More evidence that someone needs to invent the "man cycle" on a
> One day my housework challenged boyfriend decided to wash his
> Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
> What setting do I use on the washing machine?" It depends," I replied.
> "What does it say on your shirt?"
> He yelled back, "GREEN BAY PACKERS!!"
> And they say blondes are dumb...!!!!!
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided
to purchase one and enter it in the races.
At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse
was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He
figured since he had
it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and
to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
"Pastor's Ass Shows. "
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper
read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front."
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches
The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in
a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the
next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten
The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00."
After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is
Wild and Free." The bishop was buried the next day.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as! Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not ! live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President ```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and
sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once
in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice
in his head that said: "Dave, don't cry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep
with one of their patients ;and you won't be the
last. And you're single.
Just let it go.
"But invariably another voice in his head would
bring him back to reality,
...............you're a veterinarian."
| CHARDONNAY | ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)
SIXTEEN REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK..
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to ear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Have a glass and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!
| CHARDONNAY | ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)
"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance."