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Last night was a bit strange. I experienced vividly strange dreams, of the waking dream variety. For some reason the constant urge to urinate has returned, probably because I am trying to wean myself off of the painkillers and valium. Several times I realize I am in a strange house, and trying to avoid waking up my mother, who I have not lived with since I was 17 years old. Last night's unexpected BM left me with an ache, but (barely) manageable with ibuprofen. Also realized that I am not quite ready to forgo the diaper, no blood, but enough foul smelling mucous and whatnot to motivate the return to a diaper.

I decided I want to try a new treatment regimen, with the goal of making my return to work next week achievable. I set my alarm for 6AM and plan on dosing myself with a valium and ibuprofen. The spastic rectum during the morning BM must be avoided at all costs, lest I blow a gasket or bring on a shiny new hemorrhoid. I am down to 3 valium so I am starting to get a little nervous. I also decide to take a stool softener (non-laxative) twice a day, one in the morning and one before I go to bed. Ditto with the citrucel, one dose in the morning, another before bed. The goal is to figure out how to have a single manageable BM a day, in the morning. Having a BM at work will not be possible considering there is no bathtub and taking 1 to 3 hours for a BM would not be acceptable. Most of my post-adolescent life I have had one or two BMs a week at most, over the last several months after being on a high fiber diet and citrucel, 2 or 3 times a week at the most, so this is going to be quite a challenge.

My constant urges to urinate throughout the night pretty much make uninterrupted sleep not an option, so I pass time by catching up on some missed shows, Stargate Universe, Lie to Me, and Californication. At some point during the night I notice the motion detector light in the yard is on, I spot a raccoon out there climbing my fence, probably making evil plans of chewing holes in my walls and costing me thousands of dollars in repair bills. Try to go back to sleep, the weird dreams start again, I get to feeling a little sissy like and decide to crawl over to the couch and sleep with my dog for protection. Jessi has none of that and moves away to another chair. Nothing like feeling like a sissy (of course, I blame it on the drugs) in the middle of the night and being rejected by your own dog ;-)

My alarm wakes me at 6AM, time to prepare for the day. I take a valium, and with the memory of the previous two BMs, continue being a sissy and take a loretab instead of ibuprofen. The fear of pain overrides my fear of constipation from the loretab. The original plan was to medicate at 6AM, sleep for about an hour, and then proceed to the torture chamber. Wrong. Couldn't go back to sleep due to anticipation of what was to come. Went upstairs and started the sitz bath routine, ran the hot water to the bidet to get it warmed up, and got a magazine ready to read. Again, the original plan was to soak in the bath for a while, then once sufficiently relaxed make the move to the toilet. Nature had other plans. Assumed the position and recalled a post I had read here yesterday. Place your feet in a V with the heels pointing out, put your elbows on your knees, and BREATHE, BREATHE, concentrate on BREATHING. Amazingly enough it worked pretty good. The pain was still sharp, but seemed to be less severe than the night before. No need to push at all, everything evacuated without much effort. I started to worry that it was TOO easy and I needed to push some more. Oops, breathe, don't think, just breathe. My rectum relaxed again. Decided it was over, started using the bidet, discovered there are a couple of locations that just will not tolerate the bidet. Forgo further cleaning and jump into the tub. The pain is a strong ache instead of the previous few sharp-stabbing-please-shoot-me-now-and-end-it pains. The bath works its wonders, after about 10 minutes I am able to jump into the shower and proceed to start my day. Brush teeth, take stool softener, drink citrucel, eat small bowl of fiber-one.

So the good news is that things seem to be generally getting better day by day. Hopefully as my insides heal more I will not need valium to avoid spasms and I will be able to return to a fairly normal routine! I am going to try subsisting only on ibuprofen for the rest of the day, and perhaps even try sitting for short periods of time. I have also noticed that the morning dose of valium and loretab seems to have had much less of a stupefying effect on me. My concentration is ok, I am not stumbling around, and I have not nodded off. Perhaps tolerance is building, or perhaps the surgery was much harder on my body than I realized and it was the surgery that was causing the malaise.

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Well, I just experienced probably the 2nd worst day of my adult life, the 1st being day 6 when I had my first BM. I am going to assume that my brilliant plan to wean myself off of the loretab and valium so I can start back to work next week was a very stupid thing to do.

This morning the master plan seemed to be working just fine, took my loretab and valium, the BM came right on schedule with only moderate pain, which was resolved satisfactorily with a sitz bath afterwards.

At some point this morning I got it in my head that it might be a good idea to drink some prune juice. Most of the day went fine, I even felt pain free enough to strip all of the bedsheets and wash them, along with the multiple towels I have been using. Around noon I happened to be in the bathroom and an uncontrollable urge to BM hit me, and there was no holding it back. I am wondering if this is what is referred to as a "rectal spasm", because when it hits, if I don't get on the toilet within a matter of seconds, it is coming out. The pain was unbearable, almost, but not quite, as painful as my first BM on day 6. It was a sharp stabbing pain and there was no way to slow down what was coming. I noticed streaks of blood in the stool. I frantically ran a hot bath, added the epson salts, and jumped into the tub. The pain subsided somewhat, but I was back to being in such pain I found it hard to walk and could not lie on my back. After sitting in the sitz bath and showering I took a lortab.

Not an hour later the exact same thing happened again. I felt a lot of pressure in my bowels, felt the looming expulsion, and barely made it to the toilet on time. Sharp stabbing pains again, also managed to miss the toilet a little bit and soil a bathroom rug. Back into the sitz bath, and another shower. After an hour or so I was able to walking again. Decided that just in case rectal spasms were causing this disaster, I took 5MG of valium. I am now starting to feel the panic and anxiety melt away, and I know what will follow is a return to the inability to stay conscious for longer than 15 minutes at a time.

I can't help but feel that if I had some sort of lidocaine spray, this debilitating pain during BMs could be lessened to a manageable level, and I could manage any pain with ibuprofen. I plain on calling my surgeon in the morning and asking how long I can expect this stabbing pain along with BMs, and why he won't prescribe me some sort of relief in the form of a local anesthetic.

Has anyone else who has been through this surgery used a local anesthetic like a lidocaine spray and found it useful? I am starting to feel desperate now...
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Hello bad penguin.. I've read your post and think the best thing for you mightht be to take ketamine. I had similar problem but after using ketamine a couple of times a week and eating a bowel of wheetbix and bananas a day, plus lots of big bowels of lentils sweet potato zucchini and broccoli, you may be able to get rid of this problem and move past it, lots of love
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