Autism And Sex: How To Approach Sex Education With Autistic Youth

So, I decided I wanted to start this article off with some kind of pop culture quote to make it more relatable. In the process, I wasted entirely too much time watching Atypical, a hilarious Netflix series about Sam. Sam is 18 and on the autism spectrum. At the very beginning of the series, he decides he's going to give dating a shot.

It's a disaster. Encouraged by his friend, he "goes out" with a random girl he meets at his tech job by sharing fast food with her in a parking lot, talking about his love of penguins, and announcing he's never had sex before. She asks him if he wants to change that, and they end up in her dorm — but a sudden touch sends him over the edge and instead of losing his virginity, he shoves the girl, gets called a weirdo, and is kicked out of the girl's dorm.

It gets worse after that. Much worse. But it also gets better. Sam tries to find his path in life and dating, and, just like the other members of his family, both fails and succeeds. Though his autism is a central part of the series because the show is about him and he's autistic, Atypical is, perhaps more than anything else, about the general awkwardness of both puberty and dating, and life in general. 

1. Privacy, safety, consent, and personal boundaries

Everyone, including people on the spectrum, should know certain things about privacy, personal boundaries, safety, and consent — but while some of these things come naturally to many neurotypical people, they'll explicitly need to be explained to people with autism, who struggle to read the social clues that people without autism send out.

As with most other things we'll be discussing, teaching these things should ideally begin way before puberty. Things everyone needs to know in this realm include:

• Close and lock the bathroom when you're inside.
• The real names of private parts — penis, vulva, vagina, anus, nipples, and so on.
• Keep an appropriate physical distance from strangers and people you don't know well — say, at least arm's length.
• Don't touch your private parts in public. 
• Nobody should touch your private parts at all when you're a child, except parents, caregivers, or medical professionals when they need to to keep them clean or examine them. You should not touch anyone else's private parts, either. If you do encounter unwanted sexual touch, always let a trusted adult know.
• When you are a teen, like Sam, and old enough to date, any touching — including kissing, hand-holding, and sex acts — is only OK if both parties want it. You should touch people if they do not want to be touched, and nobody should touch you if you don't want to be touched.
• Autistic people often become completely engrossed in things they're interested in, which can include romantic interests. They should learn that it is considered stalkery to, for instance, learn all about a love interest's routines, to follow them, or to stare at them all the time. If someone says they are not interested, you should leave them well alone.

2. The physical and emotional changes of puberty

Remember that though these topics can be really hard to talk about for many adults, euphemisms are unlikely to work on autistic teenagers, who have a tendency to interpret things literally. If you talk about "down there", they may imagine the Earth's core. If you mention the "birds and bees", they're quite likely to literally think of birds and bees. So tell it like it is, in blunt and direct ways. 

3. Navigating romantic relationships

Autistic people, including teenagers, can certainly date. Like Sam, they may have a hard time — he was completely oblivious when a girl liked him, yet it didn't occur to him that the grown woman he was interested in wouldn't want a relationship with him. Apart from therapy, which can help teach social skills specific to romantic contexts, you can also share your own experience and knowledge, and watch TV shows together for good and bad examples of behavior related to dating.

You can emphasize the importance of clear communication. While neurotypical people often communicate in subtle ways, especially around romantic stuff, the best way to understand people is, if you miss these more nuanced signals, through direct communication. Not everyone will appreciate that, of course, but those people may not be the right romantic partner for you.

Another thing teens on the spectrum should understand is that the right romantic partner will accept them as they are. They shouldn't need to go on a quest to totally change their personality, or to suppress their interests. They should, however, try to be flexible as they seek to understand their girlfriend or boyfriend. 

4. Sex

Now for the sex part. Autistic teens should have the same knowledge everyone else needs, too, to stay safe and facilitate healthy relationships. This includes information about safe sex, both condoms and other forms of contraception, sexually-transmitted diseases, reproduction, and again, the all-important consent. Autistic teens should feel comfortable telling a romantic partner what they want and don't want and accepting similar communication from their partner. They should also know that people may pressure them into having sex they don't want and that this is wrong, as well as that they shouldn't do the same. 

Books can help parents discuss these topics in a more clinical manner. Talking while you're in the car or someplace else where you're not going to want to make eye contact is also a good idea, as it can minimize awkwardness.

A final word