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THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T
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1. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t and a blatant liar.
11. I like you...you remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just plain don't give a rat's a**.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view... NOT!
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is PURELY coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
23. Do I look like a people person?
24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
28. Errors have been made...and others have yet to be blamed.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for...you missed it.
30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
35. Chaos, panic, & disorder...I guess my work here is done.
36. How do I set the laser printer to stun?

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These are great Eric, I am going to forward some of these.

My favorite is, #22
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Some More:

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..". He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor
asked. "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
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A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a big city department store - it was the biggest store in the world; you could get ANYTHING there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
before?". "Yes, I was a salesman back home in the country," said the lad. The boss took a liking to him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and check up on you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly showed up and asked, "How many customers did you snag today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars!" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the young salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fishhook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISH HOOK??". "No," answered the young salesman, "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him: 'Your weekend's already shot; you may as well go fishing'".

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There once was a farmer who had four daughters. He was in the habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a shotgun. One night he hears a knock on his door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy, I've come to pick up Betty. Were going out for spaghetti, I hope shes ready."

The farmer thought that was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance, is she ready by chance?"

Again the farmer thought it was cute and let them go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is
she ready to go?" Once again the farmer thought it was cute and he let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there.

He said: "My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him.


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Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it."
"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"Hell yes it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year."
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There is this little boy out on the sidewalk playing fireman. He is wearing
a fireman hat, he is sitting in his little Radio Flyer red wagon. He even
has a dog in front of the wagon to pull him along. This old man walks by
and says to the little boy, "You know, you could probably get your dog to
pull the wagon a little faster if you would tie the string to the dog's
collar instead of around his testicles." The little boy scratches his head,
looks at the old man and says, "Yeah, but then I would lose the siren
effect."

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A group of thieves just stole a truckload of Viagra.
The cops are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
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Thank You Thank You,
I am here for the rest of the week.

Please don't forget to tip your waitresses.
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this mr mom thing has made you funny
you need to loosen the apron a little


btw the first ones we have said a few of those lines to bad guys
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Oh, goodness, these are funny. I'm emailing them to everyone I know.

All two of 'em! ;)
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I wasn't funny in the past
:(
I have a ton more stored on my hard drive. I Have been sharing them slowly but surely.
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