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My boyfriend and I tried having sex about 5months ago. He got hard during foreplay, but when it came to having sex, it wasn't hard enough to perform. We tried two nights in a row since we were on vacation...but after that occured twice he didn't want to try for the rest of our vacation. Its been about 5months later and he has yet to try to have sex with me again. I was told that if a guy mastebates too much with or without porn, he may get turned off when it comes to having sex...could this be true? And how is it that I can bring this up to him without making him feel uncomfortable? Or should I not bring it up? I've been trying to be as patient as possible, but I really don't know how much longer I can go without making love to my boyfriend. help! :-)

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6895 posts
I don't believe the masturbation is the problem. I was a master masturbater from about the age of 11 and I never had a problem with sex. Well I did a couple times when I was so drunk I couldn't get it up.

He may become stressed about doing it and that is causing him to deflate. Performance anxiety affects many men and having that happen only makes it worse. Just keep trying and don't pressure him about it. Maybe you can find a more comfortable setting.
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I agree with njoynlife. Masturbation is probably not the problem here. I'm not a doctor but this seems like a case of sexual performance anxiety. His failure five months ago probably upset him very much. Now he's too nervous to perform again and tries to avoid it. It's a self fulfilling prophecy: the “fear” of not performing causes him to not perform.

Don't worry, this problem is extremely frequent but it can be overcome.

Your boyfriend is not sick and there's nothing wrong with him. Anxiety is a normal reaction but it can get in the way of sex. There's a perfectly logical reason for this. When you get too anxious, the release of stress hormones constricts peripheral circulation so that blood can get to your vital organs (heart, lungs) more rapidly. The penis is not a vital organ and the last thing a man needs in a dangerous situation is an erection! This is the infamous 'fight or flight' response.

Anxiety is closely related to depression and depression is also a major cause (and consequence) of ED. Depression causes ED and ED causes depression. Erections start in the brain and if the brain isn't working properly, sexual problems may occur.

So, how do you fix it?

In cases of sexual performance anxiety, time usually helps. When I go through a negative sexual experience, I give it a rest and avoid sex for two or three weeks or even a month. This allows me to relax and get this problem off my mind. Moreover, moderation is always a good thing in life (incl. sex). So, I believe you'll have to be very patient and supportive. Don't show any signs of impatience, that would only make him more nervous. Don't show any compassion or pity either: men hate that!

Talking doesn't always help. Men are extremely sensitive about these issues and they're usually too embarassed to talk about them. This means you'll have to be very subtle and diplomatic as well.

The sensate focus technique may be helpful in your case. Start with smaller things (e.g. oral sex) and then, as you two become more comfortable with each other, slowly progress to penetration. You don't even have to discuss the details of the sensate focus technique with your boyfriend, of course; when you find the right time, just tell him you want to give him a blow job (this way, he'll know that he won't have to perform). The next time you have sex, he'll be less anxious and things can start to improve.

Finding the right time to have sex is also very important. If he's had a busy or stressful day, it's probably not a good idea to have sex in the evening. Adrenaline is an erection killer. If possible, he should take a warm shower or bath before sex: this will relax him and dilate the blood vessels that bring blood into the penis to form an erection.

When you finally get to penetration, try to find a sexual position that he's more comfortable with. In my case, I prefer when the woman comes on top of me, because she's more active and can help my performance.

If the problem persists, he should consult a urologist. There may be some underlying organic cause that he's not aware of and he'll have to do some tests. Even if this is 'just in the head', a urologist can prescribe him an effective treatment.

Oral dugs are the most popular ED treatments. They're very effective and safe. PDE-5 inhibitors (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra) are the most popular but VIGAMED (oral phentolamine) is also an excellent option. VIGAMED (formerly known as Vasomax) is not Viagra, it is an entirely new treatment. It is not available in the US, but it is a licensed ED treatment in South America and you can order it online:

Most women don't like the idea of their partners taking these drugs, but they really shouldn't feel this way. These meds are mere erection facilitators, not erection initiators and they don't improve libido. There's nothing 'fake' or 'unnatural' about an erection on Viagra.

Again, always consult your doctor (urologist) before you decide to try any of these treatments.

Finally, I suggest you do some research on this subject. Read books, talk to experts, search the Internet. The more you know about these problems, the less stressful they will be.

I hope this helps. Good luck!
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I already posted a reply but I forgot to sign in, so it may take a while to appear.

Anyway, here's a video that might be helpful:

***edited by moderator*** web addresses not allowed
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I couldn't post the web address but it's a You Tube video by Kara Sutra on sexual performance anxiety.
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