A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you...Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline... and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said...
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash... and only go one time around the block. The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said..."She ran out of gas... about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
A man and a woman who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS:"Rye"...Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn **toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
G:"English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad! ?"
G:"I mean butter...just put it on the side."
G: "Excuse me?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we
bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
G :"You're very welcome."
The Redneck Challenge
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya....
There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece....
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
HARD DISK GIRLS:
She remembers everything, FOREVER
She forgets about you the moment you turn her off
everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
Difficult to access
Always busy when you need her
She make horrible things look beautiful
She is always faster and faster
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense
Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything