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This is especially for all my "southern" friends, but I know the "Yankees" will like it also. Enjoy!

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please. "The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

! The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?"

says one perplexed Yankee. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please".

! (And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!)

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$100

Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to
write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to
God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The
president thought this would appear to be a lot of
money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and
sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it
through Washington, DC., and those a$$holes deducted
$95.00 in taxes.
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I don't remember if I shared this one or not.

Back in the time when the
Samurai were important,
there was a powerful emperor
who needed a new chief
Samurai, so he sent a
declaration throughout the
land that he was searching
for the very best.


A year passed, and only 3
people showed up for the
trials: a Japanese Samurai,
a Chinese Samurai and a
Jewish Samurai.


The emperor asked the
Japanese Samurai to come in
and demonstrate why he
should be the Chief Samurai.


The Japanese Samurai opened
a match box,and out flew a
bumblebee. Whoosh! went his
razor sharp sword, and the
bumblebee dropped dead on
the ground in 2 pieces. The
emperor exclaimed: "This is
most impressive!"


The emperor then issued the
same challenge to the
Chinese Samurai;... to come
in and demonstrate why he
should be chosen.


The Chinese Samurai also
opened a match box, and out
buzzed a fly. Whoosh,
Whoosh! Went his great
flashing sword, and the fly
dropped dead on the
ground .....in four small
pieces.


The emperor exclaimed in
awe: "That is really VERY
impressive!"


Now the emperor turned to
the Jewish Samurai, and
asked him also to step
forward and demonstrate why
he should be the Head
Samurai.


The Jewish Samurai also
opened a match box, and out
flew a small gnat.His
lightning quick sword went
Whooooosh! Whooooosh!
Whoooosh! .But the tiny gnat
was still alive and flying
around. The emperor,
obviously very disappointed
in this display, said: "I
see you are not up to the
task. The gnat is not dead."


The Jewish Samurai just
smiled and
said: "Circumcision is not
meant to kill."

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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend..

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

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>
>Can you cry under water?
>
>When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I
>just "chunkydunk."
>
>How important does a person have to be before they are
>considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
>
>If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have
>branches?
>
>Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat
>round?
>
>Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's
>only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra
>penny going to? Taxes?
>
>Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
>clothes you were buried in for eternity?
>
>Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>
>How is it that we put man on the moon before we
>figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on
>luggage?
>
>Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
>when babies wake up like every two hours?
>
>If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
>called a hearing?
>
>If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will
>they fire you?
>
>Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
>
>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
>money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
>How come we choose from just two people for President
>and fifty for Miss America?
>
>Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
>They're going to see you naked anyway.
>
>If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she
>call?
>
>I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
>loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting
>clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first
>place!
>
>Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life
>we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all
>over?
>
>Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you
>realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
>
>If raising children was going to be easy, it never
>would have started with something called labor!
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>The following are excerpts from the book "Disorder in the Court" and are
> >actual statements made in court, word for word, now published by court
> >reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while they were actually
> >being made.
> >
> > =================================
> >Lawyer: Are you sexually active?
> >Witness: No, I just lie there.
> > =================================
> >Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
up
> >that morning?
> >Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> >Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
> >Witness: My name is Susan.
> > =================================
> >Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
> >Witness: July fifteenth.
> >Lawyer: What year?
> >Witness: Every year.
> > ======================================
> >Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> >Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ======================================
> >Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> >Witness: Yes.
> >Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> >Witness: I forget.
> >Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
> >forgotten?
> > ========================================
> >Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> >Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> >Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
> >Witness: Forty-five years.
> >========================================
> >Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> >sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >===========================================
> >Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> >Witness: Yes.
> >Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
> >===========================================
> >Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
> >Witness: By death.
> >Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >===========================================
> >Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
> >Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> >Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
> >===========================================
> >Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> >Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> >===========================================
> >Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> >Witness: Oral.
> >==============================================
> >Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> >Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> >Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> >Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> >autopsy.
> >================================================
> >Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> >pulse?
> >Witness: No.
> >Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
> >Witness: No.
> >Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
> >Witness: No.
> >Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
> >the autopsy?
> >Witness: No.
> >Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> >Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> >Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> >Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> >law somewhere.
> >
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FOOTBALL
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?
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I think this is a repeat!


One day, a blonde man who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man oh Man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man
seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs,

"Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"
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Some Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements.
After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, and escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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I think I have shared this one before also?!

Here is the new "2004" Nude Police Officers calendar.

It includes men and women.

click here.....
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The Funeral...oh, brother!


Rosie

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service in a new cemetery for a derelict man (with no family or friends) who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held way back in the country at a new cemetery.

This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. And when I finally arrived an hour late, I saw a crew and a backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized for my tardiness, but the workers just looked puzzled. I stepped to the side of the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.


As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord" and "Glory," (they must have been Baptist).

I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis and worked all the way through to Revelation. I preached for 45 minutes. It was a long service. Finally, I closed in prayer and it was finished.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and I would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another. "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before."

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Subject: ANNOGRAMS


This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT gay SHAKE





ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA :
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS




Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

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Those are funny!
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cool jokes.
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An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man
standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,

How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?
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