LAWYERS DESERVE NO RESPECT


A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$100 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes, said the lawyer, "and what is your third question?"


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Upon writing a will for an elderly lady, her lawyer said, "That'll be $1OO."

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck under it was a second $100 bill.

Immediately, the ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I report it on my taxes?"


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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or continue reading the paper?


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A bandit from Ciudad Juarez specialized in crossing the Rio Grande and robbing banks in El Paso. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger was determined to track him down. After a lengthy search, the Ranger traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty .45 to the bandit's temple, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you've been hiding the loot, or I'll blow your brains out."

Unfortunately, the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Luckily, a bilingual lawyer was at the bar and offered his services. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, "It's buried under the oak tree behind the cantina!"

"What'd he say?" demanded the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Go to hell, gringo! You don't have the guts to shoot me."


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Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

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Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

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Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

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Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

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Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

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Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

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Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

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Q: Why do you bury a lawyer 100 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they are really good people.

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Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

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Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

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Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

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Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

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Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

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Q: It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
A: I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

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Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: You shoot the lawyer. Twice.


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Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.