A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there
is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had
$20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had
to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That
was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know.
The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats .
Who said rednecks aren't smart?
> "Hello, is this the FBI?"
> "Yes. What do you want?"
> "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He
> hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
> The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
> They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
> Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
> They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.
> The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
> "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
> "Did they chop your firewood?"
> "Happy Birthday, buddy."
The Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
> I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring
> the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a
> cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned
> the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which
> six items would you like to buy?"
> Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!
> Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
> and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young
> man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
> They were seated immediately.
> The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate
> to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
> All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
> They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and
> placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with
> ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
> As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit
> Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
> used to the idea.
> Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your
> casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
> would you like them to say? "
> Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
> spiritual leader, and a great family man."
> Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
> servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
> Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
> Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
> Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
> you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
> Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies,
> "A penny."
> Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
> The Lord replies, "In a minute
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who
greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
"'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it,
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means
'Sorry, Honey, Its' Thursday.'"
> It's not too often that you hear a joke about blond
> Two blonde guys were working for the city works
> department. One
> would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him
> and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the
> street, then down the other, then moved on to the next
> street, working furiously all day without rest, one
> guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
> An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but
> couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked
> the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two
> are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why
> do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow
> behind and fill it up again?"
> The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I
> suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
> three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees
> called in sick.
Subject: Modern version of the Birds & Bees Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You got Male.!!! >
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Tweeze hairs. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No) Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another
the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their
homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..." God is good!
Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their
It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says
Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam,
you gotta' do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to
tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been
my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant
voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died"
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good
news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!"
Showering descriptions are too close to home for me :umno: