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My hemorrhoid recovery is starting to fall into a routine at this point. Around 5AM, which I assume is just about the time my last doses of my mind-numbing medications wear off, I awaken from the dead. I am acutely aware this is probably the only moment of the next 24 hours that I will be fairly lucid. By now I am living in what feels like an alternate universe, where time has no meaning. Without the clock on my phone I would have absolutely no idea what day it is or what the time is. I couldn't believe it last night when my wife woke me up to tell me it was time to watch Desperate Housewives.

I take my meds and head straight for the sitz bath, my only source of anything resembling pleasure to look forward to during the day. Turn on the portable heater, start the steaming hot bath, start to measure out the two cups of epson salts. Bam, an overwhelming need to sit on the toilet hits me. Resistance is futile, and the movement feels as though it is going to come out with no influence on my part. I have no choice but to say a quick foxhole prayer and park it. Both cheeks on the toilet brings on pain, it feels like hair is being pulled out by the roots, so I take the one handed approach. One hand under one cheek, lean on the other cheek. Everything happens so fast I fail to work myself into a frenzied state anticipating the pain. It hurts, oh it hurts, but by the grace of a loving merciful God, it is only about as half as painful as the previous days events! Yay! There is hope! I think (hope) I am done. Also missing was the involuntary spontaneous super-hero grade expulsion. Run the bidet long enough to get warm water coming out of it and rinse as best I can. I shift around a little bit to try to get a thorough rinse and every once in a while I hit a spot that feels like a hornet has martyred itself up in me.

Enough of that. Crawl over into the tub, put a cold wet rag on my forehead, and proceed to pass out for an hour. Wake up after the water starts getting cool, refresh with some more hot water, replace the cold wet rag on my forehead, and pass back out for another hour. Wife wakes up around 7am and comes in to make sure I am still alive.

I smell the coffee brewing downstairs and cannot resist. Crawl out of the tub, take a shower, rinse the tub with the water pic, get dressed and go downstairs. Decide to forgo the depends since I no longer seem to be expelling the disgusting fluids which need no further description ;-)

There is a small window of time between 7 and 8 AM where I feel remarkably human, other than the stumbling around because of the medication. I drink my citrucel, a cup of coffee, eat two Jimmy Dean sausage and egg bisquits, some canned peaches. I attempt to urinate about 10 times before finding success. At about 8:15 AM I attempt to catch up on all things internet, start passing out while trying to click links, so I give up and pass out. I think I might have actually succeeded in posting something during that time, but can't seem to remember ;-)

Come to at about 9:30, write this post, will try to urinate a few times, and will probably pass back out.

Yee haw, ain't life grand!!!


Wow, this early into your recovery and you're forgoing the depends! Congratulations. How did you like last night's episode of Desperate Housewives?? :-) And more importantly, how are youf eeling today?


Heh heh, to tell you the truth, I can't remember if I enjoyed the episode or not ;) I rarely do not enjoy them, so I have to assume I did. Which leads me to report some progress, and a step backwards. There is nothing less enjoyable to me than to not be able to keep my mind occupied. Doesn't matter if it is something completely mindless like reading the ticker at the bottom of all of the cable news shows or mentally working out resource provisioning algorithms in my head before putting them down in code. Not being able to watch more than 5 minutes of television or read a complete paragraph on a computer screen was driving me absolutely batty, so I decided to forgo the lortab and valium. I was also worried the lortab was causing constipation. Sitz baths in the morning immediately after removing myself from the stake (aka toilet) seemed to be working acceptably, so I took a risk. Wow, it sure was nice while it lasted. I have been wondering when it would be possible to actually sit down, and the garbage needed to be taken out, so my first foray into the undiscovered wild was to drive the garbage can down to the street. Sitting lop-sided was manageable, not too bad at all. Running off of the road a few times while blazing along at 5 miles an hour quickly dashed any hopes of a miraculously speedy recovery.

Made it most of the day on ibuprofen alone. Then came an unexpected BM, out of the blue. Had just gotten out of my 4th sitz bath for the day and the inescapable urge hit me. Moral of the story, definitely NOT ready to be completely off of the lortab. The pain is getting less each time, but it is still enough to instill terror. I wish there was some way to schedule BM's. Take a valium at 4AM, wake up at 7AM, sitz bath, BM, back in the sitz bath, sleep off the effects of the valium, wake up refreshed and ready for a somewhat normal day. That would be a dream come true. At least at this point I don't need a lortab except immediately after a BM, and the severity level of the BMs is starting to drop.

As far as the question about why I am writing about this (day 6 post). Well, to be completely honest, there is absolutely nothing else to do ;) Finding this site the day before my surgery helped me prepare, mentally, and as far as what supplies I would need to get. There is a lot of conflicting information here, but there are also tips that seem to be universal, such as usefulness of the sitz bath. Posting updates on something like facebook would probably be disgustingly offensive to most people, but here I know most people understand and empathize.