Hello Everyone,

Happy to find this forum. I'll get straight to it. At the end of 2010 I had such bad abdominal pains that I had to go to the emergency room. I figured it must be my appendix because I never had such ongoing pain there before. Anyway, it was a 3"x4" cyst. So I had to start the pill which I dreaded because I took it some years ago and was pracitically suicidal for months. Then I remember about 3 weeks after quitting feeling suddenly like a blanket of depression had just been lifted from me. It was like seeing the sun for the first time and I was relatively happy ever since. 

Anyway, as suspected, the pill made me crazy. I even had full blown panic attacks. I had surgery to remove the big cyst because it's size did not decrease. 2 weeks later I had another cyst on the other side... so I continued the birth control. After 2 months I switched to Ortho Cyclen (not tri version) because my cousin had the same issues and that was the only pill that worked for her. Anyway I took it 3 months but still suffered from emotional problems and depression. This may also have been due from being unemployed for 5 months - the exactly same time span of taking the pill!! Talk about a bad combination of circumstances. Anyways, I have been an absolute wreck. But good news, after 3 more months, the cysts were completely gone and so I quit Ortho Cyclen (2.5 weeks ago).

I was looking forward to feeling better but after less than 2 weeks some terrible mood swings have started. I have gone from being happy (almost too happy) to being extremely angry and having an outburst and then to balling my eyes out uncontrollably. It's insane. I feel crazy and I hate it. I cry and wonder if I'm "broken" or a "dud". heh... 

I try to have faith that my body will go back to normal. I try to remember my past experiences and that it did get better. I read other women's post on this board and I try to keep holding on to hope.. but sometimes it's so HARD. Sometimes it's so hard to be able to look into the future and know that it's going to get better. My doctor put me on an anti-anxiety medication to help me get more sleep instead of staying up late crying and worrying about things that don't even happen. It helps but I do dream weird things every night. Many times I dream of something bad or depressing and have even had some nightmares.

I just want to be "normal" again!!! I want my relationship to stop suffering (because of my emotional instability). Thank god I start a new job in 2 weeks. I hope then that my depression from being jobless and broke will go away and that my self esteem will start to improve. And I hope that once my body gets back to normal, my moods will go back to stable.

I guess I am writing here for support. I know many of you have probably experienced something similar. I guess I just want to hear from people who understand and know how it is.

Thanks for reading!