If you are easily offended please walk away now!!!!
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the
lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course
often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied,
"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
Wal-Mart Urinalysis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Ernie says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a
doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot
cheaper than a doctor."
So Ernie deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout. "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve
in
two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Ernie began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some
tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Ernie hurried back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and the results. The
computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the
lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course
often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied,
"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
Wal-Mart Urinalysis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Ernie says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a
doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot
cheaper than a doctor."
So Ernie deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout. "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve
in
two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Ernie began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some
tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Ernie hurried back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and the results. The
computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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One more here!
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.'
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.'
The doctor was shocked. 'You asked your NEIGHBOR?' The old man replied, 'Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!'
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.'
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.'
The doctor was shocked. 'You asked your NEIGHBOR?' The old man replied, 'Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!'
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