Hello, my name is Angie I am 43 years old, RN, been on disability for past 7 years. I became dependent on pain pills almost immediately. I was already an addict when I had some gran mal seizures and sustained 4 compression fractures, nasal fracture, and sternal fracture. I was in the hospital for 10 days and they couldn't figure out why I had the seizures, they were new to me. I knew though and finally told my dr that I had accidentally overdosed myself by taking way too many neurontin pills at one time, and short amount of time. My dr was aware of my narcotic addiction, and had a hard time choosing a medication to send me home with, a funny thing, the dr. says "well Im gonna give you methadone to go home on" my husband already knowing that was a pill I had abused before tells my dr that if he gives me methadone the dr can take me home with him cause he wasn't taking me home on those. lol So he put me on duragesic patches at 50mg starting out. This went good for about a week or so, then I started taking them off too early, cutting them up and sneaking them from the hiding place, I'd had to let my husband take the medicine and even lock it up, and I still would get to them somehow, so I would go into the awefullest withdrawals from the patches, and would run over "hell and high water" to find any kind of pain pill, it really didn't matter. I can remember one day taking at least 40 hydro 7.5's. I got my dr to increase the pain patches from 50-75mg and was just as bad on those, just worse. Then I lost my dr, and it was down to getting everything on the streets. I basically lost my whole entire life due to pills. They costed me a nursing career that I loved, and I swear I was really a good nurse, worked ER for 15 years and loved it. So you see I know what Im doing (I think I do) and am pretty smart and I know what Im doing is so stupid, and I know all I have to do is be strong, say im gonna do it, and then quit, go through wd's and then what? MY back really does hurt everyday, I have pain and need the medication, But when I get my script filled, hell they won't last a few days, then Im back to being sick, It's just a no end road, and Im sick of it, If I do manage to quit the opiates, what am I going to do for pain? I can't take anymore advil than I do, I take 4 3-4 times a day. Ultram breaks me out in hives, the pills won't work, I can't control them, and won't let anybody else either, even if I try, I end up finding them or con my way into getting what I want. I know that sounds aweful, but im being honest as Im hoping maybe somebody else knows what I am talking about and can help with some advice. I have a super huge story and couldn't begin to list it here. Just know that if its a rehab, AA, therapy, psychs, meds, suboxine, methadone liquid and pills, strips,,,I've done it all and it doesn't work, I can't find a medium somewhere where I can live a normal, pain reduced life, I don't expect to feel 100 % all the time, and I can take some pain, but I need to take an opiate to relieve my pain, but I can't control it, so what do I do? I wonder if theres something like a pump they can put inside your body and you couldn't overdose or dose incorectly and not have to deal with oral or other methods of pain relieve. Any advice will be appreciated!