I am kinda at a loss here. For background, we are both young. I am 23 and he is 24. I am very open, experimental and have a high sex drive (atleast I used to). The situation has made me scared to attempt sex because I am left feeling rejected or being "shooed" away...but I still make it clear that I am interested in him, I find him attractive and am ready for sex at pretty much anytime. The fear I have developed is personal and I have not shared that with him. His inability to maintain an erection with me has been an issue since our very first sexual encounter...which he excused it with being sick and seemed to feel bad about it. I reassured him, its no problem...no pressure. It has continued and sees to have gotten worse. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we have had sex with no major issues. He always seems to feel bad and has "put down" his penis...cursed it even. We once seen a commercial for male enhancement pills and he made a joke about needing them. He will talk like he wants me, sexually...have me grab his penis, start acting sexual, and then usally acts like he has to do something. At first, I was always initiating (and I use that term lightly) or sex life was a bit better then, but after a few times of being shut down, or him losing his erection while I am "being sexy" I felt rejected, and more importantly I didn't want him to feel more pressure to perform. Now he is always saying he wants me to "man handle" him and take what I want but if I start...same thing happens. He act interested and then thinks of something he needs to be doing or something. It had been about a month since our last sexual encounter, and last week...he asked, as always I said I was interested, we tried and he lost his erection within seconds of getting started. He then rolled over, called his penis useless, and turned on the tv and we continued with our day. Today though, he was acting interested in sex, kissing and touching me, had me on top of him, and and after a few mins (before anything even got started, clothes still on) he stands up, stil holding me, sets me on my feet in the floor and goes for a shower...and masturbated. I did mention it to him, and not angrily or anything...I just brought up the topic and he got defensive and said "so its a crime now for me to masturbate?" I just said no...its not a crime and it was ended. I have no problem with masturbation, infact I love it. But when we can't have sex, yet, he can masturbate...it makes me even more rejected and feeling like its me. On top of that, I had just indicated in the bedroom that I was interested and willing, he actually initiated those actions, and then walks away to masturbate....I feel terrible, completely ruining my sexuality, my self esteem, and our relationship. I have no confidence and I think I may even be developing a sexual disorder because of this. I know he was always a heavy masturbater and since a young age, I know that can sometimes lead to these issues, and we have actually had brief conversations about that, and he has thought it could be an issue but it doesn't change anything. He still masturbated but don't have sex with me....though he acts and talks like he wants to. I also feel like it has a lot to do with performance anxiety....or maybe its just me.
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Hi Distraught,
You understand that masturbation and sex are two different things. Masturbation is something many men in established relationships do, as a form of release.
Maybe he's not comfortable in some aspect? How well do you both communicate, without the sex, just talk? Lots of relationships have troubles communicating, sharing concerns, and worries. Don't take this personally, look at it as a need to communicate more. Just talk to him and see what happens. Don't pressure him.
Performance anxiety, if that's what it is, can be vicious. Once it starts the fear is always there and it is truly self defeating. Your response needs to be just one of support, not frustration in yourself, but of him.
Keep the communcications open, in all aspects.
Hope it helps.
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Yes, I absolutely do understand that sex and masturbation are two different things. I thought I made this clear in my post. As I said I am a fan of masturbation, its a great form of release, its healthy...but when done to much it can become unhealthy and interfere with your sex life and relationship which seems like may be happening here. As far as communication goes, used to be fantastic. We built our relationship long distance and relied only on communication. But that is something else that seems to be getting increasingly difficult. Tension is building I guess, bringing up anything with him the last few months is a task and it ends up poorly. It doesn't matter how calmly I aproach a situation he ends up angry, yelling, and so forth. Today, he asked me what was wrong, after he avoided sex and masturbated...I simply said do you want to talk about this now? He continued yeah, might as well. I stated that I am concerned and would like to figure out what was going on and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me when we can't have sex but he can still maintain an erection to masturbate. I didn't get all of that out in on sentence...that was what I managed to say during the whole conversation because he was yelling and cussing and blaming me for not having sex. It kinda seems like he doesn't want communication, he doesn't want to fix anything (not only this) and he is only happy when I pretend that nothing is ever wrong (yet he gets mad when I "shut
down" like a guy does so I have tried to be open, but I only get yelled at when I am). Not sure what to do. I know deep down its not me, I am attractive, have a good sex drive and am willing, relationship is still young, and this has been a problem since the beginning. But it still plants seeds in my head saying there is something wrong with me cause he doesn't want me. What I think could be it...its performance anxiety, and he doesn't feel a need to perform when its solo, that's why he can still masturbate (though he has had trouble even doing that on rare occasions). And excessive masturbation only makes it worse. I try not to pressure him so if its performance anxiety I don't make it worse. So I don't "man handle" him the way I normally would, I let it come to me and make myself available if its presented. Both going after it, and letting it come to me leaves me feeling unwanted. I'm so close to just giving up and facing a decision about whether or not I can live a life with no intimacy or sex....that's hard for me, I like sex. Tempted to just forget sex existed, avoid the subject, and come to terms that my needs will never be fulfilled, and even worse...I can't fulfill his.
down" like a guy does so I have tried to be open, but I only get yelled at when I am). Not sure what to do. I know deep down its not me, I am attractive, have a good sex drive and am willing, relationship is still young, and this has been a problem since the beginning. But it still plants seeds in my head saying there is something wrong with me cause he doesn't want me. What I think could be it...its performance anxiety, and he doesn't feel a need to perform when its solo, that's why he can still masturbate (though he has had trouble even doing that on rare occasions). And excessive masturbation only makes it worse. I try not to pressure him so if its performance anxiety I don't make it worse. So I don't "man handle" him the way I normally would, I let it come to me and make myself available if its presented. Both going after it, and letting it come to me leaves me feeling unwanted. I'm so close to just giving up and facing a decision about whether or not I can live a life with no intimacy or sex....that's hard for me, I like sex. Tempted to just forget sex existed, avoid the subject, and come to terms that my needs will never be fulfilled, and even worse...I can't fulfill his.
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my partner used to watch porn and masturbate no problem but couldnt perform with me makes you feel rejected unattractive and takes away all self confidence until you realise their problem and not yours sadly killed my relationship couldnt take the rejection and loss of intimacy any more when atttacks your own worth time for time out,we still good friends but no relationship please dont let his problem de moralise you
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