3 months post hemorrhoidectomy, it was surgery from hell

I have been planning on posting my recovery for quite a while but thought I would wait until I was fully recovered before talking about the surgery from hell. I'm a 30 yr old woman who suffered from hemorrhoids during each of my 3 pregnancies, each time getting more and more painful so after seeing a surgeon, decided to surgically remove them. I knew nothing about the surgery apart from the surgeon telling me I would be in severe pain for about 2 weeks afterwards. I was like please, I gave birth to 3 big babies naturally, there's no way it could be that bad. Boy, was I wrong! I would happily go through 18 labors in a row (clearly forgotten how much that hurts too, I know) than go through this process again. Day 1 wasn't too bad thanks to local anesthetic Day 2 was a poop day and was the scariest day of my life and the noises that came out of me were probably like a woman possessed. I took some endone for the pain and that make me sick as a dog. It's not easy throwing up while 'nursing' a sore butt but I got through it and decided that paracetamol was going to have to do. Day 3 I felt like I had a blockage so went to my GP and she put her finger up my back package. A raw wound and a finger up my bum, what a treat lol she said I wasn't blocked but she must've done something to get things moving because I barely made it home before having a BM.." Days 4- 14 are a blur of wishing death, crying, wishing death on the doctor, constant salt baths, googling forums to see how everyone else coped and getting tips but I made it through th 2 weeks and was hopeful that that would be the end of it. Doctor forgot to mention that I would still be sore and take time to heal and the 2 weeks would just be the worst of it. It was still hard to have BM on the Toilet so I spent most of my very regular toilet times in the shower with the how water running down my butt crack trying to distract myself.. It was these moments that made me realize, I no longer had any dignity and I was ok with that. By 8 weeks and only being able to pass agonizing stools the size of my pinky finger, dr Google had me convinced I have anal stenosis, another trip to my GP and an examination found that my anal muscles were in spasm which is why I wasn't having proper BM.. Rectogesic was prescribed and although my anus now permanently clenches. No doubt in fear of another surgery I managed to insert some of the cream and actually felt things calm down in there and started having semi decent size BM along with some Valium to help me relax. My relationship with my sister has changed forever after having her insert a suppository for me. It actually make things feel a lot better on the inside so I decided to start trying to use them myself... 'Let it go' (you know the song I'm talking about). Was a popular choice of song for me to sing when, after lathering a suppository in baby oil, and getting it into that position where it gets 'sucked' in by your butt. I never had it in me to let go at that spot because it always hurt.. 'Let it go, let it go, it'll only hurt for a minute' seemed to (not really) help in letting it go. At 9 weeks I finally had my follow up appointment with my surgeon who told me I was almost fully healed! I couldn't believe it had been so long and I was still not healed completely. By this time I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted from it all, it was so disheartening But at the same time, knowing that the pain I still have was because I'm not entirely healed. He told me I still had a couple of small hemorrhoids that will hopefully not cause any problems for a long time. As I said to him, I would sooner amputate myself from waist down than go through this again. He thinks I'm a crazy lady after our meeting lol I'm at 3 months now and still not completely there and I can't wait to fully heal. I don't remember what it's like to go to the bathroom and not have pain. It is getting easier but still not great. I have changed my diet a lot, I don't eat red meat, I add benefibre to my water bottle every morning and lather my butt in cream 3 times a day. Sometimes I squat on the toilet seat to had a BM, since this surgery I have become very regular which is frustrating because 7am like clockwork I have to go and I don't have control like I used to so its 'move it or lose it' one toilet and a family of 4 doesn't work real well when I'm in there for 40+ minutes. Which is a big improvement because it used to take me 2 hours. In the last couple of days I have taken to using my kids potty to have a BM and the angle and position is a lot easier. One day I will be happy I got this surgery done but for now, I'm a grumpy lady who still wishes she never got it done. You need a great support system, my husband has been on deployment this whole time so I've been dealing with this and 3 kids under 7, youngest being 7 months and it has been very hard. I Had a GP appointment just the other day and she said I'm healing very nicely. So that's my story so far! My advice, do your research beforehand if you are debating whether to get it done. It takes a lot of out you physically, mentally and emotionally. For me, especially mentally. I've tried everything I found on these forums, I've used a bunch of different creams so know which ones work better than others. Don't hesitate to ask if you need any advice on anything.