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I've met this wonderful guy a couple of months ago and pretty much hit it off straight away. we are currently living in different cities, therefore we are only seeing each other about once a month, but we are basically in touch via whatsapp/skype etc. all the time.

we have quite a physical relationship, kiss a lot, hold hands, cuddle, sleep naked etc. but we never had sex because he can't get a full erection. i tried several things, including BJs, which he seems to enjoy, but he still only gets semi-hard and then soft super quickly. I'm pretty sure he gets hard in his sleep and in the morning but then loses it when we start fooling around.

I know he's not been in a relationship for quite a while and before he's only been with one girl for a couple of months. I'm not sure how sexually experienced he is apart from that. he is a pretty shy, kind of insecure person anyway so it could easily be performance anxiety. Also he's a bit on the smaller side, which is not an issue for me but maybe for him. 

He's 25 and doesn't drink a lot or does drugs, also he doesn't have any health conditions, such as diabetes. I first blamed it on me, but I doubt he would keep trying and also go through the effort of visiting me in a different city if he wasn't attracted to me. Also he does everything to please me (sexually and otherwise) and tells me i'm beautiful all the time.

Should I try to talk about it with him? We will be living in the same city soon and we are getting really serious. at some point we will probably have to confront it. on the other hand i feel like by bringing it up i'll put even more pressure on him, which will make the problem worse in the end. also, i'm not sure when and how to bring this up. 

has anybody experienced something similar? i am seriously falling in love with him but i am a very sexual person and at some point I'll miss the 'full on' sex, even though everything else is great. 

thanks for your help in advance! 


Hi Amy,

It could be "performance anxiety."  Any form of anxiety can give a guy problems with getting or maintaining an erection.  He may not even be aware that he's nervous.

It could be about pregnancy.  It could just be about getting serious.

Talk to him.  Work with him.  Be patient.

It is NOT you.

Hope it helps.