I posted a few months ago about the horror i was going through ...  its under *tramadolispoision*

 

I started out getting tram legally and of course the dr shoved it at me because it was non addictive ;)   of course , if youre here you know thats a line of BS.

 

So i wrote here a few months ago as i was going through nsaty withdrawls and i broke and begged my dr for more ... i SWORE i would taper this time, for good.

 

So i started taking 4 pills a day , with the intent of tapering slowly.   and i meant it at that point ...

 

then my ignorant doctor decided to give me a 90 day script with THREE refills. i filled the second one on june 10th , then on june 30th (yes i took 90 pills in that time)    i was taking them right ...  then i would be tired , or stressed and pop a handful , this being bc i HAD to take that many to achieve the "relief " i so longed for.

 

I went to another doctor ( my rheumotologist ) because i was running out of my tram and had no refills. she gave me 90 day script with 2 refills .  i took 90 in a few weeks.  so of course , i was in a full blown panic ( as i usually am when im getting low on tram )  as i was running out and had no refills left.

 so i once again conned the pharmacist into refilling my script early .  and i once again had the poision that i had finally realized controlled my life. i cried all the way home from the pharmacy.

 

last friday night my purse was stolen . and it had my last 50 or so pills in there.   no doctor in their right mind would give me another refill and my insurance would never pay for another script so soon .

 

So i once again went into withdrawl.  i started to wonder ... maybe the pills werent in my purse!? ( my memory suckss bc my brain is so foggy now)  so i could see a glimmer of hope ... maybe the pill bottle was in my house/ car//office.....   i started digging through everything  my desk at work , my car .... even the TRASH.   i had my KIDS digging through the trash helping me ...

 

at that point i had enough , i was sick of myself .    i told myself that was it... i was done .

 

so that night i was in a panic , of course .   i was having the classic clammy chills , shivering and cold sweats followed by waves of hot flashes . bone chilling cold that no amount of warmth took away. it was like chills inside my body.

 

so i took benadryl and went to bed .... my boyfriend kept saying " i thought you were tapering "   " why are you doing this to yourself ? "   i couldnt tell him what i had done with the pills my dr gave to me taper with, so i just said " if i dont stop completely , i will never stop" and i knew that was the truth .

 

the next morning i went to work ... i barely made it through the day.   eating meds ... advil  , tylenol ,, anything i could get my hands on .   i am on a strong antidepressant for nerve pain so that is a life saver bc of the crash from tramadol screwing with your brain. so i also doubled up on that. still had hellish nightmares .... fever ....  pounding headaches ...  i felt like i needed to SCREAM ... thats the only way i could describe the intense jittery anxiety i was suffering.

 

yesterday morning i got some l tyrisine ( another life saver)  and took 2000 mgs with a 20 oz red bull .  i had no strength, couldnt get warm , then couldnt get cool , chills like never before,  "phantom pains"    my body was screaming for tramadol    i fought it as hard as i could .   this time i didnt let it beat me .

 

not yet anyway ....   this is day 4 ... i took my last pills last wednesday .... i have SURVIVED    if only by the skin of my teeth.   i almost broke last night and was getting readyu to go to the ER....  but i went to bed instead. it was again a horrible night ... drenching cold sweats ... burning up then freezing.... i would get up and have to change my clothes , i was so drenched .

 

sneexing , coughing , runny nose...     fits of rage ,  crying over nothing ... depression ...  it has been a nightmare.

 

just an hour ago i called the dr  and i told him what i had done , he said yes , you are most likely in full blown withdrawl ... well NO SH*T sherlock ....   once again i was told to go to the ER   i have a heart and a blood clotting disporder and my pulse has been 120- 140 for a few days ( resting )   so i KNEW i needed to go to the ER days ago ....  i also know they would put me back on tram .  so i just laid here suffering.

 

i woke up this morning drenched again , but i felt OK.....   i havent felt OK in days ... i feel like im coming through the other side .... i am trying to be strong but i WANT MY PILLS ...   i have NO strength .... no motivation .....  i am feeling better , but i am so anxious ....  i keep telling myself they are NOT " my pills" and it almost feels like they are a part of me .... its insane ... intelluctally i know that , but the feeling is still real .

 

i am still sitting here as i write this fighting the overwhelming urge to go to the ER and get my meds .... i want them ... i am battling between " the dr said you still need them , you have a life long condition that requires pain meds ....  what is the point of doing this .... .  

 

i just dont know.

 

i do not feel right without them .....  i had gotten to a point that i needed them to feel normal .... to have energy and motivation .... to be HAPPY.    at this point i am just misrable and hate everything .

 

im getting over the physical things .... now i am just dealing with the fact that i want to feel like myself again .... i am not myself without my pills .....

 

i hope this passes quickly , because im not sure how much longer i can fight