Here's some classics... 36 Classic Henny Youngman Quotes 1. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! 2. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. 3. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. 4. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 5. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. 6. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. 7. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. 8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. 10. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" 11. A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!" 12. Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...." 13. "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" 14. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." 15. The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs. 16. I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. 17. I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt. 18. A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" 19. A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!" 20. Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!" 21. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. 22. I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! 23. My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. 24. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. 25. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. 26. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. 27. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." 28. Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything." 29. A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday." 30. A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking." 31. A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" 32. In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" 33. Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. 34. A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. 35. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 36. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.