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Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "I reckon," said the second hillbilly. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew talk?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time. Thought for the Day: I m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

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A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious
health risks. As he wondered
how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the
newspaper for a GUARANTEED
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate,
he calls them up and subscribes to
the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign
reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally
catches her and has his way with her. After they are through
and she leaves, he thinks to
himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing
happens. On the fourth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as
promised. He calls the company and
orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy
woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign around her
neck that
reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to
catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same
routine
happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs
himself and found he has lost another
20 lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program. "Are you
sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he
finds Richard Simmons standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around
his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
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Now, I feel smart! Check these out!







Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not

live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving

kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd

love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"

--Mariah Carey



"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very

important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become

spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.



"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my

body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball

forward.



"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the

lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our

papers. We are the president,"

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed

documents.



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by

a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.



"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great

country away from them.

There were great numbers of people who needed new land,

and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for

themselves."

--John Wayne



"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark



"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.

It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing t."

--Al Gore, Vice President



"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle



"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go

one way or other"

--George W. Bush, US President



"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca



"I was provided with additional input that was radically

different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"

--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.



"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.



"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.



"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President



"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP



"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery



"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992

because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South

Carolina



"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in

at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



...Feeling smarter yet?

Send it on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing.
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Tech Support Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! =============== Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it! =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... =============== Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah...................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? =============== Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." =============== And last but not least:.... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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> Subject: MOTHER-IN-LAW DIES IN HOLYLAND
> >
> > A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the
> > Holy
> > Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
> >
> > The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for
> > $5,000,
> > or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
> >
> > The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
> > shipped
> > home.
> >
> > The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
> > mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried
> > here and spend only $150.00?"
> >
> > The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here,
> > and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that
> > chance."
> >
> >
> >
>
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Bubba was stopped recently by the fish and game warden. Bubba was leaving a pond well known for good fishing with two buckets full of fish.
Warden: Hey Bubba, lemme see your fishing license.
Bubba: Ain't got one, don't need one. These hyer my pet fish
Warden: Pet fish?
Bubba: Yessir, Ever night I tote these fish down to the pond and let 'em swim around fer a while fer exacise, then I whistle "Dixie" and they swim back and jump rat back in my buckets and I take em home.
Warden: Come on, Bubba! Fish can't do that.
Bubba: Mine can. It's a fak. I'll show you.
Warden: I don't believe you...I gotta see this.
So Bubba poured the fish back into the pond and calmly waited.
After several minutes the warden said........"Well?"
Bubba Well whut?
Warden: When are you gonna to call 'em back?
Bubba: Call whut back?
Warden: The fish
Bujbba Whut fish?
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Political Science for Dummies DEMOCRATIC
    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
    You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
    You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
    You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
    You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
    You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
    You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
    You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
    You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
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After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10 ."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs , and resumed counting on his other hand.
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Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their new wives
duties.

The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them that
the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third had married a Wisconsin girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper. Gotta love those Wisconsin girls!
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