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An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without
her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his
students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing"
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

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"CHEW THAT ..MR. SMARTA$$"
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

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1. The Football Exam
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play
in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read,
"Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the
professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't
noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba.
"I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the
blank. He stopped.
Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."


I had one other one but I didn't think it was appropriate for here.

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"We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
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9 Things I Hate





1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

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30 TYPES OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE PHASED OUT From Brain Droppings, by George Carlin 1 - Guys who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday." 2 - People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age. 3 - Guys who wink when they're kidding. 4 - Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium. 5 - Guys in their fifties who flash me the peace sign and really mean it. 6 - People with a small patch of natural white hair who think it makes them look interesting. 7 - Guys with creases in their jeans. 8 - People who know a lot of prayers by heart. 9 - People who move their lips--when I'm talking! 10 - Guys who want to shake my hand even though we just saw each other an hour ago. 11 - A celebrity couple who adopt a Third-World baby and call it Rain Forest. 12 - Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night. 13 - Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live. 14 - Men who have one long, uninterrupted eyebrow. 15 - Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously. 16 - People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when someone is in their path. 17 - Fat guys who laugh at everything. 18 - People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud of it. 19 - Women who think it's cute to have first names consisting solely of initials. 20 - People who give their house or car a name. 21 - People who give their genitals a name. 22 - Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit. 23 - Actors who drive race cars. 24 - Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans. 25 - Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent. 26 - Guys who still smell like their soap in the late afternoon. 27 - Blind people who don't want any help. 28 - Guys who wear their watches on the inside of their wrists. 29 - Any man who wears a suit and tie to a ball game. 30 - Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand
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FIVE SMART-ASS WINNING ANSWERS The 5 winning smart ass answers for 2004...



Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
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Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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AND NOW........FOR ............THE..........

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004.........

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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