Hello, everyone. Firstly, thank you for taking a minute to read my post. I could really use some third party advice and was hoping to get some here on an issue that is really bothering me.
My girlfriend and I are in the 35-39 age range and have been dating for almost two and a half years. Neither of us are married and neither of us have kids. We have similar interests and senses of humor and although we have had bumps in the road (just communication issues), we tend to get along very well.
Part of the problem is that my girlfriend has zero sex drive. It has been a very big issue, but we have found a workable solution (albeit temporary) in that we schedule sex every two weeks and she has been going to a counselor and taking anti-depressants which have improved her mood, but not yet the sexual frequency. In addition, she has been trying more and putting more effort into our bi-weekly encounters. She just has no desire for sex whatsoever and we have explored this in depth. She says she has put on weight (she looks great to me), she hates where we live and she just generally has no interest or longings for it. Anyhow, we've been working on that and the frequency and quality has improved, but her desire to do so has not.
Here is the recent issue. We were about to have sex the other day and she mentioned something she didn't like (me licking her) and that got us off into a discussion. She said things like "if you saw me with someone else" and "we just don't click" and "we like different things" that I read to mean she just didn't have sexual chemistry with me and that was the problem, not so much the lack of sex drive. She says I misunderstood after I got upset and she meant it all in the context of the lacking sex drive. She said the "if you saw me with someone else" meant if I saw her in her younger years when she was skinnier and in a place she loved. I asked her if she thought she could have chemistry with anyone now and she said she doesn't think so. She thinks she just generally doesn't enjoy sex.
So, I've been stewing on this. I do not want to be in a relationship where I am not desired sexually but at the same time I KNOW that she has a general sex issue not specific to me (trust me, I am positive after 2.5 years and tons of research, etc.). I don't know whether she just doesn't have sexual chemistry with me or not. She says it's general and not me, but I wonder.
Some of my clues are things like, even in the moment, she won't look at me, she doesn't like to kiss at all, she doesn't like to do sexual things that don't involve her taking her clothes off (i.e. showing her body), she only says "I love you" in response to me when we're in the moment. Stuff like that worries me and makes me think it is specific to me, but I know she is not off masterbating or fantasizing of other guys, so not sure what to make of this.
Really, really lost here. If anyone has any advice or thoughts, they would be most welcome. I am debating ending the relationship because I worry we may have no sexual chemistry, but it's hard not being sure.
My girlfriend and I are in the 35-39 age range and have been dating for almost two and a half years. Neither of us are married and neither of us have kids. We have similar interests and senses of humor and although we have had bumps in the road (just communication issues), we tend to get along very well.
Part of the problem is that my girlfriend has zero sex drive. It has been a very big issue, but we have found a workable solution (albeit temporary) in that we schedule sex every two weeks and she has been going to a counselor and taking anti-depressants which have improved her mood, but not yet the sexual frequency. In addition, she has been trying more and putting more effort into our bi-weekly encounters. She just has no desire for sex whatsoever and we have explored this in depth. She says she has put on weight (she looks great to me), she hates where we live and she just generally has no interest or longings for it. Anyhow, we've been working on that and the frequency and quality has improved, but her desire to do so has not.
Here is the recent issue. We were about to have sex the other day and she mentioned something she didn't like (me licking her) and that got us off into a discussion. She said things like "if you saw me with someone else" and "we just don't click" and "we like different things" that I read to mean she just didn't have sexual chemistry with me and that was the problem, not so much the lack of sex drive. She says I misunderstood after I got upset and she meant it all in the context of the lacking sex drive. She said the "if you saw me with someone else" meant if I saw her in her younger years when she was skinnier and in a place she loved. I asked her if she thought she could have chemistry with anyone now and she said she doesn't think so. She thinks she just generally doesn't enjoy sex.
So, I've been stewing on this. I do not want to be in a relationship where I am not desired sexually but at the same time I KNOW that she has a general sex issue not specific to me (trust me, I am positive after 2.5 years and tons of research, etc.). I don't know whether she just doesn't have sexual chemistry with me or not. She says it's general and not me, but I wonder.
Some of my clues are things like, even in the moment, she won't look at me, she doesn't like to kiss at all, she doesn't like to do sexual things that don't involve her taking her clothes off (i.e. showing her body), she only says "I love you" in response to me when we're in the moment. Stuff like that worries me and makes me think it is specific to me, but I know she is not off masterbating or fantasizing of other guys, so not sure what to make of this.
Really, really lost here. If anyone has any advice or thoughts, they would be most welcome. I am debating ending the relationship because I worry we may have no sexual chemistry, but it's hard not being sure.
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Mate i'm in the same boat, i'm only 19 but my girlfriend (who is also 19) is just generally not phased by sex. We've been dating for nearly 4 years now, and for the first year we were very sexually compatable. She was very into me, very attracted to me and sometimes it was i who was telling her i wasn't in the mood. How i wish i could take advantage of that, nowadays i worry she's lost interest in me physically. I haven't put on weight, if anything i've bulked up, got a haircut and grown up so there should be no reason she would be less attracted to me. I tell her i love her, when we're in bed i massage her or play with her hair, she usually gets really tired (if i were to do that several years ago she would have been aroused).
^ I was yapping on for another 2 paragraphs (kept the first one there just to give some backround), but i realised i'm commenting on a post, not making my own. I'll just say this, if you've spoken about it and tried fixing it but couldn't.. It might not be worth staying, it's been 2 years and if it's bothering you now you'll just regret staying with her the longer you're together. My girlfriend has my name tattoo'd to her wrist, so i know she's serious about me, she just views sex alot differently now. I don't mind really, i'm adjusting because she's a very special lady to me but if it bothers YOU now things probably won't change. =\
^ I was yapping on for another 2 paragraphs (kept the first one there just to give some backround), but i realised i'm commenting on a post, not making my own. I'll just say this, if you've spoken about it and tried fixing it but couldn't.. It might not be worth staying, it's been 2 years and if it's bothering you now you'll just regret staying with her the longer you're together. My girlfriend has my name tattoo'd to her wrist, so i know she's serious about me, she just views sex alot differently now. I don't mind really, i'm adjusting because she's a very special lady to me but if it bothers YOU now things probably won't change. =\
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