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Hey,

So, I'm 33 and I can safely say I have been able to make most of the women I have been with climax, especially with women who I care and love.

I'm in a relationship now with someone who I believe is "the one". We've been together for over two months after her (still) coming off a terrible divorce where her husband had been living a double life with another woman.  She certainly has had a rough time to go through because of this, but it barely ever shows.

We have a great time and we connect really well, but I believe there's a problem when we have sex.  Now, it's not that she hasn't climaxed with me, because she has at least once in a while.  Still, it would take a LOT of work that I would usually be enough.  When I don't get her to orgasm I feel bad because I want her to enjoy it but with more significance because I really do adore her.

The thing is she IS a sexual person, even as far as saying that if she didn't feel a sexual connection, that would be grounds to end a relationship, which I totally understand.  I had a talk with her about it and she has told me that, normally, she does climax, but, although it's not happening frequently with me, that she feels "intense sexual pleasure" with me.  But she even told me my girth is under the size she has been use to.

Here are other factors:

- she was with her husband for 7 years, ended months ago, she's the same age as me

- I'm the only partner she's had since it ended and the first ever to have sex without using a condom, I never asked her, but from what she has told me in conversation, she's had between 7-10 partners in her life

- I'm usually use to a woman climaxing at least 1-2 times every time we have sex and be REALLY into it

- she loves kissing me, we're very attracted to each other, she doesn't like rough sex, she's the first woman I've been with that prefers it nice and slow (to climax to) than just constant pounding

- she tells me I'm big, calls me an amazing lover, always shows that she enjoys it despite not climaxing

- it always sounds like she is about to climax and either doesn't or when she does, other than one time, I can't even tell, when she climaxes, it has been mainly when she's on top

- she does have trouble getting wet, at times, or it takes longer than usual I perform oral sex on her

- she does have her moments of getting down about her marriage cause she feels robbed, tells me she has no romantic feelings towards her ex husband, just anger

She tells me that it's her, not me.  Sometimes I see that. She has had a rough time and she's still getting use to me.  I still want to give her that pleasure and enjoy it, but I guess I have to be patient.  

Sometimes I don't. I have made her climax before and she is eager to have sex with me.  It worries me because what if that sexual connection I have with her is lost without her regularly climaxing and then I lose her, which she has told me is, in general, a possibility. I can feel it bothering me and worry it may affect my performance. I really do like this girl and this seems like it could be a bigger problem down the road. 

So is it me? Is it her? Any ideas?

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Hi, first off let me just say you sound like a loving, caring man and a very generous lover. If your partner says its about her, not you, then you should probably believe her. Just like men, women's sexuality can be affected by their emotions. In men this might show as erectile dysfunction. In women it can be more subtle. Also, you say she has been through a really tough divorce and I imagine the last few years of her marriage have been tough too. You also mentioned that she doesn't really show this but gets down about it sometimes. If she isn't expressing herself emotionally those emotions will manifest in her body. It might be as headaches. It could be as problems with orgasms. She has been deeply hurt. There may be a connection between that hurt and her ability to fully embrace intimacy. Intimacy makes us feel very vulnerable and exposed. If she feels that intensely intimate connection that comes from an orgasm with someone you love she may feel vulnerable to being hurt. This is probably subconscious. And I am not suggesting you would hurt her or have given her any reason to believe that you would. It is just that she has had her trust shattered and it takes a long long time to rebuild and this may be her subconscious mind protecting her. I separated from my husband of 22 years in similar circumstances about 19 months ago. It took me 12 months and lots of therapy to feel ready to chance a relationship again. And there were times when I couldn't orgasm and although this was solo pleasure without a partner, it still worried me because I am a very sexual person. I've always enjoyed multiple orgasms with partners and been able to bring myself to orgasm when masturbating.
It may just be that your partner needs time to recover from the marriage breakdown and to mourn the loss. And this is no reflection on you. But all marriages come with hopes and dreams attached, and when they fail, particularly when there is infidelity, recovery can be a long process. people can pretend to bounce back, move on, etc, but it is always painful, even when it is a reieif, as it was in my case. If the fallout of the relationship and the ensuing emotions are not dealt with they don't go away, they just show up in other forms.
I haven't really given you any advice. You know how to make love. You don't need help with that. And it also sounds like you and your partner can talk openly and honestly, which is vitally important. I hope I have given you some possible insight. Perhaps counselling would help her. I didn't think I needed it at first, just showed up to an appointment my ex and I were supposed to go to for my son. But the ex didn't show so it became all about me and went from there. And it was the best thing I ever did. I didn't realise how much i had buried my feelings and how intensely hurt I had been. it put me in a much better place to enjoy my new relationship.
I hope this is of some help. It will take patience, understanding, trust and communication but over time things should improve.
One final thing, you did mention that sometimes you think she has built up to an orgasm but are not sure if she has come. Do you ask her? Women can have orgasms of varying intensity. Sometimes mine are earth shatteringly obvious, at other times they are a feeling of difuse pleasure and I'm not sure if I have come or not but I feel amazing so I don't really care. Women experience orgasm differently to men, sometimes they are not as obvious. And sometimes sex can be intensely pleasurable with no obvious orgasm.
I hope that helps a bit. All the best.
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